Press 1 for yes, 2 for no

News item: Under Mr. Obama’s proposal, the employment commission would be given new power to enforce the proposed ban on discrimination against the jobless. If they have been refused a job because of being unemployed, people can bring a claim directly under this provision without having to go through the whole ‘disparate impact’ analysis.”

“Hello. You’ve reached the assistance line of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Please press the numbers on your keypad to indicate the number of months you have been unemployed.

“The numbers you’ve pressed indicate that you have been unemployed for 52 months. Is that correct? Press 1 for yes, 2 for no.

“Before registering a complaint, use your keypad to answer the following questions.

“How many jobs have you applied for during this period?

“Your answer is 8,752. Is that correct?

“During this period, have you tried dyeing your hair to eliminate all traces of gray, losing at least 20 pounds, going to the gym regularly, and buying a new wardrobe that you really couldn’t afford?

“Your answer is yes. Is that correct?

“Have you rewritten you résumé to eliminate the last 25 years of job experience?

“Your answer is yes. Is that correct?”

“Have you been drinking heavily?”

“Your answer is yes. Is that correct?

“Have you recently told your friends or significant other that you spent the day applying for jobs when in fact you spent the day playing online poker and viewing pornography?

“Your answer is yes. Is that correct?

“Have you attended networking meetings and decided that everyone there was a fucking loser except you?

“Your answer is yes. Is that correct?

“Have you connected on Linked In with former colleagues whom you would have gladly fired because of their stunning incompetence?

“Your answer is yes. Is that correct?

“Do you have the overwhelming feeling that social media is an utter waste of time and turning its participants into a bunch of self-centered, boring twits and are you revolted by reading recent Facebook postings of how drunk your friends were at a party to which you were not invited?

“Your answer is yes. Is that correct?

“During interviews, have you ever wanted to leap across the table, grab the interviewer by the lapels of his or her ill-fitting suit and scream: ‘You smarmy fucking asshole, I have more competence and expertise in my little finger than the twenty-something jerk off you’ll hire for this position! You’ll be lucky if I don’t beat you to death with my bare hands when you leave work tonight.’

“Your answer is yes. Is that correct?

“Did you finally decide you had to do something and get a job in retail and were treated like shit by idiotic managers half your age but did a great job anyway and still get laid off for no apparent reason, thereby sending you into a drunken three day bender at the end of which you had to apologize to the few friends you still have for things you don’t remember doing?

“Your answer is yes. Is that correct?

“Have you decided that you know the color of your parachute and it’s black, yeah, black – the color of death and despair and the existential abyss that is your worthless life, and you want to go up in a plane wearing your black parachute and on the flight up to 10,000 feet you’ll write a farewell note telling everyone exactly what you really think of them, and then you’ll jump out of the plane, and your chute will open and you’re listening to Janis Joplin singing Take Another Little Piece of My Heart on your iPod and remembering the time you saw her in person and you managed to talk to her backstage after the show and you almost – almost! – decided to go on the road with her and be a male groupie but you didn’t and have regretted it ever since because all she really needed was someone who really loved her, but fuck it you didn’t and you went to graduate school and became a boring corporate drone and what has it gotten you, just fuck everything just fuck it all, and your parachute opens and you are drifting down and Janis is calling to you, so you take out the handgun you brought with you and you look up and aim at the parachute and fire and a hole appears in the chute and you fire again and again and you slap in a new clip and keep firing until the chute is shredding and you are rocketing to earth and in moments you’ll hit the ground and they’ll find you and read your note and they will all be sorry that they didn’t reach out to you, all those miserable bastards didn’t even think of returning all the favors you did for them, and they will be soooooo sorry and here’s a disparate impact analysis the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission can shove it up its collective ass?

“Your answer is yes. Is that correct? Please hold and someone will assist you in a moment.”

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