Republicans Offer Alternative Health Plan

‘Health care and law enforcement in one deficit-busting package!’ claims Paul Ryan.

Demonstrating the newest tool to aid law enforcement officers in random strip searches and pelvic exams, Rep. Paul Ryan held aloft a 16 Function, 40 horsepower Super Rabbit Vibrator during a press conference. “For those citizens wishing to add a note of pleasure to the humiliation of their strip search experience, this is the baby to do it!”

Washington  |  Smarting from criticism that they have provided no alternative to the Affordable Healthcare Act, other than emergency room treatment or a prolonged agonizing death, Republican Congressmen cobbled together a proposal that combines the worst aspects of airport passenger searches by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) and the strip searches recently authorized by the Supreme Court.

For male airline passengers, TSA agents will now be authorized to do full cavity strip search, prostate exams, and the optional prostate stimulation with this Waterproof Prostate Stimulator.

Wisconsin GOP Congressman Paul Ryan, whose budget would unashamedly enrich already wealthy plutocrats, impoverish the middle class, and abandon the poor and needy to fend for themselves, proudly announced the plan, surrounded by his fellow Tea Party pinheads and dipshits.

“We believe that the best healthcare is preventative and proactive. We are there for authorizing TSA agents and law enforcement officers from the FBI to night watchmen to conduct breast, pelvic, and prostate exams as part of their duties,” announced a beaming Ryan.

Ryan waggled the Super Rabbit Vibrator at reporters and playfully added, “Never let it be said that the Republicans don’t know how to fuck the American public!”

New York City Police Chief Raymond Kelly has instructed his agents that anyone buying Middle Eastern foods, such as these seemingly innocent containers of hummus, are probably terrorists and should be closely monitored, and if possible, strip searched.

In other law enforcement news, New York City Police Chief Raymond Kelly revealed that, in addition to extensive secret monitoring of U.S. citizens who are Muslims, his agents have also been collecting the names of anyone who purchases hummus, Syrian flatbread, tabbouleh, or falafel. Recently arrested in the upscale Boston suburb of Wellesley, Kevin O’Connor, fund manager for Fidelity Investments, complained, “I had just purchased some hummus at Whole Foods, when I was surrounded by a SWAT team and hustled out to a van in the parking lot. They stripped me and gave me a prostate exam. Other shoppers were walking past me and looking at me. It was totally humiliating. On the brighter side, the agent told me that my prostate felt enlarged and that I should have it checked. Turned out it was just a mild inflammation, so I guess I am thankful he found out.”