Romney declares: ‘I love the military!’

Regrets not having fought in a war but will fix that as President

Mitt Romney’s five strapping sons have displayed the same enthusiasm for serving in the military as their father did. As one son, wishing to remain anonymous, said regarding military service, “Isn’t that something that poor people do?”

New York City  |  As the Republican candidates for President vie with each other to appear most enthusiastic to launch another war in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is taking the lead as most likely to start the next war.

“I love the U.S. military! I love its guns! I love its airplanes! I even love those little armored personnel carriers! As your President, I promise you, I will get us into another war pronto! No more appeasement! No more apologies! I’m going to lob a Cruise missile into the Ayatollah’s bathroom!” shouted an unhinged-looking Romney in a speech on the deck of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

Romney’s bellicose current positions seem at odds with his relatively placid earlier life.

During the Vietnam War, candidate Romney applied for three student deferments. Even though Mormons are not considered a non-combatant religion, such as Quakers and Mennonites, Romney, with decisive intervention by Mormon Church elders, was classified as a minister of religion or divinity student,even though he was neither.

While at college, Mitt Romney protested those who were protesting the draft during the Vietnam War. When asked why he didn’t serve in the military, the feckless young Mitt replied, “Isn’t that something that poor people do?”

From July 1966 to February 1969, Romney lived and worked in France, trying to convert unwilling French men and women to Mormonism. While there, he lived in what one of his fellow missionaries called as “a house built by and for rich people,” complete with stained glass windows, chandeliers, massive bedrooms, a full-time chef, and a houseboy.

Despite dodging the draft without applying for conscientious objector status and doing two years of alternative service, Romney said in 2007 that in fact he fervently wanted to be carrying an M-16 and slogging through the rice paddies of Vietnam. “I longed in many respects to actually be in Vietnam and be representing our country there and in some ways it was frustrating not to feel like I was there as part of the troops that were fighting in Vietnam.”

When told that all he had to do to serve in Vietnam was to enlist in the armed services, Romney warbled in reply, “Oh, beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain!”

Although the United States has been engaged in two protracted wars, Romney’s robust five sons — Taggart, Matt, Josh, Ben, and Craig — haven’t shown much interest in actually serving their country.

When asked to reconcile his enthusiasm for starting another war with his sons’ lack of military service, Romney said, “One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping to get me elected, because they think I’d be a great president. My son, Josh, bought the family Winnebago and has visited 99 counties, most of them with his three kids and his wife.”

Although candidate Romney equates driving around the US in a Winnebago with
driving around Afghanistan in a Humvee, there appear to be significant differences.
On the left, is a Humvee. On the right, the interior of Josh Romney’s Winnebago.

When it was pointed out to candidate Romney that driving around in a Winnebago was a lot different than driving around in an armored Humvee and dodging roadside bombs, he replied, “For purple mountains majesty, Above the fruited plain!”

In addition to threatening Iran — “I will buttress my diplomacy with a military option” — Romney wants to increase military spending and build 15 additional warships a year.

This reporter confronted Romney with the most recent military force figures, showing that the U.S. (#1) was ahead of Russia (#2) and China (#3) by huge margins in every significant category.

Total number of ships: US: 2,384   Russia: 233   China: 972
Total number of aircraft: US: 18,234   Russia: 2,749   China: 5,176
Total number of aircraft carriers: US: 11   Russia: 1   China: 1
Total military budget: US: $700 billion   Russia: $56 billion   China: $100 billion

Given these figures, I asked why Romney wanted increase US military forces that are already overwhelmingly superior to all other countries combined.

Without hesitating, Romney replied, “America, America, God shed his grace on thee, And crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea!”