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Corporate Sponsors of Stand Your Ground Law Run for Cover

‘Shooting deaths are cutting into our profits!’ says Ronald McDonald

Tallahassee, Florida  |  A right-wing advocacy group behind the proliferation of Stand Your Ground Laws is running out of ammo.

The corporate sponsors who gave millions to the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) to thwart taxes on sugar-laced drinks and junk food are suddenly in the spotlight for promoting the law that has  tripled the number of “justifiable homicides” in Florida.

A McDonald’s source dressed as spokesclown Ronald revealed that the Stand Your Ground Law in Florida was responsible for so many homicides that it was “killing off business, so to speak.”

But the barrage of bad publicity is far from the actual reason McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Mars, Kraft Foods, Coca-Cola, and PepsiCo are abandoning ALEC.

“You didn’t hear this from me,” said spokesclown Ronald McDonald, “but we looked at our demographics, our slumping sales, and the soaring homicide rate. The answer was as plain as the red nose on my face. Our customers are killing each other.

“Not only are they dying like flies, but our customer base is spending more of their discretionary entertainment dollars on handguns, travel to gun shows, lifetime NRA memberships, ammo, DVDs of hot girls shooting big guns, and funerals. Murder is taking a big bite out of our profits!”

National Rifle Association official J. Fred Muggs grew incensed when asked for comment on this article, warned the reporter that he was feeling very, very threatened, and was considering killing him.

When this reporter approached NRA spokesman J. Fred Muggs for comment, he replied, “You’re one of those drive-by media types, aren’t you? You know what? I’m feeling a little bit threatened by you — no, in fact, I’m feeling a whole lot threatened by you, bub!” As Muggs drew his sidearm, I ran to my car and locked the doors.

“I’m still feeling threatened!” shouted Muggs as I drove off. “And I won’t stop feeling threatened until you cross the state line!”

4 Comments Post a comment
  1. Dear Dags,
    I don’t know why the burger chains are whining, if their customers are killing each other it means free meat for them, scoop ’em up, clean ’em out, put ’em on the grill, FLIP ‘EM.
    Love Dotty xxx

    April 17, 2012
  2. What I feel threatened by a Big Mac?

    April 17, 2012
    • When Big Macs are outlawed, only outlaws will have Big Macs.

      April 17, 2012

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