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Romney Announces New Poverty Initiative: Poor People as Pets!

Rep. Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney announced their new program of eliminating all government monies spent on poverty programs and replacing them with a voluntary Adopt-a-Poor-Person-As-A-Pet Program.

All poverty programs to be defunded in favor of voluntary adoption of the poor

Washington  |  In what many are condemning as the most profoundly heartless proposal since the Republicans legislated ketchup as a school lunch vegetable, Mitt Romney and his Best Budget Buddy Paul Ryan announced that, under his administration, all poverty programs would be 100% defunded and subsidized solely by voluntary contributions and “an exciting and dynamic new program of People as Pets.”

Democratic spokespeople were unavailable for comment because they were literally speechless.

“If the poor person already has a pet, so much the better!” exclaimed Romney. “It’s a twofer! And you can always return the poor person and keep the dog!”

At a carefully scripted press conference where reporters were prevented from asking questions by keeping them behind a sheet of sound-proof glass, the annoyingly bumptious Romney proclaimed, “We Republicans are great believers in volunteerism and we think it’s time to stop kidding ourselves about helping poor people.

“Nobody wants the government doling out their hard-earned — or in my case, unearned income — to poor people — at least my 1% friends and I sure don’t. On Day One of my administration, we will be asking the American people to show how much they care — or don’t care — about poor people.”

“Our economic analysis shows that puppies like these are a drag on the economy – they’re basically useless – whereas poor people have the potential to actually DO something. We think that once they get used to the idea, the American people will fall in love the the idea of Poor People as Pets, and we won’t be able to furnish enough poor people at our new No-Kill Adoption Centers,” intoned Rep. Ryan.

“After much study,” interjected Representative Ryan, who had to wrestle the microphone from Romney’s hands, “I discovered that the American people spend about $53 billion a year on their pets. In my new People as Pets Program (PPP), we will encourage those people who already have pets to come to one of our new No-Kill Adoption Centers and adopt a poor person. I’ve already done it and it’s great! They’ve had all their shots, have their green and work permits, they are certified English speakers, and Mitt won’t have to worry if they’re qualified to cut his lawn, for Pete’s sake, because they are!”

Romney’s newly adopted poor person mows the Romney lawn. Said Romney: “He came with all his shots, green card, and speaks English! And he comes when he’s called, which is more than Seamus ever did!”

Unable to wrest the microphone from Ryan’s grasp, Romney leaned in and continued, “Ann just adopted a poor person and drove him home on the roof of her Cadillac Escalade — hey, I’m joking — he rode in the trunk, and the guy has already mowed our lawn and washed all the windows on the second, third, fourth, and fifth floors of our house in Lexington.

“The Return-On-Investment on a Poor Person Pet is huge — much better than a golden retriever, ferret, or turtle — because the actually DO something, as opposed to a dog, for instance. And if you make over $250,000 a year, you can write off your adoption and maintenance fees on your taxes. It’s a win for you and for poor people — at least the nice clean ones!”

4 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oh my Lord, this is perfect.

    May 4, 2012
    • Get on down to your local No-Kill Adoption Center! This one’s available!
      lovable homeless guy

      Can you honestly turn the page and not feel guilty for helping this poor soul who obviously has a great sense of humor. Think of the lively dinner time conversations!

      May 4, 2012
  2. Dear Dags,

    Will you adopt me?

    Love Dotty xxx

    May 5, 2012
    • Dear Dotty,
      It would be nice to have someone around to polish the silver and rinse out the dog, but having been unemployed for more years that I’d care to shake a stick at, I’d have to first adopt myself and then you. If your shots are up to date, you’re good at beating carpets, and you’re not a biter, seems like it might be fun to have you living out there in the garage!
      Eternally yours,

      May 5, 2012

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