Newty Claus is coming to town!

Ooooooh….

You’d better watch out!
The Grinch is in view!
Newt’s on a surge
And he’s going to screw you!
Newty Claus is going to town!

He’s taken the vow
And broken it twice
He’s always been naughty
And never been nice
Newty Claus is going to town!

His ethics are a shambles
He’s really just a schmuck
He paid a fine in Congress for
$300,000 bucks!

Ooooooh

He rakes in the dough
For lobbying pols
Callista needs bling!
That Newt – has got balls!
Newty Claus is going to town!

You better not vote
For Newt or his ilk
The rich will get fat
And the rest will get bilked
Newty Claus is going to town!

He says that he’s a thinker
But his books put me to sleep!
He really is a P – H – D
‘Cause he Piles it High and Deep

Oooooooh

Santorum is nuts
And Bachmann is too
Mitt is a twat
And Perry’s coo coo
But Newty Claus is coming to town!
Newty Claus is coming to town!

Gingrich Challenges Other Candidates on Marriage

‘It’s simple math: I have three, they have one each! I win!’

New York  |   Caught by reporters as he was exiting Tiffany’s in New York City, Newt Gingrich fired off a number of baffling and incendiary remarks.

“Who better to endorse the marriage pledge than me – a three time loser!” chuckled an ebullient Gingrich as he twirled a large aqua blue Tiffany shopping bag. The pledge as crafted by Iowa evangelical right wingers, requires candidates to block same-sex marriage, refuse to allow women in forward combat roles, and to remain faithful to their spouses.

“My fellow candidates have only been married once each. How is that supporting marriage? I’ll marry anyone who finds me even remotely attractive. I love marriage! I think I have enough bullets left in my pistol for five or six more!”

Clearly in an expansive mood, Gingrich also commented on the upcoming progress report on the search for the Higgs boson — infamously known as the “God particle” — whose discovery would vindicate the modern theory of how elementary particles get mass.

“Don’t be surprised if the God particle looks a lot like me,” confided Gingrich to the swarm of reporters. “It’s obvious to anyone with a brain, which none of you reporters has. But to a Ph.D. such as myself, the facts are clear: How does a fat serial adulterer, who has the nerve to convert to Catholicism, who was fined $300,000 for ethics violations, who shut down the government because he jealous of Bill Clinton, whose was tossed out the of leadership position in the House by his fellow Republicans, who lobbies for organizations he then condemns, who has taken dozens of contradictory political positions — how does a guy with all this baggage become a front runner? It’s a miracle, that’s how. I am entirely composed of God particles!”

Just as he eased into a waiting limo, a reporter asked him why he converted to Catholicism, given his history of adultery.

“Are you kidding? I finally joined a church as corrupt as I am!” he shouted as his limo disappeared into heavy mid-town traffic.

Republican Voters in Iowa Declared Dangerously Stupid

Neighboring states close borders

Sometimes political polls can have alarming and immediate results.

After a recent poll of Iowa Republicans revealed that they found Newt Gingrich the most empathetic and most prepared to be President of the GOP candidates, governors of the states bordering Iowa agreed unanimously to close their borders to registered Iowa Republicans.

Kansas Governor Sam Brownback issued a terse statement defending the action: “I myself have often expressed idiotic ideas, but Iowans are giving right wing idiots a bad name. They pose a clear and present danger to themselves, to the nation, and to the good citizens of Kansas. We’re already running a dangerous IQ deficit in Kansas, and we can’t afford more stupid here. We’ve got to make sure they stay put in Iowa.”

Governor Pat Quinn of Illinois went on television this morning to make a personal appeal. “Look, in Illinois we know what dangerous idiots look like. We just got rid of Blagojevich and frankly, we’ve had it up to here with morons. If you’re a Republican from Iowa, keep the hell out.”

Pointing out that almost half of Gingrich’s supporters get all their information from Fox News, Governor Quinn expressed alarm. “Pardon my French, but for Christ’s sake! A study just confirmed that people who watch Fox News are worse informed than people who watch no news at all. An after dinner mint has more brains than someone who thinks Newt is empathetic!”

Nebraska quickly followed suit. Standing at the Nebraska-Iowa border surrounded by state troopers, Governor David Heineman said, “I’m a Republican, but I have to also think about the welfare of all Nebraska citizens. We can’t have Iowa Republicans coming into our state and marrying Nebraskans, and having a bunch of knuckle dragging kids who vote for nuts like Michele Bachmann. Our children are our future and we can’t afford to have dumb ones.”

In other campaign developments, Mitt Romney launched a new effort to take a bite out of the moron vote by securing an endorsement from former Vice President Dan Quayle. A Romney spokesman said, “Dan Quayle has been an outstanding moron for years and is a beacon for right wing Republican idiots. We hope this endorsement will show the idiots in Iowa that Mitt can be just as stupid as the other GOP candidates.”