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Why I Love Spam

Were it not for spam, there would be far fewer visitors to this blog.

A typical spammer in repose.

As a thank you to the touchingly tongue-tied morons out there in Ukraine, Nigeria, China, South Carolina, Germany, Idaho, Russia, and New Hampshire, here are some individual responses to their messages. The spam has been shortened, but is otherwise unedited to preserve its freshness.

“I have learn several just right stuff here. I surprise how a lot attempt you set to create the sort of wonderful informative web site.”

Apparently, it’s not informative enough for you to create a coherent sentence.

“Definitely consider that which you said. You managed to hit the nail upon the highest and outlined out the whole thing without having side effect.”

There seems to have been one serious side effect: You are a blithering idiot.

 “You realize therefore significantly on the subject of this subject, produced me in my view imagine it from so many numerous angles. Your personal stuffs outstanding. All the time maintain it up!”

What the hell would you know about my personal stuffs, if I may be so bold as to ask? And, if you must know, I always maintain it up, never down.

 “I’m writing to let you be aware of the really good experience my friend’s girl had reading through yuor web blog.”

Thank yuor girl friend for me and have her send photos!

“I have been surfing online more than three hours these days, but I never found any interesting article like yours. It is lovely worth sufficient for me.”

Same here!

“What i do not understood is actually how you are now not actually a lot more well-appreciated than you might be now. You are very intelligent.”

Yes, I am very intelligent and why I’m not more appreciated is the story of my life.

“Needed to draft you a very small note to help thank you over again relating to the awesome thoughts you’ve contributed in this article. This is quite wonderfully open-handed with people like you to allow openly all a few people might have marketed as an electronic book to earn some dough for themselves, primarily considering that you might have done it in the event you considered necessary.”

If I understand you correctly, and I hope that I don’t, you’re a literary agent who wants to publish my writing and make us both millionaires. If you aren’t, then fuck off.

“I used to be recommended this web site by my cousin. I am now not positive whether or not this put up is written through him as nobody else recognize such specific approximately my problem. You’re incredible! Thank you!”

You’re incredible as well! How you got through that second sentence without injuring yourself badly I’ll never know!

“You actually make it appear really easy along with your presentation but I find this matter to be actually one thing that I feel I might by no means understand. It seems too complex and extremely huge for me.”

What I write is definitely too complex and huge for you. Mary Had A Little Lamb is too huge for you.

“Hello there, simply turned into aware of your blog thru Google. I’m gonna watch out for brussels.”

I too have been watching out for brussels and have seen hide nor hair of him/her.

 “xGeniale infos chip meinereiner daselbst vorgefunden sein Eigen nennen, solange bis zum nächsten fleck.”

Isn’t it time for you to invade Poland?

“Excellent points altogether, you just won a brand new reader. What may you recommend in regards to your put up that you made a few days in the past? Any sure?”

Many sure!

“Its like you read my mind! You appear to know a lot approximately this, such as you wrote the e book in it or something.”

The thought of reading your mind is making me approximately ill.

“Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in fact was once a entertainment account it. Glance complicated to far delivered agreeable from you!”

This is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me!

“Hiya: thank you for getting time of composing up this data. I consistently try to even more my comprehension of stuff. Whether or not I consent or disagree, I love important information.”

Hiya! You just keep trying to even more comprehension of stuff and soon, before you know it, you’ll make it to moron.

“I beloved as much as you will obtain performed right here.”

Yes, right here is where I obtain perform every day.

“You got a really excellent site, Gladiolus I located it by means of yahoo”

Time to plant your Gladiolus, pal.

“I savour, lead to I discovered exactly what I was taking a look for. You have ended my four day long hunt! God Bless you man.”

Four day hunt for what? On second thought, don’t tell me.

“Its like you read my thoughts! You appear to know so much approximately this.”

You raise an interesting question. Is it possible to read the thoughts of an illiterate?

“I am new in English learning, what does this mean?”

Indeed — what does any of it mean?

6 Comments Post a comment
  1. That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time my friend! I’ve been wanting to do a post of my own on the crazy stuff I find in my spam folder, but I realize now just what a deft hand is required to do it justice. You are my new hero!

    April 13, 2012
    • I used to eat actual Spam for dinner as a child. I guess I never lost my taste for it. I’m glad I’ve turned you on to the merits of spam or Spam.

      April 13, 2012
  2. Dear dags,
    I used to eat Spam too. Did you know they now do Spam Stinky French Garlic? I haven’t tried it.
    Love Dotty xxx

    April 14, 2012
    • Dottikins,
      I’m tempted to buy a can of it and try it again. But there are many, many other things I’m tempted to do and, under advice from my lawyer, I don’t do them either.

      April 14, 2012
  3. Alex Jones #

    Thanks for making me laugh loudly twice.

    April 17, 2012
    • Laughter is always is always good. Spam is underrated as a source of nutrition and laughter.

      April 17, 2012

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