Bold New U.S. Snacks Invade World Markets

‘Our goal: World obesity!’ says food exec.

U.S. snack manufacturers want to broaden their appeal worldwide. Recent world obesity figures indicate that U.S. snacks are rapidly gaining mouth share.

New York | Two of America’s leading purveyors of junk food announced breakthroughs in their quest to make the rest of the world as unhealthy as U.S citizens are.

Although it took them over fifty years to realize it, Kraft Foods and PepsiCo simultaneously arrived at the startling conclusion that the rest of the world might be different from the U.S.

Ms. Lorna Doone, Vice-President of Strange-Flavored Treats at Kraft, which owns the Oreo Cookie brand, announced, “Sadly, there are millions of non-Americans who find the Oreo cookie utterly disgusting. So we introduced a revised version of our flagship cookie — the Oreo sandwich cookie — that has become a runaway hit!

“The durian fruit is considered a delicacy throughout Asia, even though its aroma is compared to rotting flesh, raw sewage, and vomit.

One travel writer claims that after eating durian “your breath will smell as if you’d been French-kissing your dead grandmother.”

“Yet durian remains very popular,” continued an effervescent Ms. Doone. “So our first international Oreo is a durian crème sandwich. The name translates into Mandarin, Malay, and Hindi as: Take Big Bite Stinky Smell Fun Fun Bun.

“The only downside is that we have to include a warning that you can’t eat them in a closed space, such as a school, public transportation, or an office because you’ll be arrested and fined. That said, people love it!”

Not to be outdone, PepsiCo has launched a marketing initiative in Russia promoting its new line of drinks.

Pepsi’s new Bubble Blast Off To Oblivion features giant tapioca pearls laced with 151 proof vodka. As this happy taste tester said after his third serving, “I am loving this drink and would like very much to defect to the United States of PepsiCo.”

“It’s basically weak flavored tea filled with those creepy-looking tapioca pearl things malingering around the bottom of the glass,” said Roger Sterling, Pepsi VP of Criminally Indefensible Products. “But the payoff is that our pearls are filled with 151 proof vodka! It translates in Russian as the Bubble Blast Off To Oblivion, and believe me, it has blasted off! Parents and teachers love it because it quiets the kids down!”

Full Exchange Between Obama and Medvedev Revealed!

Seoul, Korea  |  President Obama’s inadvertently recorded exchange with Russian President Medvedev that caused a firestorm of whining among Republicans turns out to be only a small portion of the extended conversation that took place. As the technician fumbled with the volume controls, the full exchange was still recorded as part of the nuclear nonproliferation conference.

At this point in their conversation, Medvedev recounted Vladimir Putin’s habit of
getting stone drunk on 151 proof vodka and then challenging subordinates to
hit him in the stomach as hard as they can.

This reporter obtained a copy of the transcript of the two leader’s complete conversation. The portion that was overheard is italicized.

Obama: On all these issues, but particularly missile defense, this, this can be solved but it’s important for him to give me space.

Medvedev: Yeah, I understand. I understand your message about space. Space for you. You want us to give you outer space. Vlad is going to be mad pissed!

Obama: No, Dimitry, not outer space. Space like, breathing room, room to maneuver. This is my last election. After my election I have more flexibility.

Medvedev: I understand. I will transmit this information to Vladimir.

Obama: How’s that whole job switch thing working for you and Putin?

Medvedev: Like I have choice with Vlad? The guy’s stone KGB. He says, ‘You switch jobs with me or go for midnight dip in Volga. Your choice, dickwad.’

In a light hearted moment at a recent conference, Vladimir Putin, having just consumed a fifth of vodka, playfully threatened to punch President Medvedev’s lights out.

Obama: He called you a dickwad?

Medvedev: Don’t get me started! A couple of weeks ago at his dacha after he is drinking usual 10 vodkas, he takes off shirt and says to punch him in the stomach as hard as I can.

Obama: No way!

Medvedev: Word, bro!

Obama: What’d you do?

Medvedev: I punched motherfucker hard.

Obama: And?

Medvedev: He double over. Then he say, ‘Now I punch you.’

Obama: Uh oh!

Medvedev: I am thinking, ‘Fuck me.’ He did this to guy in Politburo last year and guy was bleeding out of ass for month. I had to let him punch me.

Last year a clearly irritated Vladimir Putin jokingly suggested that should Medvedev not switch positions with him, he would rip out Medvedev’s heart and tear it into little pieces.

Obama: No alternative?

Medvedev: Yes, alternative. Midnight dip in Volga.

Obama: What happened next?

Medvedev: The fucker punched me. When I wake, I have no spleen. Doctors take it.

Obama: Ouch!

Medvedev: Yeah, ouch. I am telling you, if dealing with Sanitarium and Romney is the worst part of day, you are lucky man.

Obama: Hey, man, time to go. Take it easy. Our best to Svetlana.

Medvedev: TTYS, man.