Supreme Being Corrects the Record About Talking to Glenn Beck
Undisclosed location | In response to Glenn Beck’s account of his most recent conversation with God, the Supreme Being made himself available for an exclusive interview with this reporter.
Archangel Michael informed me in no uncertain terms not to ask for the winning number in the upcoming Powerball drawing, nor would He take any questions regarding the whereabouts of Judge Crater or Jimmy Hoffa.
Q: Okay, let’s get started. Glenn Beck said in a recent interview that he decided to leave Fox News on the day he walked up to a floor-to-ceiling window in his New York apartment and asked his wife, “How could this possibly be God’s plan?”
“As I stood there, the Lord whispered to me, ‘If you do not leave now, you will lose your soul,’” Beck said. “It was the easiest decision I’ve ever made.”
Did you in fact say this to Beck?
A: The exact comment I made to Mr. Beck was — and I have the transcript here if you’d care to read it — was: “If you don’t jump now, you will lose your soul.”
Q: You told him to jump? Out the window?
A: Yup. And mark you, it’s not often I speak to people. In fact, I haven’t said a word to a human being for eons — that includes George Bush, Pat Robertson, Oral Roberts, Osama Bin Laden, and all the Popes. Not one word. Ever. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
Q: So you told him to jump out the window to certain death and he misheard you?
A: He chose to. Yes.
Q: I thought you have forbidden suicide.
A: Generally. But there are always exceptions. I looked at Glenn’s trip to the pavement the way you might consider turning down the volume on your car radio when a really annoying song comes on — like when an oldies station plays something by the Electric Light Orchestra or the Moody Blues. I was thinking of providing a small measure of relief by turning off Radio Glenn — forever.
Q: Why not give him a little push?
A: Doctrine of Free Will pretty much rules that out. And I’ll be the first to admit that Free Will can create a real mess. There are times when I’d like to step in and be Supreme Dictator — just to clean up some misheghas you all have made. It’s kind of like wanting a single payer healthcare system. Makes a lot of sense to have that direct kind of accountability, but Free Will takes precedence. Rules is rules.
Q: Can I read you something else Glenn Beck recently said?
A: If you must.
Q: Here it is:
“Prepare yourself. Put on the full armor of God. Because the battle is already raging and it is time for the servants of the Lord — of all faiths — to stand together and stand ready to love and do exactly what he tells us to do because, in the end, we win. We win.”
Would you care to comment on this?
A: Look, if you want to have a chance at a good life, turn Glenn off and listen to Bach or the Dixie Chicks instead, eat more vegetables and fruit, brush your teeth twice a day always using an angled rotary motion, use your turn signals properly, give to the poor and needy, and follow the Golden Rule. How’s that sound?
Q: All good advice. One last question. Who’s going to win the upcoming Presidential election?
A: Remind me of today’s Stardate?
A: Spoiler alert! Obama.
Q: I caught that reference to Star Trek. Are you a Trekkie?
A: Gotta go. Live long and prosper!