Disney Institute transforms unlikely customers
Bamboozling customers one smile at a time
Orlando, Florida | The Disney Institutute is bringing the “Disney Way” to an unlikely group of corporations, organizations, and governments, from the Last Stop Hospice in Shitonmee, Georgia to the North Korean government.
“Here at Disney we’ve learned how to reduce every transaction into an infantile exchange of false praise and bogus happy feelings that our customers gobble up like free ice cream,” said Corky McPhee, Executive VP of Cheeriness at the Disney Institute.
“The goal of American business is to extract the maximum amount of value from each societal unit — what you call ‘people’ — in return for the minimum amount of customer service and product quality.
“And the formula worked great for 50 years! But that darned ole InterWeb wised people up to the fact that they are getting ripped off every day in every way. And that’s where we come in!” Corky burbled.
“Our job is to inject a big dose of smiling, happiness, and fun into each transaction! Targeted marketing units will still get the same crappy goods and service, but they will feel so much better about the whole thing!”
One of Disney’s most unlikely clients has been North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Fat-Cheeked Leader of Starving Millions.
In a rare interview, the fubsy dictator greeted reporters with an enthusiastic handshake and gave each of them a goody bag. “I gonna level with you. We getting a lot of bad feedback from our clients in prison camps. We give plenty of attention — bad food, beatings, no sleep, back breaking work, vermin, disease — all the usual stuff, but our prisoner satisfaction ratings still in toilet.”
“I said to myself, ‘Supreme Leader, how you gonna to run a country on forced labor if all your work force hate you? So I call up Disney, they send a SWAT (Smile With All your Teeth) team, and they train up the camp commandants and guards.
“Big, big changes! Our prisoner satisfaction numbers through roof! Now our “customers” see prison as a spa experience where they get to lose weight, tone up with plenty of fresh air and exercise, and every morning they start off singing ‘Heigh Ho, it’s off to work we go!’ What more can a Supreme Boy Leader ask for?”
“It’s made a huge difference in our business, says Agnes Dei, supervisor at the Last Stop Hospice in Georgia. “Each of dying person is greeted by an “angel” dressed like Minnie Mouse, who wears a Hawaiian shirt, plays show tunes on her ukulele, and hands the client and his family a tropical drink laced with liquid morphine. Hate to say it, but people are dyin’ to get in here ever since we Disneyed up the place!”
Although Ms. McPhee wouldn’t verify the report, it is widely rumored that the Romney Campaign has hired Disney to improve Mitt Romney’s likability and desirability ratings, which poll somewhere between having projectile diarrhea and a tooth extraction without anesthetic. Speaking on background, a Disney executive expressed doubts whether there was anything Disney could do for Romney. “Simply put, Mitt is an asshole but the kind of asshole who is convinced that he isn’t an asshole, so there’s no incentive for him to stop being an asshole. Our research has shows that assholes with Harvard MBAs may be immune to the Disney treatment.”