Romney Announces New Poverty Initiative: Poor People as Pets!
All poverty programs to be defunded in favor of voluntary adoption of the poor
Washington | In what many are condemning as the most profoundly heartless proposal since the Republicans legislated ketchup as a school lunch vegetable, Mitt Romney and his Best Budget Buddy Paul Ryan announced that, under his administration, all poverty programs would be 100% defunded and subsidized solely by voluntary contributions and “an exciting and dynamic new program of People as Pets.”
Democratic spokespeople were unavailable for comment because they were literally speechless.
At a carefully scripted press conference where reporters were prevented from asking questions by keeping them behind a sheet of sound-proof glass, the annoyingly bumptious Romney proclaimed, “We Republicans are great believers in volunteerism and we think it’s time to stop kidding ourselves about helping poor people.
“Nobody wants the government doling out their hard-earned — or in my case, unearned income — to poor people — at least my 1% friends and I sure don’t. On Day One of my administration, we will be asking the American people to show how much they care — or don’t care — about poor people.”
“After much study,” interjected Representative Ryan, who had to wrestle the microphone from Romney’s hands, “I discovered that the American people spend about $53 billion a year on their pets. In my new People as Pets Program (PPP), we will encourage those people who already have pets to come to one of our new No-Kill Adoption Centers and adopt a poor person. I’ve already done it and it’s great! They’ve had all their shots, have their green and work permits, they are certified English speakers, and Mitt won’t have to worry if they’re qualified to cut his lawn, for Pete’s sake, because they are!”
Unable to wrest the microphone from Ryan’s grasp, Romney leaned in and continued, “Ann just adopted a poor person and drove him home on the roof of her Cadillac Escalade — hey, I’m joking — he rode in the trunk, and the guy has already mowed our lawn and washed all the windows on the second, third, fourth, and fifth floors of our house in Lexington.
“The Return-On-Investment on a Poor Person Pet is huge — much better than a golden retriever, ferret, or turtle — because the actually DO something, as opposed to a dog, for instance. And if you make over $250,000 a year, you can write off your adoption and maintenance fees on your taxes. It’s a win for you and for poor people — at least the nice clean ones!”