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Mad Men’s Don Draper Sets Record for Most Boinks in One Episode

‘I don’t know how the guy does it,’ confesses actor John Hamm. ‘And they didn’t even have Cialis back then!’

Don Draper’s prostate is big but probably not as big as this giant potato.

In the next episode of Mad Men, Don Draper, who at this point has a prostate gland the size of an Idaho potato, continues his swashbuckling and unbuckling ways.

Don and jet-setting Joy were perfect for each other. Neither of them ever asked for the other’s last name.

Joy, the aptly named jet-setting minx he met during his three-day AWOL interlude in California, pops into the offices of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce to say, “Hi!”

Alarmed that his new wife Megan will see her, Don hustles Joy out of the office and into the elevator but he hits the emergency stop button on the 27th floor so that he and Joy can have a short-lived affair before they reach the ground floor. They part as friends in the lobby.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Don straightens his tie and re-enters the elevator. A voice calls out, “Hold the elevator!” It’s Shelley, the stewardess that Don boinked on a trip to Baltimore.

Don and stewardess Shelley were shy with each other for the first two minutes of their relationship.

She’s visiting an exec she met on a flight to NYC. At first embarrassed when they recognize each other, they are soon embracing and smooching up a storm. Again, Don hits the emergency stop button and has another brief affair on the way up to his floor. The ever-discreet Shelley waves goodbye to Don as he heads back to his office.

His new secretary Dawn reminds Don that he has a parent-teacher conference at Sally’s school, and he runs off to catch a cab to her school.

Don’s reckless affair with Sally’s teacher Suzanne shattered her heart, but when she encounters him by chance, she drags him into a broom closet for a quick one.

As he’s walking down the school’s hallway, he sees a teacher who’s leaving for the day. Don gives her the once over and realizes it’s Suzanne Farrell, Sally’s former teacher, with whom he had an affair and whose heart he broke into a million pieces.

She moved away to avoid seeing Don again, but the moment their eyes meet, the floodgates open, and they find an empty broom closet to consummate a brief affair.

Bidding adieu to Suzanne, Don arrives back in the city, disheveled and fatigued, so he stops off at his apartment to freshen up. As he exits the shower, there is a rap on the door.

It’s Candace, the prostitute with whom he still has a standing 4:00 PM appointment for sex and slapping.

Candace the Call Girl knows what Don really likes, which is to be slapped silly.

Alarmed by her presence, he hustles her inside where she informs him that he failed to call before her 24-hour cancellation period and, willy nilly, he owes her two hundred bucks. Not wanting to waste his money, he and Candace have a brief affair. He takes another shower.

Racing back to the office, Don sees his former flame Dr. Faye Miller in the conference room, meeting with Peggy and Pete.

In happier times, Don and Faye worked, played, and laid together, but Fate, in the form of Don’s secretary (in the background) has other plans.

Faye gives Don an icy glare, but Don sees that her cushiony lower lip is all a-tremble. He waits for her in the lobby.

Amid tears and recriminations, Faye admits that she still carries a torch for Don. They hotfoot it around the corner to a bar where they have a brief affair in the women’s room stall.

Don returns to the darkened but not empty offices of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. There, he encounters Dawn sleeping on his couch, as she often does when she can’t get a cab home.

Don asks her if she’d like to have an affair with him to which she answers “Right on!” and so they go at it on his desk.

No Zoubi Zoubi Zou for you, Megan.

Ever the gentleman, Don calls them a cab, and after getting out at his apartment building, instructs the cabbie to take Dawn to her home in Harlem. Upon entering his apartment, he finds Megan wearing her infamous Zoubi Zoubi Zou dress and randier than an ocelot in heat whereupon Don bursts into tears, runs into the bedroom, pulls the sheets over his head, yells out “All of you — just leave me alone!” and falls fast asleep.

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