Romney Proud of His Lack of Authenticity

‘Inauthenticity is a core Republican value!’ avows Mitt.

Lexington, MA  |  Having finally eliminated his chief rival for the Republican nomination, a triumphant Mitt Romney found himself in the most dangerous moment of his quest to become president.

He was feeling expansive and he was near a microphone, two conditions that his handlers recognize as fraught with danger.

Romney did not disappoint.

Mitt Romney cited George W. Bush and Ron Reagan as pinnacles of inauthenticity who were both elected to two presidential terms. "You want to be an also-ran? All you have to do is be authentic - an authentic loser!" said Romney.

“I don’t know why you guys go on and on about me being so inauthentic,” Romney declared, although no one had brought up the subject. “Inauthenticity, and for that matter, duplicity, is a core Republican belief and, believe you me, it works!

“For Gosh sake! Look at George W. Bush playing I’m-a-big-tough-pilot on an aircraft carrier. And there’s The Great Communicator who confused his movies with real life! You call that authentic? Didn’t make any difference — two terms for those jamokes!

“You want duplicity? Look at Ford pardoning Nixon. Nixon and Agnew were both crooks and liars. Then Nixon picks Ford to be his Vice, Nixon resigns, Ford becomes President, Ford pardons Nixon, and Ford says there was no deal. Heck, no one believed him but he did it anyway! That’s Republicanism at its best!”

Candidate Romney has criticized President Obama for playing golf, just like Ford, Bush, and Reagan did. "It's far more inauthentic of me to criticize Obama for playing golf when Ann and I go riding on our $40,000 horses!" exclaimed Romney.

Mitt Romney sees horse ownership as an emblem of his inauthenticity. "As Ann said, we don't think of ourselves as wealthy. How much more inauthentic can we be?"

A flabbergasted reporter had the presence of mind to ask Romney about his criticism of President Obama for playing golf when every Republican president going back to Taft had spent many happy hours on the links.

“The only reason Obama plays golf is because he isn’t rich enough to ride horses like Ann and I do. It’s shows a pathetic lack of wealth on his part!”

Santorum Supporters Span Political Spectrum From A to B

Soaring poll numbers mask a bottomless abyss of ignorance among so-called ‘Sanitoriums’

Lansing, MI  |  In the ever-tightening race for the Republican nomination, Rick Santorum is staging a stunning surge in what is supposed to be Mitt Romney’s backyard, Michigan. In an effort to determine why Michiganers are favoring Santorum over Romney, Fox News conducted a poll of Santorum supporters, also known as Sanitoriums. The results have not been released to the public, but this reporter managed to get a copy of the report from a liberal mole inside the Fox News directorate.

Santorum supports a Constitutional amendment expressly outlawing man-dog love relationships.

In response to the question, “Why do you like Rick Santorum?”  Santorum supporters responded as follows.

Loves the fact that Santorum
is anti-condom!
2%

Agrees with Santorum that
man–dog love is disgusting
5%

Approves of Santorum proposal
for a new Crusade to retake
the Holy Land
4%

Santorum's advocacy of persecuting non-Christians, homos, Muslims, Massachusetts residents, non-Catholics, dog lovers, food stamp recipients, condom wearers, women soldiers, health care advocates, sick people, victims of incest, the non-rich, and other deviant populations is popular with a surprising number of Michiganers.

Agrees with Santorum position
that all homos should be
restricted to San Francisco
or New York or better yet,
France
7%

Thought it was creepy but
cool when Santorum and his wife
slept next to the corpse of
their dead son
(self-identified necrophiliac)
.0001%

Supports Santorum position
to teach creationism and
intelligent design, belief in
the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus,
and mandating 2 hours of
Christian prayer every day,
in all schools, public and private,
Kindergarten through
post-graduate
9.6%

Typical "blah" family that will be summarily ejected from welfare rolls under Santorum Presidency

Believes that Santorum will
remove all “blah” people
from welfare rolls
13.5%

Just really likes guys
who wear sweater vests
4.2%

Regular viewer of
Fox News and
honestly doesn’t have
a clue what’s going on
26.7%

Santorum declares his opposition to wearing condoms - and does a little bragging!

Confuses Mormons with Muslims’
therefore supports Santorum.
4.899%

Thinks that Newt Gingrich is too creepy,
Lyndon LaRouche is too crazy,
but that Rick Santorum is just right
18.1%

Need a bigger dose of Rick Santorum? Try this!