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GOP Senators and Reps Replaced by Cardboard Cutouts!

‘All we do is say ‘No,’ so why show up at all?’ says Republican leadership.

The Senate Minority Leader McConnell cutout held a brief press conference today. When asked whether anything substantive would be accomplished between now and the November elections, an aide held up a ‘NO’ sign. As quickly as it began, the press conference ended. An aide carried the McConnell cutout back to its office for its afternoon nap.

Washington, DC  |  In a startling move, the Republican leadership mandated that all GOP senators and congressmen be replaced with life-sized cardboard cutouts. Each cutout figure will come equipped with two signs, reading “No” or “Nay” depending on whether it’s a press conference or a vote.

“We’ve been against everything that has come up for a vote for the last seven and a half years,” said Mr. Boehner as he was hastily packing up his office for a return to Ohio to compete in the Koch Brothers GOP Invitational Golf Tournament.

“Not one Republican really needs to be in Washington. We’re not up to much, and we’re against everything, so why hang around?” said Boehner as he lugged his golf clubs to the trunk of a waiting limo.

The House Majority Leader Boehner cutout also held a press conference today. In a startling moment that has attracted the attention of the Vatican, when the Boehner cutout was asked if it really wanted to vote against providing school lunches to poor children, the cutout responded ‘NO’ as a small tear rolled out of the cutout’s right eye, raising the possibility of stigmata.

Senate Minority Leader McConnell was also rushing out the door with a bag of golf clubs slung over his shoulder.

“Hell, I don’t even play golf, but the first 50 prizes are $10 million each, so when the Koch boys are payin’, I’m playin’!”

When asked for his reaction to this unheard of development, President Obama was upbeat. “You know, I invited the Eric Cantor and John Boehner cutouts to have dinner with Michelle, me, and the kids last night. We had one of the most delightful, reasonable conversations you can imagine. The kids had fun coloring them too. I’m looking forward to working together with these cutouts. If we word a bill the right way, a ‘No’ vote might just get something done.”

And now, a message from Teddy Roosevelt

Teddy Roosevelt, the 26th President of the U.S. from 1901 to 1909, led the U.S. at a time when the concentrated wealth of corporations, monopolies, and some individuals was so great that, in large part, they determined the course of the country.

Contrary to what Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and the Tea Party would have you believe, life was not a free market paradise except for those at the top. The game was rigged from top to bottom by the wealthiest. Most Americans had the privilege of suffering from the financial crimes and whims of the rich and their monopolies; the poor and working poor lived lives of desperate poverty.

Despite his patrician background and the fact that he was a Republican, Teddy knew that the real enemy of democracy – of our freedoms — was the unregulated power of wealth, concentrated in the hands of a few. He called such people and companies “The Malefactors of Great Wealth.”

TR knew that corporations weren’t people unlike Mitt Romney who might as well be a corporation.

Here’s what he had to say about them.

“Too much cannot be said against the men of wealth who sacrifice everything to getting wealth. There is not in the world a more ignoble character than the mere money-getting American, insensible to every duty, regardless of every principle, bent only on amassing a fortune, and putting his fortune only to the basest uses . . . to speculate in stocks and wreck railroads himself. . .

These men are equally careless of the working men, whom they oppress, and of the State, whose existence they imperil. There are not very many of them, but there is a very great number of men who approach more or less closely to the type, and, just in so far as they do so approach, they are curses to the country.

It may well be that the determination of the government (in which, gentlemen, it will not waver) to punish certain malefactors of great wealth, has been responsible for something of the trouble; at least to the extent of having caused these men to combine to bring about as much financial stress as possible, in order to discredit the policy of the government and thereby secure a reversal of that policy, so that they may enjoy unmolested the fruits of their own evil-doing. . . .

I regard this contest as one to determine who shall rule this free country—the people through their governmental agents, or a few ruthless and domineering men whose wealth makes them peculiarly formidable because they hide behind the breastworks of corporate organization.”

For an update on how the malefactors are doing these days, check out Alex Pareene’s article on America’s Idiot Rich.

Teddy Roosevelt would have shuddered with disgust to see these pipsqueak capitalists who invented nothing, manufactured nothing, but merely profited from the ideas, sweat, suffering, and labor of others. Mitt Romney, of course, is the center figure.

Bold New U.S. Snacks Invade World Markets

‘Our goal: World obesity!’ says food exec.

U.S. snack manufacturers want to broaden their appeal worldwide. Recent world obesity figures indicate that U.S. snacks are rapidly gaining mouth share.

New York | Two of America’s leading purveyors of junk food announced breakthroughs in their quest to make the rest of the world as unhealthy as U.S citizens are.

Although it took them over fifty years to realize it, Kraft Foods and PepsiCo simultaneously arrived at the startling conclusion that the rest of the world might be different from the U.S.

Ms. Lorna Doone, Vice-President of Strange-Flavored Treats at Kraft, which owns the Oreo Cookie brand, announced, “Sadly, there are millions of non-Americans who find the Oreo cookie utterly disgusting. So we introduced a revised version of our flagship cookie — the Oreo sandwich cookie — that has become a runaway hit!

“The durian fruit is considered a delicacy throughout Asia, even though its aroma is compared to rotting flesh, raw sewage, and vomit.

One travel writer claims that after eating durian “your breath will smell as if you’d been French-kissing your dead grandmother.”

“Yet durian remains very popular,” continued an effervescent Ms. Doone. “So our first international Oreo is a durian crème sandwich. The name translates into Mandarin, Malay, and Hindi as: Take Big Bite Stinky Smell Fun Fun Bun.

“The only downside is that we have to include a warning that you can’t eat them in a closed space, such as a school, public transportation, or an office because you’ll be arrested and fined. That said, people love it!”

Not to be outdone, PepsiCo has launched a marketing initiative in Russia promoting its new line of drinks.

Pepsi’s new Bubble Blast Off To Oblivion features giant tapioca pearls laced with 151 proof vodka. As this happy taste tester said after his third serving, “I am loving this drink and would like very much to defect to the United States of PepsiCo.”

“It’s basically weak flavored tea filled with those creepy-looking tapioca pearl things malingering around the bottom of the glass,” said Roger Sterling, Pepsi VP of Criminally Indefensible Products. “But the payoff is that our pearls are filled with 151 proof vodka! It translates in Russian as the Bubble Blast Off To Oblivion, and believe me, it has blasted off! Parents and teachers love it because it quiets the kids down!”

Infinite Number of Bloggers Produces Works of Shakespeare

‘We never thought we’d see it!’ say amazed statisticians.

The infinite monkey theorem always assumed monkeys and typewriters. Substituting bloggers for monkeys and computers for typewriters has produced the perfect conditions for the statistically improbable to become reality.

Cambridge, MA  |  In a shocking development that has stunned scientists around the world, the so-called “infinite monkey theorem” has tentatively proven true.

This theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. Alternative versions of the theorem posit an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters.

“We were always using monkeys and typewriters in our calculations,” said Dr. Arthur Vandelay, head of the Harvard Center for the Study of Infinite Monkeys, “and hadn’t realized that with millions of bloggers out there, we had a critical mass of monkeys, so to speak.

Unknown to her parents, five year old Siberian blogger Natalya Dvorzhetskii snuck downstairs early in the morning over a period of months and wrote the complete texts of Shakespeare’s tragedies, with only a few errant passages.

“We recently discovered the blog of a Natalya Dvorzhetskii, a five year old Russian girl living in Kissov, Siberia. She has never been exposed to the works of Shakespeare, yet her last twelve blog entries comprise the complete texts of Shakespeare’s tragedies! Of course, there are a few glitches here and there.”

One of the inconsistencies occurs in the Bard’s most famous passage. Ms. Dvorzhetskii’s version of the “To be or not to be” soliloquy came out as

To be, or not to be, that is the Catch-22:
Whether ’tis Nobler in the slithey toves
The fucking fucks and the fucking furious fusilli of Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a sea of I could not stop for death,
And by opposing how shall I compare thee?
No more. . .

“Other than this infelicitous passage, she has the texts off perfectly!” exclaimed Dr. Vandelay.

In a parallel development, a wild ring-tailed lemur in Madagascar recently broke into the municipal office in Amparafaravola, sat down at a computer station, and wrote letter-perfect versions of seven Ernest Hemingway short stories.

A ring-tailed lemur, nicknamed Hemmy, is seen here taking a break after
spontaneously typing verbatim seven of Ernest Hemingway’s short stories.
The William Morris Agency now represents Hemmy and has negotiated
a three book deal.

News of the literary lemur didn’t impress Dr. Valdelay as much. “On the face of it, this, too, seems remarkable, but considering that it’s Hemingway, it’s more surprising that a monkey or lemur hadn’t already done it.”

Previous efforts to induce primates to type a classic of literature haven’t been successful.

The next Stephen King or E. L. James? Perhaps!

In 2003, lecturers and students from the University of Plymouth MediaLab Arts course studied the literary output of real monkeys. They left a computer keyboard in the enclosure of six Celebes Crested Macaques in Paignton Zoo in Devon in England for a month.

Not only did the monkeys produce nothing but five pages consisting largely of the letter S, the dominant male bashed the keyboard with a stone. The other monkeys joined in by urinating and defecating on the computer.

Romney Announces New Poverty Initiative: Poor People as Pets!

Rep. Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney announced their new program of eliminating all government monies spent on poverty programs and replacing them with a voluntary Adopt-a-Poor-Person-As-A-Pet Program.

All poverty programs to be defunded in favor of voluntary adoption of the poor

Washington  |  In what many are condemning as the most profoundly heartless proposal since the Republicans legislated ketchup as a school lunch vegetable, Mitt Romney and his Best Budget Buddy Paul Ryan announced that, under his administration, all poverty programs would be 100% defunded and subsidized solely by voluntary contributions and “an exciting and dynamic new program of People as Pets.”

Democratic spokespeople were unavailable for comment because they were literally speechless.

“If the poor person already has a pet, so much the better!” exclaimed Romney. “It’s a twofer! And you can always return the poor person and keep the dog!”

At a carefully scripted press conference where reporters were prevented from asking questions by keeping them behind a sheet of sound-proof glass, the annoyingly bumptious Romney proclaimed, “We Republicans are great believers in volunteerism and we think it’s time to stop kidding ourselves about helping poor people.

“Nobody wants the government doling out their hard-earned — or in my case, unearned income — to poor people — at least my 1% friends and I sure don’t. On Day One of my administration, we will be asking the American people to show how much they care — or don’t care — about poor people.”

“Our economic analysis shows that puppies like these are a drag on the economy – they’re basically useless – whereas poor people have the potential to actually DO something. We think that once they get used to the idea, the American people will fall in love the the idea of Poor People as Pets, and we won’t be able to furnish enough poor people at our new No-Kill Adoption Centers,” intoned Rep. Ryan.

“After much study,” interjected Representative Ryan, who had to wrestle the microphone from Romney’s hands, “I discovered that the American people spend about $53 billion a year on their pets. In my new People as Pets Program (PPP), we will encourage those people who already have pets to come to one of our new No-Kill Adoption Centers and adopt a poor person. I’ve already done it and it’s great! They’ve had all their shots, have their green and work permits, they are certified English speakers, and Mitt won’t have to worry if they’re qualified to cut his lawn, for Pete’s sake, because they are!”

Romney’s newly adopted poor person mows the Romney lawn. Said Romney: “He came with all his shots, green card, and speaks English! And he comes when he’s called, which is more than Seamus ever did!”

Unable to wrest the microphone from Ryan’s grasp, Romney leaned in and continued, “Ann just adopted a poor person and drove him home on the roof of her Cadillac Escalade — hey, I’m joking — he rode in the trunk, and the guy has already mowed our lawn and washed all the windows on the second, third, fourth, and fifth floors of our house in Lexington.

“The Return-On-Investment on a Poor Person Pet is huge — much better than a golden retriever, ferret, or turtle — because the actually DO something, as opposed to a dog, for instance. And if you make over $250,000 a year, you can write off your adoption and maintenance fees on your taxes. It’s a win for you and for poor people — at least the nice clean ones!”

Mad Men’s Don Draper Sets Record for Most Boinks in One Episode

‘I don’t know how the guy does it,’ confesses actor John Hamm. ‘And they didn’t even have Cialis back then!’

Don Draper’s prostate is big but probably not as big as this giant potato.

In the next episode of Mad Men, Don Draper, who at this point has a prostate gland the size of an Idaho potato, continues his swashbuckling and unbuckling ways.

Don and jet-setting Joy were perfect for each other. Neither of them ever asked for the other’s last name.

Joy, the aptly named jet-setting minx he met during his three-day AWOL interlude in California, pops into the offices of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce to say, “Hi!”

Alarmed that his new wife Megan will see her, Don hustles Joy out of the office and into the elevator but he hits the emergency stop button on the 27th floor so that he and Joy can have a short-lived affair before they reach the ground floor. They part as friends in the lobby.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Don straightens his tie and re-enters the elevator. A voice calls out, “Hold the elevator!” It’s Shelley, the stewardess that Don boinked on a trip to Baltimore.

Don and stewardess Shelley were shy with each other for the first two minutes of their relationship.

She’s visiting an exec she met on a flight to NYC. At first embarrassed when they recognize each other, they are soon embracing and smooching up a storm. Again, Don hits the emergency stop button and has another brief affair on the way up to his floor. The ever-discreet Shelley waves goodbye to Don as he heads back to his office.

His new secretary Dawn reminds Don that he has a parent-teacher conference at Sally’s school, and he runs off to catch a cab to her school.

Don’s reckless affair with Sally’s teacher Suzanne shattered her heart, but when she encounters him by chance, she drags him into a broom closet for a quick one.

As he’s walking down the school’s hallway, he sees a teacher who’s leaving for the day. Don gives her the once over and realizes it’s Suzanne Farrell, Sally’s former teacher, with whom he had an affair and whose heart he broke into a million pieces.

She moved away to avoid seeing Don again, but the moment their eyes meet, the floodgates open, and they find an empty broom closet to consummate a brief affair.

Bidding adieu to Suzanne, Don arrives back in the city, disheveled and fatigued, so he stops off at his apartment to freshen up. As he exits the shower, there is a rap on the door.

It’s Candace, the prostitute with whom he still has a standing 4:00 PM appointment for sex and slapping.

Candace the Call Girl knows what Don really likes, which is to be slapped silly.

Alarmed by her presence, he hustles her inside where she informs him that he failed to call before her 24-hour cancellation period and, willy nilly, he owes her two hundred bucks. Not wanting to waste his money, he and Candace have a brief affair. He takes another shower.

Racing back to the office, Don sees his former flame Dr. Faye Miller in the conference room, meeting with Peggy and Pete.

In happier times, Don and Faye worked, played, and laid together, but Fate, in the form of Don’s secretary (in the background) has other plans.

Faye gives Don an icy glare, but Don sees that her cushiony lower lip is all a-tremble. He waits for her in the lobby.

Amid tears and recriminations, Faye admits that she still carries a torch for Don. They hotfoot it around the corner to a bar where they have a brief affair in the women’s room stall.

Don returns to the darkened but not empty offices of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. There, he encounters Dawn sleeping on his couch, as she often does when she can’t get a cab home.

Don asks her if she’d like to have an affair with him to which she answers “Right on!” and so they go at it on his desk.

No Zoubi Zoubi Zou for you, Megan.

Ever the gentleman, Don calls them a cab, and after getting out at his apartment building, instructs the cabbie to take Dawn to her home in Harlem. Upon entering his apartment, he finds Megan wearing her infamous Zoubi Zoubi Zou dress and randier than an ocelot in heat whereupon Don bursts into tears, runs into the bedroom, pulls the sheets over his head, yells out “All of you — just leave me alone!” and falls fast asleep.

Shocking Developments Revealed in Downton Abbey’s Season Three!

With happiness finally within her grasp, Lady Mary takes a moment to consider new ways to make herself miserable.

London  |  Although currently on hiatus and its developments a closely-held secret, Downton Abbey’s much anticipated third season was discovered by this reporter, who crawled through the dumpsters outside the offices of the show’s creator and head writer Julian Fellowes to retrieve the discarded plot outlines and notes for the upcoming season.

Lady Sybil’s off in Dublin with her Irish chauffeur, so it’s up to Lady Mary — pluckily determined to make herself tragically unhappy — and her fiancé Matthew, who was safer in the trenches in France than he is hanging around Mary, to move things forward.

Matthew enjoying his solitude the morning of his horse riding accident and his transformation into a little French girl.

Sure enough, one afternoon while out riding, Mary challenges Matthew to a race, resulting in Matthew missing a jump, falling from his horse, and landing headfirst onto a startled badger.

Hysterical, Mary races back to the Abbey and enlists the help of the help to carry Matthew home. When he awakes the next morning, he believes himself to be a 12 year old French school girl named Thérèse, speaks only lisping French, eats madeleines, sips lavender tea, and wants to wear Mary’s clothes. Lord Grantham’s reaction to this terrible development is to wander alone in the library, pursing his lips, seeking solace in his fine collection of unopened leather-bound classics, and occasionally eying the new housemaid Miss Bellechose.

Dear Mr. Bates and his lovable, ever faithful Anna can never be happy or there will be very little reason to watch Downton Abbey. Season Three does not disappoint, with misery and treachery just around the corner for these two love birds!

Meanwhile, things have been looking dodgy for dear Mr. Bates, Lord Grantham’s valet, and his endearing lover Anna, the housemaid. Bates has been convicted of his wife Vera’s murder, but exculpatory evidence is discovered! Vera was in league with a chancer named Scrobbers, who confessed to a fellow cutpurse that he was the one “wot done ’er in.”

Everyone back at the Abbey is overjoyed to hear the news of dear, dear Mr. Bates’ release from Newgate Prison, and Anna goes to the train station to greet him. While standing on the platform, she is approached by a muffled figure, who smacks her on the noggin with a cosh, and packs her into a waiting lorry. Emerging from the lorry is the spit and image of Anna, but it’s her identical twin sister, the jealous and spiteful Scarlet, recruited by Lady Grantham’s scheming maid O’Brien, for no other purpose than to thwart Anna’s and Mr. Bates’s happiness yet again and to drive the fans of Downton Abbey crazy.

Drugged and bound, Anna is hustled off to Liverpool, where she carried aboard a coal steamer headed for China, among its crew some of the worst degenerates afloat. Her evil doppelganger greets dear Mr. Bates with a kiss of such depth and articulation that dear Mr. Bates wonders if there might be few things he doesn’t know about Anna.

O’Brien and Thomas continue to plot against dear Mr. Bates and poor Anna, this time kidnapping Anna and putting her aboard a steamer bound for China and substituting Anna’s vicious identical twin Scarlet to greet dear Mr. Bates upon his return.

Back at the Abbey, the conniving servant Thomas Barrow, who has been angling for the valet’s position, is bitterly disappointed by Bates’ return, but is assured by his confederate in treachery O’Brien that the evil Scarlet will soon make Mr. Bates so miserable that he will no doubt blow his brains out, allowing Thomas to move up a notch.

With a predilection for poking about in Lord Grantham’s chambers, Thomas is caught once again fondling Lord Robert’s walnut shell collection by the sonorous and stately butler, Mr. Carson. Carson informs Lord Grantham of Thomas’s perfidy. Lord Gratham immediately purses his lips and repairs to the library to sip a glass of sherry, seeking solace in his well-worn copy of The Diary of A Naughty Nun.

Branson and Lady Sybil, in the happier days of their courtship.

In Dublin, Branson the former chauffeur and now Irish revolutionary, is blown to bits when the bomb he is making goes off unexpectedly, thus rendering the husky-voiced Lady Sybil a newly-minted, delicious young widow. To assuage her grief, she throws herself into the war against the Brits, but soon tires of eating potatoes three times a day and finds Guinness to be a loathesome drink.

Contacted by one of her former beaus from her debutante season, Sybil decides to join him and boards a packet for France to become one of the Lost Generation expatriate community in Paris!

Lady Sybil learns how to do the Shimmy and the Black Bottom from none other than Josephine Baker.

In the wink of an eye, Sibbie is modeling in the nude for Picasso, trading punches with Hemingway, fending off advances from Gertrude Stein, gargling champagne with Scott and Zelda, learning the shimmy from Josephine Baker, and living the mad, gay life. News of her fallen state reaches the Abbey, causing both Lord Robert and Lady Cora to not only purse their lips but to furrow their brows. Befuddled, they retire to the library, each to consume a bottle of port.

Lady Cora and Lord Robert receive news of Lady Sybil’s hijinks in Paris, setting off an extended interlude of lip pursing, brow furrowing, and sherry sipping.

But what of Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham, waspishly played by the redoubtable Maggie Smith, whose possible absence from the series was the subject of furious speculation?

As it turns out, Ms. Smith did actually decide to walk and signed up instead for the next Harry Potter movie, a prequel that reveals how Severus Snape and Harry’s mother were secret lovers, raising questions about Harry’s true parentage.

“I’m not getting any younger,” said a feisty Ms. Smith in a recent interview, “and those damned costumes in Downton had me sweating like a horse. Plus, nothing pays like Potter movie!”

The fate of her Downton character is unknown, but rumor has it that the show’s creator Julian Fellowes was so outraged that he has decided to have Lady Violet burn to death when her gown catches fire at a soirée.

The middle daughter Lady Edith Crawley, the one who has neither the beauty nor the vivacity of her sisters and about whom we really don’t care much at all, continues to mope about the house and decides to take up topiary.

The Crawley sisters: The darkly alluring Mary (big hat), the dewy and tender Sibyl (little hat) and the other one.

The diminutive kitchen wench Daisy remains as stupid and lovable as ever and once again almost poisons the entire household with a batch of spotted dick gone wrong.

In a shocking turn of events, the doughty and wise housekeeper Mrs. Hughes absconds with all the household silverware and departs for New York City where she buys a townhouse in Greenwich Village and lives la vie bohème. When Mr. Carson informs Lord Grantham of Mrs. Hughes’s betrayal, Lord Robert purses his lips so severely that he is unable to unpurse them and has to consult a surgical specialist in London.

Supreme Being Corrects the Record About Talking to Glenn Beck

In an unprecedented interview, the Supreme Being went on record as having spoken to Glenn Beck, but that Beck willfully ignored what he was told to do. God’s immediate reaction? “Glenn makes his choices. I’ll make mine and we’ll see what happens in the bye and bye.”

Undisclosed location  |  In response to Glenn Beck’s account of his most recent conversation with God, the Supreme Being made himself available for an exclusive interview with this reporter.

Jimmy Hoffa’s whereabouts still unknown.

Archangel Michael informed me in no uncertain terms not to ask for the winning number in the upcoming Powerball drawing, nor would He take any questions regarding the whereabouts of Judge Crater or Jimmy Hoffa.

Q: Okay, let’s get started. Glenn Beck said in a recent interview that he decided to leave Fox News on the day he walked up to a floor-to-ceiling window in his New York apartment and asked his wife, “How could this possibly be God’s plan?”

“As I stood there, the Lord whispered to me, ‘If you do not leave now, you will lose your soul,’” Beck said. “It was the easiest decision I’ve ever made.”

Did you in fact say this to Beck?

A: The exact comment I made to Mr. Beck was — and I have the transcript here if you’d care to read it — was: “If you don’t jump now, you will lose your soul.”

When it was pointed out to God that Glenn Beck is famous for crying, He said, “I’m going to give him plenty to cry about.”

Q: You told him to jump? Out the window?

A: Yup. And mark you, it’s not often I speak to people. In fact, I haven’t said a word to a human being for eons — that includes George Bush, Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts, Osama Bin Laden, and all the Popes. Not one word. Ever. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Q: So you told him to jump out the window to certain death and he misheard you?

A: He chose to. Yes.

Q: I thought you have forbidden suicide.

A: Generally. But there are always exceptions. I looked at Glenn’s trip to the pavement the way you might consider turning down the volume on your car radio when a really annoying song comes on — like when an oldies station plays something by the Electric Light Orchestra or the Moody Blues. I was thinking of providing a small measure of relief by turning off Radio Glenn — forever.

Q: Why not give him a little push?

A: Doctrine of Free Will pretty much rules that out. And I’ll be the first to admit that Free Will can create a real mess. There are times when I’d like to step in and be Supreme Dictator — just to clean up some misheghas you all have made. It’s kind of like wanting a single payer healthcare system. Makes a lot of sense to have that direct kind of accountability, but Free Will takes precedence. Rules is rules.

Q: Can I read you something else Glenn Beck recently said?

A: If you must.

Q: Here it is:

“Prepare yourself. Put on the full armor of God. Because the battle is already raging and it is time for the servants of the Lord — of all faiths — to stand together and stand ready to love and do exactly what he tells us to do because, in the end, we win. We win.”

Would you care to comment on this?

A: Look, if you want to have a chance at a good life, turn Glenn off and listen to Bach or the Dixie Chicks instead, eat more vegetables and fruit, brush your teeth twice a day always using an angled rotary motion, use your turn signals properly, give to the poor and needy, and follow the Golden Rule. How’s that sound?

A fleeting reference to the Star Trek series raised the interesting question whether nor not the Supreme Being is a Trekkie.

Q: All good advice. One last question. Who’s going to win the upcoming Presidential election?

A: Remind me of today’s Stardate?

Q: 2012.

A: Spoiler alert! Obama.

Q: I caught that reference to Star Trek. Are you a Trekkie?

A: Gotta go. Live long and prosper!

Disney Institute transforms unlikely customers

Bamboozling customers one smile at a time

Disney's ever-cheerful Corky McPhee chirps, "Our studies show that here in the good ole U S of A, companies have been treating their customers like shit for years, a period that roughly coincides the proliferation of MBAs being awarded."

Orlando, Florida  |  The Disney Institutute is bringing the “Disney Way” to an unlikely group of corporations, organizations, and governments, from the Last Stop Hospice in Shitonmee, Georgia to the North Korean government.

“Here at Disney we’ve learned how to reduce every transaction into an infantile exchange of false praise and bogus happy feelings that our customers gobble up like free ice cream,” said Corky McPhee, Executive VP of Cheeriness at the Disney Institute.

“The goal of American business is to extract the maximum amount of value from each societal unit — what you call ‘people’ — in return for the minimum amount of customer service and product quality.

“And the formula worked great for 50 years! But that darned ole InterWeb wised people up to the fact that they are getting ripped off every day in every way. And that’s where we come in!” Corky burbled.

“Our job is to inject a big dose of smiling, happiness, and fun into each transaction! Targeted marketing units will still get the same crappy goods and service, but they will feel so much better about the whole thing!”

One of Disney’s most unlikely clients has been North Korea’s Kim Jong-un, the Supreme Fat-Cheeked Leader of Starving Millions.

In a rare interview, the fubsy dictator greeted reporters with an enthusiastic handshake and gave each of them a goody bag. “I gonna level with you. We getting a lot of bad feedback from our clients in prison camps. We give plenty of attention — bad food, beatings, no sleep, back breaking work, vermin, disease  — all the usual stuff, but our prisoner satisfaction ratings still in toilet.”

Transformed by the "Disney Way," King Jon-un shares a lighthearted moment with reporters upon hearing that prisoner satisfaction ratings at North Korea's extensive forced labor camps have improved 5000%.

“I said to myself, ‘Supreme Leader, how you gonna to run a country on forced labor if all your work force hate you?  So I call up Disney, they send a SWAT (Smile With All your Teeth) team, and they train up the camp commandants and guards.

“Big, big changes! Our prisoner satisfaction numbers through roof! Now our “customers” see prison as  a spa experience where they get to lose weight, tone up with plenty of fresh air and exercise, and every morning they start off singing ‘Heigh Ho, it’s off to work we go!’ What more can a Supreme Boy Leader ask for?”

“It’s made a huge difference in our business, says Agnes Dei, supervisor at the Last Stop Hospice in Georgia. “Each of dying person is greeted by an “angel” dressed like Minnie Mouse, who wears a Hawaiian shirt, plays show tunes on her ukulele, and hands the client and his family a tropical drink laced with liquid morphine. Hate to say it, but people are dyin’ to get in here ever since we Disneyed up the place!”

Disney spokesperson said, "Mitt Romney is always laughing it up, but it's the laughter
of a guy who's laughing at his own jokes - the surest sign that you're dealing with
an asshole. People like that have very low likability quotient. Flesh eating bacteria
has higher likability numbers than Mitt."

Although Ms. McPhee wouldn’t verify the report, it is widely rumored that the Romney Campaign has hired Disney to improve Mitt Romney’s likability and desirability ratings, which poll somewhere between having projectile diarrhea and a tooth extraction without anesthetic. Speaking on background, a Disney executive expressed doubts whether there was anything Disney could do for Romney. “Simply put, Mitt is an asshole but the kind of asshole who is convinced that he isn’t an asshole, so there’s no incentive for him to stop being an asshole. Our research has shows that assholes with Harvard MBAs may be immune to the Disney treatment.”

Republicans Embrace New Strategy: Whining

Republican losers Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum complained that Fox News likes Mitt Romney better than them. Both have threatened to defriend Fox News from their Facebook pages and to never ever speak to Fox News ever again — not EVER.

Washington  |  In a development that has Democrats doing happy dances through the halls of Congress, Republican crybabies Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum recently complained that Fox News is biased against them.

“I am shocked – shocked – to find out Fox News is biased!”

Most Americans were as shocked by the charge of Fox bias as Claude Rains’ character in Casablanca was to find out there was gambling at Rick’s Café.

For Republicans, the charge of bias has a long and rich history. It principally stems from their resentment of the news media accurately reporting what they say and do or asking simple questions for which the candidates have no coherent answers.

When Katie Couric asked Sarah Palin what newspaper and magazines the VP candidate read, Palin was unable to name even one. Fox News immediately characterized the interview as a “hatchet job.”

But this case, Santorum and Gingrich have complained that their former employer Fox News has taken the unthinkably biased position of promoting the only Republican who has even a ghost of a chance of giving President Obama a run for his money. Gingrich called Fox’s coverage “biased” and “distorted.” Santorum called “them shills for Romney.”

Asked to comment on the allegations, former Nixon operative and Fox News President Roger Ailes would only say, “Money talks. Bullshit walks.”

Republicans Offer Alternative Health Plan

‘Health care and law enforcement in one deficit-busting package!’ claims Paul Ryan.

Demonstrating the newest tool to aid law enforcement officers in random strip searches and pelvic exams, Rep. Paul Ryan held aloft a 16 Function, 40 horsepower Super Rabbit Vibrator during a press conference. “For those citizens wishing to add a note of pleasure to the humiliation of their strip search experience, this is the baby to do it!”

Washington  |  Smarting from criticism that they have provided no alternative to the Affordable Healthcare Act, other than emergency room treatment or a prolonged agonizing death, Republican Congressmen cobbled together a proposal that combines the worst aspects of airport passenger searches by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) and the strip searches recently authorized by the Supreme Court.

For male airline passengers, TSA agents will now be authorized to do full cavity strip search, prostate exams, and the optional prostate stimulation with this Waterproof Prostate Stimulator.

Wisconsin GOP Congressman Paul Ryan, whose budget would unashamedly enrich already wealthy plutocrats, impoverish the middle class, and abandon the poor and needy to fend for themselves, proudly announced the plan, surrounded by his fellow Tea Party pinheads and dipshits.

“We believe that the best healthcare is preventative and proactive. We are there for authorizing TSA agents and law enforcement officers from the FBI to night watchmen to conduct breast, pelvic, and prostate exams as part of their duties,” announced a beaming Ryan.

Ryan waggled the Super Rabbit Vibrator at reporters and playfully added, “Never let it be said that the Republicans don’t know how to fuck the American public!”

New York City Police Chief Raymond Kelly has instructed his agents that anyone buying Middle Eastern foods, such as these seemingly innocent containers of hummus, are probably terrorists and should be closely monitored, and if possible, strip searched.

In other law enforcement news, New York City Police Chief Raymond Kelly revealed that, in addition to extensive secret monitoring of U.S. citizens who are Muslims, his agents have also been collecting the names of anyone who purchases hummus, Syrian flatbread, tabbouleh, or falafel. Recently arrested in the upscale Boston suburb of Wellesley, Kevin O’Connor, fund manager for Fidelity Investments, complained, “I had just purchased some hummus at Whole Foods, when I was surrounded by a SWAT team and hustled out to a van in the parking lot. They stripped me and gave me a prostate exam. Other shoppers were walking past me and looking at me. It was totally humiliating. On the brighter side, the agent told me that my prostate felt enlarged and that I should have it checked. Turned out it was just a mild inflammation, so I guess I am thankful he found out.”

USA to Mitt: ‘We don’t like you!’

Romney’s unlikability ratings continue to soar

A recent poll asked voters if Mitt Romney were a food, what would he be?
98% of those responding said he’d be a mayonnaise sandwich on white bread,
a meal strongly identified with assholes. And the mayonnaise wouldn’t be Hellman’s.
It would be Miracle Whip sandwich spread.

Boston, MA  |  With the latest poll putting President Obama’s likability ratings at 56% and Mitt Romney’s at 27%, the Romney campaign embraced a tactic used successfully by the last two Bush campaigns: Ignore the facts.

Case in point is the latest statement from Romney’s press secretary:

Voters really don’t know Governor Romney yet,” said Andrea Saul, his press secretary. “These are superficial first impressions at best.”

Romney spokesperson and former Stepford wife Andrea Saul has launched a new non-reality based initiative to try to counteract Romney’s high asshole ratings.

Unfortunately for Ms. Saul, the facts tell a different story.

Romney has campaigned extensively, expensively, and non-stop from 2008 to 2012, has given countless interviews, is the subject of thousands of press reports, published a book, and had a book published about him.

The American people do know Mitt Romney and most of them have arrived at an inescapable conclusion: Mitt Romney is an unadulterated asshole.

Behind closed doors, Romney aides are trying to determine exactly what kind of asshole Mitt is and how they can turn it into a positive asset. Speaking on deep background, a Romney aide detailed the knotty problem for this reporter.

“Clinton was a philanderer, but his asshole ratings were negligible and he was elected twice. Al Gore was the geeky kind of asshole who always seems to have the right answer in class, but George Bush was a far bigger asshole.

Although male cheerleaders rate “extreme” on the asshole scale, George Bush was able to portray himself simultaneously as a sincere and pathetic asshole, thus winning over voters.

“Bush’s assholeness was the classic variety. He didn’t know what he was talking about, he was an arrogant poser, he liked to play dress up, and he was a cheerleader. His asshole ratings were through the roof; yet, he got elected twice!

“But Bush was an absolutely authentic, sincere asshole. And we determined that even though he was an asshole, Bush also engendered feelings of pity because it was clear that when Cheney, Rumsfield, and Condi Rice were in the room, he had no idea what the hell was going on. That made him look like a pathetic asshole — much like Richard Nixon, the greatest Republican asshole of them all. The American people have room in their hearts for a pathetic asshole and will vote for him!

“Unfortunately Governor Romney checks all the boxes for being a huge asshole. He’s stiffer than a sheet of particle board and about as interesting. He’s blatantly rich and hasn’t the slightest idea why this might piss some people off. He says everything with the same conviction and the same dumb ass smile, even when he’s contradicting himself. He hides behind his wife. He doesn’t philander. And you can’t have a beer with him because he doesn’t drink!

Republican strategists say that Richard Nixon still remains the gold standard of what it means to be a Republican asshole.

“Honestly, I have no idea how we’re going to close this asshole gap. At the moment, we’re considering announcing that Mitt has a critical case of toenail fungus that may require laser treatment. Even Dick Cheney’s asshole ratings went down for 4 hours when he got his heart transplant. So a well-chosen disease just might be our way out of this mess.”

In other developments, former arsonist and leading Republican asshole Senator Darrell Issa announced that efforts to Photoshop President Obama’s head onto the body of a Secret Service agent having a three-way sex, had failed.

Corporate Sponsors of Stand Your Ground Law Run for Cover

‘Shooting deaths are cutting into our profits!’ says Ronald McDonald

Tallahassee, Florida  |  A right-wing advocacy group behind the proliferation of Stand Your Ground Laws is running out of ammo.

The corporate sponsors who gave millions to the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) to thwart taxes on sugar-laced drinks and junk food are suddenly in the spotlight for promoting the law that has  tripled the number of “justifiable homicides” in Florida.

A McDonald’s source dressed as spokesclown Ronald revealed that the Stand Your Ground Law in Florida was responsible for so many homicides that it was “killing off business, so to speak.”

But the barrage of bad publicity is far from the actual reason McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Mars, Kraft Foods, Coca-Cola, and PepsiCo are abandoning ALEC.

“You didn’t hear this from me,” said spokesclown Ronald McDonald, “but we looked at our demographics, our slumping sales, and the soaring homicide rate. The answer was as plain as the red nose on my face. Our customers are killing each other.

“Not only are they dying like flies, but our customer base is spending more of their discretionary entertainment dollars on handguns, travel to gun shows, lifetime NRA memberships, ammo, DVDs of hot girls shooting big guns, and funerals. Murder is taking a big bite out of our profits!”

National Rifle Association official J. Fred Muggs grew incensed when asked for comment on this article, warned the reporter that he was feeling very, very threatened, and was considering killing him.

When this reporter approached NRA spokesman J. Fred Muggs for comment, he replied, “You’re one of those drive-by media types, aren’t you? You know what? I’m feeling a little bit threatened by you — no, in fact, I’m feeling a whole lot threatened by you, bub!” As Muggs drew his sidearm, I ran to my car and locked the doors.

“I’m still feeling threatened!” shouted Muggs as I drove off. “And I won’t stop feeling threatened until you cross the state line!”

Why I Love Spam

Were it not for spam, there would be far fewer visitors to this blog.

A typical spammer in repose.

As a thank you to the touchingly tongue-tied morons out there in Ukraine, Nigeria, China, South Carolina, Germany, Idaho, Russia, and New Hampshire, here are some individual responses to their messages. The spam has been shortened, but is otherwise unedited to preserve its freshness.

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There seems to have been one serious side effect: You are a blithering idiot.

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Thank yuor girl friend for me and have her send photos!

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Indeed — what does any of it mean?

Restaurant Review: Five Guys Burgers and Fries


The Five Guys restaurant chain encourages their self-described fanatics to send in photos of them wrangling one of their burgers into submission.

What could be more American than a hamburger, French fries, and a great big drink to wash down the whole mess? Nothing, that’s what!

Five Guys Burgers zeroes in on this most iconic of meals and delivers the goods with the stopping power of a 12-gauge shotgun blast. This restaurant chain is said to have a cult-like following and over 900 U.S. locations. How could I resist finding out what all the fuss is about?

The Food

The menu is simple and centers around burgers and fries with a nod towards international cuisine (the hot dog). There are other offerings, but a grilled cheese or a veggie sandwich is not the reason to go to Five Guys, for Christ’s sake, and if you do, you are an idiot.

The simple bacon cheeseburger at Five Guys is not so simple. Au contraire! It consists of a two patties (!), enrobed with their attendant cheese slices (American) and bacony-looking flotsam, along with as many of the free toppings as they can slop on. The result is a burger that hits the scales at 1000 calories with sodium content of 1300 milligrams (the maximum recommended daily is 2300). Ooooh mama!

Your French fries and cheeseburger at Five Guys will look something like this. Even before you open it, your brown bag will already be sporting authentic grease stains and the burger, due to some rough handling during the topping assembly process will be misshapen. Bon Appetit!

Teamed up with a large fries (1500 calories, 300 mg sodium) that is generous enough to sustain a Somali refugee camp for a week, and in a 24 ounce Coke (300 calories, 80 mg sodium) and you have hit a jackpot of 2800 calories, 1680 mg sodium, and Christ only knows what all else.

After cooking, your burger food sits around while an unhealthy-looking teenager figures out which order has how many of the 16 toppings, so your formerly hot burger is lukewarm by the time you take your first bite. The whole thing is wrapped up in aluminum foil in such a way that, when you unwrap it, it looks fatigued and dejected, like a cheeseburger experiment gone horribly wrong from the movie The Fly.

I almost forgot to mention how the food tasted. On second thought, no reason to mention it at all.

Ambience & décor

The décor is mélange of decorating styles:  Midwestern slaughterhouse (walls covered in easy-to-rinse white and blood-red tiles), downtown bus station men’s room (tiled walls, unwholesome fluorescent lighting), and an industrial loading dock (40 pound bags of potatoes forming the aisle that shuttles you to the order counter).

The decor provides a post-modern mash up of styles.

The chairs and tables are simple, sturdy, and uncomfortably designed with your speedy departure in mind— not unlike what you might expect to find in the visiting room at your local penitentiary. Each tabletop is haunted by ghostly presence of recent patrons, with impressionistic smears of grease and ketchup punctuated by the odd pickle or a gobbet of rejected gristle.

The highlight of your evening will be when your number is called and you advance to the counter to pick up your bag o’ food. All orders — take out or eat in — are delivered in a signature kraft brown paper bag, with the overflowing order of fries already staining the bag dark with honest grease, a defiant proclamation of our exceptional American values.

The help

Despite the gaggle of teens milling about, none of them is there to deliver your food to your table or clean off debris left by previous diners. The motto at Five Guys is: You want it? Come get it and clean the fuck up up when you leave!

In keeping with the fast food tradition of turning customers into both waiters and janitors, there are no servers at Five Guys, but only teenagers who take your order, teenagers who cook your food, teenagers who bellow out the number of your order, and teenagers whose purpose seems to be anything except being of service to customers. A large waste can is provided for you to clean up after you have choked down your meal. Apparently any cleaning is done after closing when they can hose down the whole place.

The Customers

The slogans on the walls of Five Guys promise a “fun” experience. Yet, I didn’t see anyone who actually seemed to be having fun.

I saw lot of people having trouble fitting their food into their mouths. Some were wrapping up the uneaten portions of their meals with an expression of stuffed dismay. Many of my fellow diners looked as though this meal was the end of a 12 to 14 hour working day, and they were looking for something approaching relief or some small satisfaction. Boy oh boy, were they in the wrong place!

One or two looked as though they might be trying to commit suicide by food. Okay, yes, there were some soon-to-be obese teens who looked as though they might be having fun or at least relieving the food craving that follows getting very, very high.


Two double-pattied cheeseburgers, two small drinks, and a “small” order of fries cost just over $20. I honestly can’t decide if this is a good value or not.

To the extent that you think that you will derive something approaching enjoyment from dumping more calories than you need in one day in just one meal alone, then Five Guys is the perfect place for you.

If you have high blood pressure, incipient diabetes, or are morbidly obese and want to die as quickly and painfully as possibly, this is also the place for you. If you simply want an unhealthy meal, served in an institutional environment, save $10 and go to McDonald’s.

Better yet, for real fun and a touch of honest oblivion, buy a bag of Cheetos and a six quarts of malt liquor and stay home and watch The Dirty Dozen.

Nine Year Old Boy Shoots 3 in Florida

Ruled as justifiable under Stand Your Ground Law

Dimwit, Florida  |  A nine year old boy toting one of his father’s handguns shot and wounded three people today. Local police investigating the shootings have ruled all three shootings as justifiable.

The 9 year old shooter, seen here with his back up weapon, will only be charged with not having a proper carry permit.

Said Dimwit Police Chief Lamar Butkis, “Hey, in all three cases he was being threatened with bodily harm by adults three times his size. Under the law, he is permitted to stand his ground and shoot. Dang good little shot, too!”

The first shooting occurred outside a convenience store before school started. The child shooter along with friends was hanging out in front of the store and blocking the entrance. The storeowner ran outside to shoo them away but the boy wouldn’t move.

“I took a step towards him and told him someone should tan his hide. The next thing you know, he took out a gun and shot me in the leg,” said Vijay Singh, owner of the local Piggly Wiggly. “He is a little monster person!”

National Rifle Association President and Chief Bull Goose Looney defended the nine year old shooter. "He felt threatened, he was armed, and he shot some people. So what? Next question!" said a defiant LaPierre at a press conference.

The second shooting occurred outside the school. The boy in question was playing around the bus drop off area.

Fifth grade teacher Shirley McGillicuddy approached the child and told him to get out of the way or she’d move him out of the way.

“He said ‘You and what army?’ I took a step towards him and he pulled out his gun and shot me in the shoulder,” said Ms. McGillicuddy. “It’s only a flesh wound but still.”

The last shooting occurred at the boy’s home when a neighbor saw him reloading the handgun on his front step.

“I approached the child and asked him if his parents were home. He told me to get off his front lawn. When I approached the front door, the little bugger shot me,” said Doris Derby, a retired sales clerk and grandmother of four. “Luckily the bullet ricocheted off my Medic Alert monitor. I just don’t think it’s right for a nine year old to go around shooting people.”

The nine year old is a cum laude graduate of the the NRA's Young Shooters in Christ Junior Sniper and Assassin Program.

The police arrived and after some negotiations, the boy surrendered the gun. Although the investigating officer determined that shootings were justifiable under Florida’s Stand Your Ground Law, he was still going to charge the child with not having a proper permit for the gun.

NRA President Wayne LaPierre announced that the NRA would provide legal counsel for the boy. “First of all, the people he shot should be glad that he took the NRA’s Young Shooters in Christ Junior Sniper and Assassin Program. He’s a good boy and a helluva shot!”

Romney Proud of His Lack of Authenticity

‘Inauthenticity is a core Republican value!’ avows Mitt.

Lexington, MA  |  Having finally eliminated his chief rival for the Republican nomination, a triumphant Mitt Romney found himself in the most dangerous moment of his quest to become president.

He was feeling expansive and he was near a microphone, two conditions that his handlers recognize as fraught with danger.

Romney did not disappoint.

Mitt Romney cited George W. Bush and Ron Reagan as pinnacles of inauthenticity who were both elected to two presidential terms. "You want to be an also-ran? All you have to do is be authentic - an authentic loser!" said Romney.

“I don’t know why you guys go on and on about me being so inauthentic,” Romney declared, although no one had brought up the subject. “Inauthenticity, and for that matter, duplicity, is a core Republican belief and, believe you me, it works!

“For Gosh sake! Look at George W. Bush playing I’m-a-big-tough-pilot on an aircraft carrier. And there’s The Great Communicator who confused his movies with real life! You call that authentic? Didn’t make any difference — two terms for those jamokes!

“You want duplicity? Look at Ford pardoning Nixon. Nixon and Agnew were both crooks and liars. Then Nixon picks Ford to be his Vice, Nixon resigns, Ford becomes President, Ford pardons Nixon, and Ford says there was no deal. Heck, no one believed him but he did it anyway! That’s Republicanism at its best!”

Candidate Romney has criticized President Obama for playing golf, just like Ford, Bush, and Reagan did. "It's far more inauthentic of me to criticize Obama for playing golf when Ann and I go riding on our $40,000 horses!" exclaimed Romney.

Mitt Romney sees horse ownership as an emblem of his inauthenticity. "As Ann said, we don't think of ourselves as wealthy. How much more inauthentic can we be?"

A flabbergasted reporter had the presence of mind to ask Romney about his criticism of President Obama for playing golf when every Republican president going back to Taft had spent many happy hours on the links.

“The only reason Obama plays golf is because he isn’t rich enough to ride horses like Ann and I do. It’s shows a pathetic lack of wealth on his part!”

Sen. Scott Brown’s Barn Jacket Defects to Democrats

‘If he’s working class, I’m a tuxedo,’ declares indignant jacket.

Fed up with GOP Senator Scott Brown’s support for big oil and tax breaks for the insanely rich, his barn jacket made its dramatic announcement today that it is supporting Democratic challenger Elizabeth Warren for the U.S. Senate. “I may only be a barn jacket, but I’ve got more to say than that pretty boy does!” exclaimed the jacket at a Warren event.

Boston, MA  |  With Democratic challenger Elizabeth Warren besting him in fundraising and in the most recent electoral polls, pretty boy Republican Senator Scott Brown had enough to worry about.

But in a shocking new development, Brown’s iconic barn jacket, which he wore during his first campaign to give him an every-day-kinda-guy image, has announced that it is now campaigning for Brown’s rival.

“Let me set the record straight. I’m a working class article of clothing. You’ll see me on construction sites, doing landscaping, and driving big rigs. Where you won’t see me is hanging out with the billionaire Koch brothers and with asshole millionaires who pay 15% taxes on their income. So I am now officially supporting Elizabeth Warren for the U.S. Senate!”

Scott Brown’s barn jacket is seen here driving Brown’s pick up truck to a recent Warren rally.

Senator Brown was unavailable for comment on this article, but sources close to the Senator confirmed that he was deeply hurt by his barn jacket’s decision. Speaking on background, an aide said, “Senator Brown understands that unionized garment workers brought undue pressure to bear on his barn jacket. This is just another reason why the Senator will work tirelessly to help his fellow Republicans’ destroy any vestige of union influence in the U.S.”

In other developments, Republicans have seized on new revelations regarding the sinking of the Titanic as proof that President Obama was responsible for the ship’s loss as well as being the instigator of the 1919 Spanish Flu Epidemic, the Great Depression, the attack on Pearl Harbor, and Kim Kardashian’s divorce.

Newsy Bits of the World!

Rick Perry Making Good On Race to the Bottom

Promises to make Texas children the ‘stupidest in the nation!’

Stung by their inability to capture the title of "Stupidest State in the Nation," Texas legislators have gutted the state's eduction budget, fired thousands of teachers, and mandated a new faith-based mathematics program.

Dim Bulb, Texas  |  Making good on their promise to spread the seeds of ignorance, the Republican-dominated Texas state legislature cut $5.4 billion from the education budget and eliminated over 10,000 teaching positions.

Governor Perry ponders the riddle, Where was Moses when the lights went out?

Governor Perry was characteristically unrepentant. “Hey, I’m dumber than a sack of doorknobs, and I’m governor of a big important state and pretty damned rich too. Those kids need to toughen up and go out and get a job. I hear they’re hiring in Massachusetts.”

With the U.S. raking 25th among 34 countries in science and math education, seen by many as the key to the economic future, Texas is currently rated only  “below average.” Said outraged legislator Bubba Suggs, “We can’t let West Virginia, Mississippi, South Carolina, and Louisiana beat us! We have the tools to be the stupidest in the nation and I won’t rest until we are!”

To close the stupidity gap, Texas legislators are scrapping the current math and science curriculum and replacing it with not-so-intelligent design and faith-based math.

Catholic Cardinal Wants Gov’t Out of Religion

Wants to get law enforcement off the Church’s back as well

Sipping an expensive cabernet sauvignon, a well-fed Cardinal Dolan presides over a hearty meal of gruel for the poor at the New York Archdiocesan suite at the Plaza Hotel.

New York City  |  Archbishop of New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan spoke out on the imaginary contraception controversy created by Republicans to sway more Catholics to vote for GOP candidates.

“We have decided that to preserve the crass commercialism, profound dearth of righteousness, decades of worldwide sexual depravity, non-stop cover ups, resistance to lawful accountability, and utter lack of moral authority of the Catholic Church, there is only one political affiliation that shares our devotion to ignorance, stupidity, lawlessness, and corruption: the Republican Party!

“Our problem is the government is intruding into the–into the life of faith and in–in the Church that they shouldn’t be. Keep your condoms off of our Catholic penises!”

When queried by what authority a bunch of celibate corrupt old men have to dictate the behavior of men and women, the Cardinal took a hearty swing of sacramental wine and said, “Let me tell you something, sonny boy. If we get Santorum elected in 2016, asking smart ass questions like that will be a jailable offense, complete with a full cavity strip search!”

Who wants to be Mitt’s VP? No one!

‘It’s like he has cooties or something,’ says aide.

Does Mitt have cooties?

Numbnuts, PA  |  It’s a growing embarrassment for the Romney campaign.

No one wants to be Mitt’s Vice President.

Tea Party darlings Representative Marco Rubio of Florida and Governor Nikki Haley of South Carolina, Minnesota’s leading shy person Governor Tim Pawlenty, and New Mexico’s Governor Susana Martinez have all categorically stated they want nothing to do with the VP slot.

“I can make a hell of a lot more money off the Koch brothers than I’ll ever make as VP,” averred Rubio in a candid moment.

Marc Rubio (left) was stricken with intense nausea upon hearing that Romney wanted
him to join the GOP ticket as VP. When Romney offered Nikki Haley (right) the
position at a recent rally, she claimed she had a headache that would probably
last until next October and therefore couldn’t in good faith fill the VP slot.

Governor Halley said she had a headache that prevented her from running. “The last thing I need is some investigative reporter from the Washington Post, who wants to be the next Woodward Bernstein, climbing all over my ass! Forget it!” she was quoted as saying by aide Susanne Freberg, who wished to remain nameless.

The Romney campaign had already written off Pawlenty. “Just what I need for a VP — Stuart Smalley,” said Romney referring to the self-esteem deprived Saturday Night Live character.

Governor Martinez was equally blunt. “Oh yeah, I should team up with the guy who said Mexicans should voluntarily deport themselves. See ya Mitt! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!”

Although Mitt has a long history of being rejected for being a complete twat, even he has been dismayed at his inability to find anyone who likes him who isn’t already being paid to do so.

So far homeless person Lars Marsupial of Venice, CA is the only other person to have shown an interest in being Romney’s running mate. “Frankly, the offer of free underwear sealed the deal for me,” said an insouciant Lars as he panhandled passers-by.

This reporter accompanied a Romney aide who went to Herman Cain’s home and knocked repeatedly on the door, only to hear Cain growl, “No! No! No!”

“I’d love to be VP again! Who doesn’t love a war?” said Cheney.

The Romney campaign is currently considering offering a new Lexus, a 22-room mansion in an exclusive all-white gated community in Florida, a new top of the line Winnebago, a year’s free supply of Mormon underwear to anyone who would be his running mate. So far only a homeless man named Lars Marsupial from Venice, California and Dick Cheney have showed interest in the offer.

“Hell, I’d do it for nothing,” Cheney is reported to have groaned. “I’d have us in a war with Syria, Iran, and France before that twit changes the curtains in the Oval Office.”

Romney Embraces Enduring GOP Core Family Value — Racism

In today's speech, Mitt Romney committed himself to the time-honored Republican value of racism. Citing his Mormon background as qualifying him as a racist, his children ( "Not one of them is black!"), and his friends ("Rich, white, and why shouldn't we be?"), Romney hopes to assume to mantle of Republican racist. "It's the one thing the Democrats haven't stolen from us!" he exclaimed on his way to a NASCAR owner's meeting.

Washington  |  With polls showing his popularity plummeting with women, people who mistrust the Mormon religion, people who can count to twenty without moving their lips, and people who are generally opposed to electing blatantly insincere assholes to public office, Mitt Romney has made an appeal to the most enduring, heartfelt, deep-seated, and reliable Republican family value of all: racism.

Bouncing onto the podium at a combined convention of the Daughters of the Confederacy, the National Rifle Association, James Dobson’s recently renamed Focus on the White Family, and the Christian Coalition for Scared White People, and Republicans for a Return to Medieval Values, Romney gave a rousing speech that was filled with “code words” meant for his audience.

Romney challenged the crowd, "If you can find a photo of me with a person of color, I'll give you $10,000!"

“We have before us a black and white choice,” said an energized Romney at the end of his speech. “We can continue stumbling through the dark, dingy corridors of unemployment and handouts to blah people. And we can continue letting the Democrat boogeymen scare us with their talk of class warfare. But I say, ‘Let’s call a spade a spade.’ I say, ‘Let’s buck the trend of negativism.’ The American people have had enough! The jig is up!”

Leaving the stage to the sounds of thunderous applause and enthusiastic handgun owners firing their weapons into the air, Romney shook hands with well-wishers and VIPs. Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader and implacable foe of compromise, reason, and rationality, quipped, “They won’t call it the White House for nuthin’ when Mitt gets elected.”

Romney Shocker! Mitt Models His Mormon Undies!

Mitt Romney defied critics today and wore his Mormon "temple garments" outside his suit to demonstrate his commitment to his religion.

Eau De Cologne, Wisconsin  |  In what some applauded as a bold move and others derided as political suicide, Mitt Romney appeared at a speech today wearing what Mormons refer to as “temple garments” and the less charitable refer to as magic underwear on the outside of his business suit.

To the shocked crowd of supporters and reporters, Romney was forceful in his defense of the garments. “Look, that nitwit Santorum has been wearing his Catholicism on his sleeve for his entire campaign. I got up this morning and said two can play that game! I am no longer going to run away from the fact that I am member of one of the severely strange religions in the U.S.”

According to the Church of Latter Day Saints, the temple garments provide protection against temptation and evil, are an outward expression of inward commitment, and stand firmly for the right — in Mitt’s’s case, the far right. The garments are to be worn night and day throughout one’s life, but are not meant to be displayed to non-Mormons. Nevertheless, Romney wore his proudly and was adamant in his defense of the odd looking get up.

Madame Pamplemousse remembers a handsome young "Meet," as she called him, but was unable to stop laughing when she saw him in his skivvies. "Ze moment romantique was perdu!"

“It’s a sign of my commitment that I wear this outfit. And it has protected me from temptation. When I lived in France I was tempted to sin but my underwear protected me. So it works!”

The woman in question on that fateful summer night, Monique de Pamplemousse, was recently contacted by this reporter. Her memory of the encounter is slightly different.

“Meet, he was tres cute, and we were going to make love, but when I see ees under clothing, I had to run from ze room, I am so much laughing!”

The Mitt Romney Jokebook!

The Funny Parade

When my father George was an executive at American Motors, he shut down a factory in Michigan and moved the work to Wisconsin.

Mitt Romney likes nothing better than a good joke, especially if it's about poor people, people he gets to fire, people who just lost their jobs, or people who show up at an emergency room who have no insurance.

Now get this! A few years later he decides to run for governor of Michigan, and he has this campaign parade, but the school marching band only knows how to play Wisconsin’s fight song, not Michigan’s.

So the band’s playing ‘On Wisconsin, On Wisconsin,’and my dad’s political people were jumping up and down and trying to get them to stop, because they didn’t want all the unemployed people in Michigan to be reminded that my dad had moved production to Wisconsin!

Dying With Laughter

A middle-aged guy has a heart attack and his wife drives him to an emergency room.

The doctor says, “Do you have health insurance?”

The guy says he’s never been sick and never needed health insurance, but he’ll buy it now that’s he’s sick.

And the doctor says, “Hey pal, we can’t play the game like that. You’ve got to get insurance when you’re well, and if you get ill, then you’re going to be covered. But we can’t have everyone saying, `I’m going to sit back until I get sick and then go buy insurance.’”

And the doctor gives the guy a couple of aspirin and says, “Call me in the morning — if you’re still alive!”

What? Me Wealthy?

So Ann Romney is married to this guy Mitt who’s worth $250 million and she’s being interviewed on TV and she looks right in to the camera and says, “I don’t even consider myself wealthy.”

And there’s this guy sitting in a bar watching her on TV and he’s been out of work for a year and he says, “Well, Ann, I sure as shit consider myself poor! It’s easy to figure out — just look at your fuckin’ bank account!”

Job Hunting Clinic: Your Elevator Pitch

Okay, job seeker. You’ve read What Color is Your Parachute? and done all those dispiriting exercises, you’ve LinkedIn with 600 people you barely know, you’re Facebooking and Tweeting about improving efficiency and maximizing search engine optimization and all that other crap, but you have not prepared what will be the single most important weapon in your job search arsenal.

That weapon is Your Elevator Pitch!

Remember! Dress a little more formally than you ordinarily would. We recommend wearing a necktie to show you're serious and to add some pizzazz!

You’ve done your homework. You found the perfect job that fits your skills and experience like a glove. You applied for the job. Of course you’ve heard nothing back from the company! You’ve determined who the hiring manager is,  found out where he lives, watched him as he leaves for work in the morning, observed that his wife drives a better car than he does, followed him to work, and learned that on Thursdays, he leaves the building to eat lunch at a nearby deli. The stage is set for you to strike!

The moment the elevator begins to move, hit that Emergency Stop button and stand in front of it!

As he returns from lunch, you wait until he enters the elevator, you get in with him, hit the Close Door button before anyone else can get in, ascend five floors, hit the Emergency Stop button, and unleash your Elevator Pitch!

“Mr. X, allow me to introduce myself. My name is (your name here) and I recently applied for the position of Assistant Marketing Manager, which reports to you. Have you by chance received my resume from Human Resources?

“No? Well, if those assholes were doing their jobs, they would have shredded all the other applications because not one of them is as uniquely qualified as I am for this position.

“Why, you ask? No, please don’t reach for the Emergency button until I’ve finished. I assure you this will only take a minute if you cooperate.

Don't let your disappointment and anger from so many months of fruitless job hunting show up in your presentation! Stay enthusiastic and positive!

“I have the exact qualifications for this job. In fact, in my previous position, I was two steps above you on the corporate ladder and had people like you reporting to me! So I ask you, with that being the case, how could I not be able to do this assistant position?

“That was a question, Mr. X, and it deserves an answer. Do you really think I’m unqualified in any conceivable way to do a job that I did ten years ago and from which I was rapidly promoted? Well, do you?

“That’s right. In fact, I’m qualified to do your job, and my guess is, looking at the recent numbers for your company, I could do your job a hell of a lot better than you are.

“Am I almost done, you ask? Why? Am I boring you? Aren’t you interested in getting the best possible candidate for this position? Don’t tell me you’re going to drag out that you’re-over-qualified bullshit so you can hire some young dipstick with two years of experience and pay him less than you’d pay someone who can actually do the job efficiently from the get go? Is that what you’re trying to say?

Make sure you've done your research on the company and you are up-to-date on their projected revenues!

“I don’t really care if you have a meeting now. If I were you, I’d think getting the right person for this position should be pretty goddamned important, don’t you? Maybe if you were better at hiring the right people, you’d be driving a new Lexus SUV LX like your wife and not the 2002 3-series BMW you’re driving.

“Never mind how I know. I’m going to you ask you some very important questions and I want you to think about the answers before you speak. Are you ready?

“Do you want to be a success? Yes, of course you do.

“Look at me, Mr. X. I mean it, look at me. Do you know who you’re looking at? Do you?

“That’s right — I amgoing to tell you. You’re looking at the person who will do anything — anything — to help you succeed. You tell me where you want to be in three years and I assure you, I will clear your path to that Vice Presidency like a flamethrower. I am your Seal Team Six! Point me at your problems and I will liquidate them!

A word to the wise: If you look like Charlize Theron, you're going to get the job, whatever it is, so don't overdo your pitch. If you look like a gargoyle from outer space, like Lisbeth Salander, you're not going to get the job unless your interviewing to be a bouncer at a BDSM club.

“Don’t you want someone like me on your team? Of course, you do. Have I persuaded you to give close consideration to my candidacy for this position?

If you see that your potential boss is not paying attention to your elevator pitch, you can always jokingly suggest to him (or her) that you are armed and wouldn't hesitate to pop a cap in his gourd, so he'd better listen up.

“Why thank you! I’m glad to see I’ve made such a favorable first impression on you!

“I see that I have run a little over my allotted minute. Here’s a copy of my resume. You’re going to the 12th floor, is that correct? With me on your team, you’ll be up on the 20th floor in no time at all.

“Thank you, Mr. X. I look forward to our next meeting!”

Full Exchange Between Obama and Medvedev Revealed!

Seoul, Korea  |  President Obama’s inadvertently recorded exchange with Russian President Medvedev that caused a firestorm of whining among Republicans turns out to be only a small portion of the extended conversation that took place. As the technician fumbled with the volume controls, the full exchange was still recorded as part of the nuclear nonproliferation conference.

At this point in their conversation, Medvedev recounted Vladimir Putin’s habit of
getting stone drunk on 151 proof vodka and then challenging subordinates to
hit him in the stomach as hard as they can.

This reporter obtained a copy of the transcript of the two leader’s complete conversation. The portion that was overheard is italicized.

Obama: On all these issues, but particularly missile defense, this, this can be solved but it’s important for him to give me space.

Medvedev: Yeah, I understand. I understand your message about space. Space for you. You want us to give you outer space. Vlad is going to be mad pissed!

Obama: No, Dimitry, not outer space. Space like, breathing room, room to maneuver. This is my last election. After my election I have more flexibility.

Medvedev: I understand. I will transmit this information to Vladimir.

Obama: How’s that whole job switch thing working for you and Putin?

Medvedev: Like I have choice with Vlad? The guy’s stone KGB. He says, ‘You switch jobs with me or go for midnight dip in Volga. Your choice, dickwad.’

In a light hearted moment at a recent conference, Vladimir Putin, having just consumed a fifth of vodka, playfully threatened to punch President Medvedev’s lights out.

Obama: He called you a dickwad?

Medvedev: Don’t get me started! A couple of weeks ago at his dacha after he is drinking usual 10 vodkas, he takes off shirt and says to punch him in the stomach as hard as I can.

Obama: No way!

Medvedev: Word, bro!

Obama: What’d you do?

Medvedev: I punched motherfucker hard.

Obama: And?

Medvedev: He double over. Then he say, ‘Now I punch you.’

Obama: Uh oh!

Medvedev: I am thinking, ‘Fuck me.’ He did this to guy in Politburo last year and guy was bleeding out of ass for month. I had to let him punch me.

Last year a clearly irritated Vladimir Putin jokingly suggested that should Medvedev not switch positions with him, he would rip out Medvedev’s heart and tear it into little pieces.

Obama: No alternative?

Medvedev: Yes, alternative. Midnight dip in Volga.

Obama: What happened next?

Medvedev: The fucker punched me. When I wake, I have no spleen. Doctors take it.

Obama: Ouch!

Medvedev: Yeah, ouch. I am telling you, if dealing with Sanitarium and Romney is the worst part of day, you are lucky man.

Obama: Hey, man, time to go. Take it easy. Our best to Svetlana.

Medvedev: TTYS, man.

Etch A Sketch Comment Sets off Toy War

The versatility of the Etch A Sketch as a metaphor for the Romney campaign has
been challenged by other toy manufacturers who maintain that Romney's flip flops,
confusing positions, opaque statements, and economical use of the truth are better
represented by their products.

Lexington, MA  |  When Romney advisor Eric Fehrnstrom commented that Romney’s campaign record was like an Etch A Sketch because all the idiotic things Romney has said and done so far can be wiped clean and a new record can be etched for the general election, he had no idea that this comment would set off an increasingly vicious toy war.

Hasbro maintains that its Changeable Silly Putty is a far more apt metaphor for the Romney Campaign because you can stretch it, adapt it to any shape, and in this case, watch it change colors.

Senior VP of Marketing Martin Killgallon at the Ohio Art Company said the metaphor is an apt one. “Just look at what you can do with our product! Einstein one minute, George Harrison the next! Who knows what new positions Mitt will etch?”

Skyrocketing Etch A Sketch sales have thrown gasoline on an already simmering jealousy among other manufacturers that make transmutable toys.

During a hastily called press conference, the CEO of Crayola, maker of Silly Putty, called the Etch A Sketch claim “a bunch of baloney.”

“Not only is Silly Putty the original toy that adapts its shape to literally anything — just like Romney’s policies — but we now have Changeable Silly Putty that changes color in your hand! If that isn’t Mitt Romney to a T, I don’t know what is!”

The Archie McPhee Company, long-time purveyors of useless crap, joined the fray, pointing out that their bendable figures are a far more apt metaphor for Mitt Romney’s candidacy.

“Mitt twists his positions and makes these painfully tortured explanations. If that isn’t just like our fully bendable Mr. Bacon figure, what is, I ask you?” said a McPhee spokesperson, who was wearing McPhee’s new inflatable unicorn horn and a pair of giant underpants.

Not to be outdone, Brian Goldner, President and CEO of Hasbro, called a press conference outside Romney for President Headquarters in Lexington, MA.

“I am here to set the record straight once and for all. Mitt Romney is PLAY-DOH!

Hasbro's assertion that Romney's campaign is more like PLAY-DOH is gaining
traction with Washington insiders. "You can squish, mash, or twist it into any
shape you want, just like everything Mitt has ever said," opined Charles Krauthammer.

“He always has been PLAY-DOH. Unlike bendable toys, or Etch A Sketches, or any of that crap that McPhee sells, you can make anything out of our product, take it apart, mash it up, and make something else — that’s as long as you don’t bake it — and here again, you see the resemblance because most of Romney’s ideas aren’t baked at all!”

North Korea Says Any Criticism Is Cause for Instant War

Kim Jong-un, the chipmunk-cheeked, 28 year old, absolute dictator of North Korea, threatened
“to unleash a torrential deluge of merciless annihilation and an unending fiery shit storm
of colossal proportions” on any person or nation that says something that hurts
his feelings or does something that annoys him.

Pyongyang, North Korea  |  The absolute leader of North Korea, known affectionately as “Illustrious General,” “Great Successor,” or “Fat Cheeked Boy Toad” by his loving countrymen, declared that any criticism of his country’s insane pursuit of nuclear weapons would be considered a “declaration of war.”

In addition, the “Lard Ass Who Rules Over Starving Millions,” as he is sometimes called, issued a list of demands to the attendees of the upcoming Nuclear Security Summit. Refusal to meet any of the demands “will be cause for a nuclear rain of endless death upon the United States, South Korea, Europe, and in particular, Rush Limbaugh and Megyn Kelley of Fox News” although in a later statement, Kim Jong-un removed Kelly’s name from the list for nuclear annihilation because, as he stated, “I’d totally do her.”

Aryan race poster girl and Foxy News anchor vixen Megyn Kelly, seen here getting her sexy on for GQ Magazine, is apparently on the Great Successor’s list of women he’d spare from fiery nuclear death because “she is among the top 3 women I’d most like to kidnap.”

Kim Jong-un’s non-negotiable demands include:

No one may make any reference the chubbiness, drab wardrobe, diminutive height, or sexual prowess of the Great Successor.

Mad Men or Downton Abbey cannot go on hiatus any longer than 3 months.

Tim Tebow has to replace Mark Sanchez as the starting quarterback for the New York Jets.

The North Korean soccer team must be allowed to win the 2014 World’s Cup.

Angelina Jolie has to adopt 5,000 North Korean children.

The McRib Sandwich must be available year round.

Export Kim Kardashian immediately to Pyongyang.

There can be no embargos on importing pornographic DVDs, Cheetos, or Starbucks Frappaccino’s for the Great Successor’s enjoyment.

In an even more alarming development, the U.S. State Department confirmed the rumor that Kim Jong-un had hired Karl Rove as an adviser and that Rove’s PAC in return is now in possession of multiple nuclear weapons.

Santorum to Enroll in Remedial English Class

‘I am determined to make English my primary language,’ says Rick.

Santorum playfully acknowledged his propensity for "meter la pata" (translation:
putting his foot in his mouth) by shoving a sneaker in his "boca" (mouth) and giving
a speech that was more unintelligible than usual.

San Juan, Puerto Rico  |  GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum’s spokespeople are scrambling to explain exactly what Santorum meant when he said that speaking English was a requirement for Puerto Rican statehood and that Puerto Ricans had to learn English as their primary language when, in fact, there are no such requirements for statehood nor does the U.S. Constitution mandate English as the official language.

Profession Irwin Corey, widely acknowledged as "The World's Foremost Authority" and master of double talk, is rumored to be the new speechwriter and adviser to the Santorum Campaign.

Santorum’s misstatements, particularly about minority groups, continue to backfire. Earlier in his campaign he suggested that he didn’t want to give black people money but jobs. He later said that he didn’t say “black people” but “blah people.”

This reporter tried to contact the National Association for the Advancement of Blah People but discovered there is no such thing, leaving the exact meaning of Santorum’s disclaimer in doubt.

The Santorum campaign has hired a recently laid off English As A Second Language teacher from Wisconsin to help him learn to how to speak vaguely with more precision.

When it was discovered that Prof. Irwin Corey, master of double talk, had been hired as a speechwriter, the spokesperson abruptly ended the phone call saying, “I think I have made myself perfectly inconspicuous and need comment no furtherer.”

From C-Block to C-Suite: 5 Shortcuts to ‘Integritation” or The New Integrity

Wall Street Journal Book Review

Dick Daniel’s journey from perp to prophet

Former corporate hatchetman, Dick "Meathook" Daniels is now the apostle of what he calls the New Integrity or Integritation. It has the look and feel of real integrity with none of its unpleasant side effects.

New York City  | With Greg Smith’s scathing indictment of Goldman Sachs’s integrity-lite culture still echoing through the canyons of commerce, Dick Daniel’s new book detailing his resurrection from reviled corporate felon to admired prophet of Integritation arrives just in time for corporations seeking to rebrand themselves as bastions of integrity or, as Daniels counsels, “integritation.”

In his previous incarnation, Dick “Meathook” Daniels was known as a merciless corporate raider who bought companies, laid off employees and replaced them with his teams of Daniel’s Destroyers, selected from the best business schools and trained to cut costs by not paying vendors, selling over-priced defective products manufactured by Chinese slave laborers and Cambodian children, falsifying financials, and then selling the company for breath-taking amounts of money.

Feared and feted, his success knew no bounds until resentful ex-wife number four turned him in to the FBI.

Sentenced to 50 years in prison, Daniels remained his unrepentant and arrogant self until he met Captain Zero, his cellmate serving multiple life sentences.

In Daniel’s words, “Captain Zero made it clear to me that our relationship had be built on trust and mutual respect or he would rape me senseless. Over time, I realized that I could take the lessons I learned from Captain Zero and use them to rebrand myself as the prophet of the New Integrity.”

Formulated as the 5 Shortcuts to Integritation — The New Integrity, his sequential program is brilliant in its simplicity. As Daniels points out, “Integritation is the journey towards an integrity which you have no intention of completing.”

1. Act as though you had integrity and no one will know if you do or not. As Captain Zero says, “Walk the walk, talk the talk, and then do whatever the fuck, know what I’m sayin’?”

2. Appear to be open to customers and colleagues for ideas on how to improve the honesty and transparency of the enterprise. Nod approvingly at meetings and take a lot of notes. Wait a few weeks until they forget what they said and then do what you want to do.

Daniel's mentor in federal prison was Captain Zero, seen here during his daily 17 hour workout. "It was Captain Z who showed me the road to integritation didn't require me to have any actual integrity at all," says Daniels.

3. Perform “The Full Milken,” named after über corporate criminal Michael Milken, and set up a philanthropic non-profit you can later use to launder your money. Adopting a cause like cancer, sick children, or something to do with Africa will portray you as a well-integritated individual without impinging your core competency, which is theft.

"Michael Milken is a perfect example of Integritation," says Daniels. "Sentenced to ten years, served less than two because he gave up his friends, and not one mention of it on his Web site -"

4. Treat people with courtesy and respect. It costs you nothing, and in the long run, they will give you credit for a level of integritation that you in no way possess.

5. With your reputation now integritated, you must do, as I learned from Captain Zero: “Milk the cow and you will have milk for many years. Kill the cow for steak and you ain’t got no more fucking cow, know what I’m sayin’?” When you base your relationships with your spouse, employees, colleagues, and friends on integritation, they will never know what the hell you’re up to.

Daniel’s newly integritated persona has won him an early parole after only serving five years and apparently his gospel is already being adopted throughout the business world.

“Just look at the statement that Goldman Sachs made after Smith accused them of lacking integrity, humility, and not doing right by its clients. Their response contains not one mention of “honesty” or “integrity”; yet, it gives the appearance of those qualities. That’s integritation!” exclaimed Daniels.

Romney Aggressively Courting the Moron Vote in the South

Jeff Foxworthy, known for his rollicking redneck humor, breaks up Mitt Romney
with one of his darkie jokes at Romney's birthday party.

Big Booger, Alabama  |  Mitt Romney celebrated his 65th birthday with comedian Jeff Foxworthy, who endorsed Romney’s candidacy.

Foxworthy has been a successful comedian who made his name with jokes for and about his audience, whom he affectionately calls “rednecks.”

His jokes take at a playful look at redneck life in the South. Due to the fact that black people don’t get red necks from working outdoors, Foxworthy’s redneck audience is exclusively white. He is best known for a series of jokes that begin with “You might be a redneck if. . .” with some of his most popular lines being

You might be a redneck if you and all your family members believe that blacks are genetically inferior to whites.

You might be a redneck if you believe that one of the biggest problems in this country is all the black people on welfare when in fact there are proportionally more white people on welfare.

You might be a redneck if your grandfather and grandmother attended a lynching.

You might be redneck if your father and grandfather were members of the White Citizen’s Council or marched with the Ku Klux Klan or burned down a black church.

A typical Jeff Foxworthy fan on his way to one of Foxworthy's performances.

You might be a redneck if you, your children, or one of your relatives attended white Christian academies to avoid having to sit in the same room with a black person.

You might be a redneck if you dropped out of school, got married when you were 17, had five children, worked a shitty job, got canned because you are an idiot, and have since decided that the source of all your troubles and woes is the first black President Barak Obama, whom you are certain is a Nazi Socialist Communist Muslim.

You might be a redneck if your politicians have convinced you that the Federal government, blacks, Jews, and lawyers are why you life is so fucking miserable when in fact it is your own lack of character, education, and gumption that has made your life the miasmic, evangelical swamp of self-pity and racist hatred that it is.

You might be a redneck because you lost the Civil War and every day, your life is testimony to why it is that the South lost and so richly deserves to keep on losing.

After attending one of Foxworthy’s performances, Romney said, “If this doesn’t prove that I love racist morons, nothing will!”

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