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USA to Mitt: ‘We don’t like you!’

Romney’s unlikability ratings continue to soar

A recent poll asked voters if Mitt Romney were a food, what would he be?
98% of those responding said he’d be a mayonnaise sandwich on white bread,
a meal strongly identified with assholes. And the mayonnaise wouldn’t be Hellman’s.
It would be Miracle Whip sandwich spread.

Boston, MA  |  With the latest poll putting President Obama’s likability ratings at 56% and Mitt Romney’s at 27%, the Romney campaign embraced a tactic used successfully by the last two Bush campaigns: Ignore the facts.

Case in point is the latest statement from Romney’s press secretary:

Voters really don’t know Governor Romney yet,” said Andrea Saul, his press secretary. “These are superficial first impressions at best.”

Romney spokesperson and former Stepford wife Andrea Saul has launched a new non-reality based initiative to try to counteract Romney’s high asshole ratings.

Unfortunately for Ms. Saul, the facts tell a different story.

Romney has campaigned extensively, expensively, and non-stop from 2008 to 2012, has given countless interviews, is the subject of thousands of press reports, published a book, and had a book published about him.

The American people do know Mitt Romney and most of them have arrived at an inescapable conclusion: Mitt Romney is an unadulterated asshole.

Behind closed doors, Romney aides are trying to determine exactly what kind of asshole Mitt is and how they can turn it into a positive asset. Speaking on deep background, a Romney aide detailed the knotty problem for this reporter.

“Clinton was a philanderer, but his asshole ratings were negligible and he was elected twice. Al Gore was the geeky kind of asshole who always seems to have the right answer in class, but George Bush was a far bigger asshole.

Although male cheerleaders rate “extreme” on the asshole scale, George Bush was able to portray himself simultaneously as a sincere and pathetic asshole, thus winning over voters.

“Bush’s assholeness was the classic variety. He didn’t know what he was talking about, he was an arrogant poser, he liked to play dress up, and he was a cheerleader. His asshole ratings were through the roof; yet, he got elected twice!

“But Bush was an absolutely authentic, sincere asshole. And we determined that even though he was an asshole, Bush also engendered feelings of pity because it was clear that when Cheney, Rumsfield, and Condi Rice were in the room, he had no idea what the hell was going on. That made him look like a pathetic asshole — much like Richard Nixon, the greatest Republican asshole of them all. The American people have room in their hearts for a pathetic asshole and will vote for him!

“Unfortunately Governor Romney checks all the boxes for being a huge asshole. He’s stiffer than a sheet of particle board and about as interesting. He’s blatantly rich and hasn’t the slightest idea why this might piss some people off. He says everything with the same conviction and the same dumb ass smile, even when he’s contradicting himself. He hides behind his wife. He doesn’t philander. And you can’t have a beer with him because he doesn’t drink!

Republican strategists say that Richard Nixon still remains the gold standard of what it means to be a Republican asshole.

“Honestly, I have no idea how we’re going to close this asshole gap. At the moment, we’re considering announcing that Mitt has a critical case of toenail fungus that may require laser treatment. Even Dick Cheney’s asshole ratings went down for 4 hours when he got his heart transplant. So a well-chosen disease just might be our way out of this mess.”

In other developments, former arsonist and leading Republican asshole Senator Darrell Issa announced that efforts to Photoshop President Obama’s head onto the body of a Secret Service agent having a three-way sex, had failed.

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