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GOP Senators and Reps Replaced by Cardboard Cutouts!


‘All we do is say ‘No,’ so why show up at all?’ says Republican leadership.

The Senate Minority Leader McConnell cutout held a brief press conference today. When asked whether anything substantive would be accomplished between now and the November elections, an aide held up a ‘NO’ sign. As quickly as it began, the press conference ended. An aide carried the McConnell cutout back to its office for its afternoon nap.

Washington, DC  |  In a startling move, the Republican leadership mandated that all GOP senators and congressmen be replaced with life-sized cardboard cutouts. Each cutout figure will come equipped with two signs, reading “No” or “Nay” depending on whether it’s a press conference or a vote.

“We’ve been against everything that has come up for a vote for the last seven and a half years,” said Mr. Boehner as he was hastily packing up his office for a return to Ohio to compete in the Koch Brothers GOP Invitational Golf Tournament.

“Not one Republican really needs to be in Washington. We’re not up to much, and we’re against everything, so why hang around?” said Boehner as he lugged his golf clubs to the trunk of a waiting limo.

The House Majority Leader Boehner cutout also held a press conference today. In a startling moment that has attracted the attention of the Vatican, when the Boehner cutout was asked if it really wanted to vote against providing school lunches to poor children, the cutout responded ‘NO’ as a small tear rolled out of the cutout’s right eye, raising the possibility of stigmata.

Senate Minority Leader McConnell was also rushing out the door with a bag of golf clubs slung over his shoulder.

“Hell, I don’t even play golf, but the first 50 prizes are $10 million each, so when the Koch boys are payin’, I’m playin’!”

When asked for his reaction to this unheard of development, President Obama was upbeat. “You know, I invited the Eric Cantor and John Boehner cutouts to have dinner with Michelle, me, and the kids last night. We had one of the most delightful, reasonable conversations you can imagine. The kids had fun coloring them too. I’m looking forward to working together with these cutouts. If we word a bill the right way, a ‘No’ vote might just get something done.”

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2 Comments Post a comment
  1. They’re still getting paid, though, right? Because I’d hate to think that they were getting short-changed just because they’re using cutouts.

    May 9, 2012
    • They are donating their paycheck to poverty programs.

      NOT!

      May 9, 2012

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