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Disney Institute transforms unlikely customers

Bamboozling customers one smile at a time

Disney's ever-cheerful Corky McPhee chirps, "Our studies show that here in the good ole U S of A, companies have been treating their customers like shit for years, a period that roughly coincides the proliferation of MBAs being awarded."

Orlando, Florida  |  The Disney Institutute is bringing the “Disney Way” to an unlikely group of corporations, organizations, and governments, from the Last Stop Hospice in Shitonmee, Georgia to the North Korean government.

“Here at Disney we’ve learned how to reduce every transaction into an infantile exchange of false praise and bogus happy feelings that our customers gobble up like free ice cream,” said Corky McPhee, Executive VP of Cheeriness at the Disney Institute.

“The goal of American business is to extract the maximum amount of value from each societal unit — what you call ‘people’ — in return for the minimum amount of customer service and product quality.

“And the formula worked great for 50 years! But that darned ole InterWeb wised people up to the fact that they are getting ripped off every day in every way. And that’s where we come in!” Corky burbled.

“Our job is to inject a big dose of smiling, happiness, and fun into each transaction! Targeted marketing units will still get the same crappy goods and service, but they will feel so much better about the whole thing!”

One of Disney’s most unlikely clients has been North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Fat-Cheeked Leader of Starving Millions.

In a rare interview, the fubsy dictator greeted reporters with an enthusiastic handshake and gave each of them a goody bag. “I gonna level with you. We getting a lot of bad feedback from our clients in prison camps. We give plenty of attention — bad food, beatings, no sleep, back breaking work, vermin, disease  — all the usual stuff, but our prisoner satisfaction ratings still in toilet.”

Transformed by the "Disney Way," King Jon-un shares a lighthearted moment with reporters upon hearing that prisoner satisfaction ratings at North Korea's extensive forced labor camps have improved 5000%.

“I said to myself, ‘Supreme Leader, how you gonna to run a country on forced labor if all your work force hate you?  So I call up Disney, they send a SWAT (Smile With All your Teeth) team, and they train up the camp commandants and guards.

“Big, big changes! Our prisoner satisfaction numbers through roof! Now our “customers” see prison as  a spa experience where they get to lose weight, tone up with plenty of fresh air and exercise, and every morning they start off singing ‘Heigh Ho, it’s off to work we go!’ What more can a Supreme Boy Leader ask for?”

“It’s made a huge difference in our business, says Agnes Dei, supervisor at the Last Stop Hospice in Georgia. “Each of dying person is greeted by an “angel” dressed like Minnie Mouse, who wears a Hawaiian shirt, plays show tunes on her ukulele, and hands the client and his family a tropical drink laced with liquid morphine. Hate to say it, but people are dyin’ to get in here ever since we Disneyed up the place!”

Disney spokesperson said, "Mitt Romney is always laughing it up, but it's the laughter
of a guy who's laughing at his own jokes - the surest sign that you're dealing with
an asshole. People like that have very low likability quotient. Flesh eating bacteria
has higher likability numbers than Mitt."

Although Ms. McPhee wouldn’t verify the report, it is widely rumored that the Romney Campaign has hired Disney to improve Mitt Romney’s likability and desirability ratings, which poll somewhere between having projectile diarrhea and a tooth extraction without anesthetic. Speaking on background, a Disney executive expressed doubts whether there was anything Disney could do for Romney. “Simply put, Mitt is an asshole but the kind of asshole who is convinced that he isn’t an asshole, so there’s no incentive for him to stop being an asshole. Our research has shows that assholes with Harvard MBAs may be immune to the Disney treatment.”

5 Comments Post a comment
  1. As long as the DPRK isn’t building rides for Disney (even though I think they specialize in applauding animatronics), I encourage their relationship.

    Agnes Dei…nice touch 😉


    April 23, 2012
    • Running Dog Capitalists of the Caribbean? There’s No Tomorrow Land? The Deranged Tea Party of Death? Buzz Lightyear’s Nuclear Oblivion and Beyond?
      Could be winners.

      April 23, 2012
      • “Make Me Il Mountain”? 😉

        April 23, 2012
  2. I’m glad it’s not just my company that embraced the Disney approach. A few years ago our senior management presented a Disney-run program to our employees—very much like the Carousel of Progress, but in reverse. The show started with an animatronic presentation of the type of pay, benefits and company culture we used to enjoy. Then our animatronic host (who looked eerily like Mitt Romney) took us through the many ways in which those were stripped away, culminating with the Company of the Future (which looked very much like the scene in “Brazil” where Jonathan Pryce shares a desk with the guy in the next office), where the health plan consists of a bottle of aspirin that expired in 2006.

    I might have balked at the whole thing if it were shown as a PowerPoint presentation, but the animatronics and cheery singing really made it work.

    April 29, 2012
    • A spoonful of strychnine makes the medicine go down in a most delightful way!!!!!!!!

      April 29, 2012

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