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Bold New U.S. Snacks Invade World Markets

‘Our goal: World obesity!’ says food exec.

U.S. snack manufacturers want to broaden their appeal worldwide. Recent world obesity figures indicate that U.S. snacks are rapidly gaining mouth share.

New York | Two of America’s leading purveyors of junk food announced breakthroughs in their quest to make the rest of the world as unhealthy as U.S citizens are.

Although it took them over fifty years to realize it, Kraft Foods and PepsiCo simultaneously arrived at the startling conclusion that the rest of the world might be different from the U.S.

Ms. Lorna Doone, Vice-President of Strange-Flavored Treats at Kraft, which owns the Oreo Cookie brand, announced, “Sadly, there are millions of non-Americans who find the Oreo cookie utterly disgusting. So we introduced a revised version of our flagship cookie — the Oreo sandwich cookie — that has become a runaway hit!

“The durian fruit is considered a delicacy throughout Asia, even though its aroma is compared to rotting flesh, raw sewage, and vomit.

One travel writer claims that after eating durian “your breath will smell as if you’d been French-kissing your dead grandmother.”

“Yet durian remains very popular,” continued an effervescent Ms. Doone. “So our first international Oreo is a durian crème sandwich. The name translates into Mandarin, Malay, and Hindi as: Take Big Bite Stinky Smell Fun Fun Bun.

“The only downside is that we have to include a warning that you can’t eat them in a closed space, such as a school, public transportation, or an office because you’ll be arrested and fined. That said, people love it!”

Not to be outdone, PepsiCo has launched a marketing initiative in Russia promoting its new line of drinks.

Pepsi’s new Bubble Blast Off To Oblivion features giant tapioca pearls laced with 151 proof vodka. As this happy taste tester said after his third serving, “I am loving this drink and would like very much to defect to the United States of PepsiCo.”

“It’s basically weak flavored tea filled with those creepy-looking tapioca pearl things malingering around the bottom of the glass,” said Roger Sterling, Pepsi VP of Criminally Indefensible Products. “But the payoff is that our pearls are filled with 151 proof vodka! It translates in Russian as the Bubble Blast Off To Oblivion, and believe me, it has blasted off! Parents and teachers love it because it quiets the kids down!”

6 Comments Post a comment
  1. Dear Dags,

    I recently tried an Oreo Cookie. It was nasty. I’ll stick to my healthy Hobnobs.

    Love Dotty xxx

    May 9, 2012
  2. hilarious

    May 10, 2012
    • Dear SW:
      In your travels, have you a) encountered durian, b) from how far away could you detect its odor, c) have you tried eating it, and d) what was it like?

      May 10, 2012
      • Dear CD – a) unfortunately all too often, b) it stunk out the whole corrider of a hotel once and pervaded the room I was staying in, C) not a chance the smell makes me want to vomit d) from my answers obviously not – but I have heard that it is rather nice (obviously those who eat it have no sense of smell). Have you had the pleasure?

        May 10, 2012
      • Dear SW:
        No, I haven’t, but I am fascinated that something that smells that bad could be regarded by so many as tasty. They sell durian in a nearby market. Maybe next week I’ll give it a sniff and make a further determination.
        Take care in your travels! There are many of us who wish you well.

        May 10, 2012

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