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Romney Proud of His Lack of Authenticity

‘Inauthenticity is a core Republican value!’ avows Mitt.

Lexington, MA  |  Having finally eliminated his chief rival for the Republican nomination, a triumphant Mitt Romney found himself in the most dangerous moment of his quest to become president.

He was feeling expansive and he was near a microphone, two conditions that his handlers recognize as fraught with danger.

Romney did not disappoint.

Mitt Romney cited George W. Bush and Ron Reagan as pinnacles of inauthenticity who were both elected to two presidential terms. "You want to be an also-ran? All you have to do is be authentic - an authentic loser!" said Romney.

“I don’t know why you guys go on and on about me being so inauthentic,” Romney declared, although no one had brought up the subject. “Inauthenticity, and for that matter, duplicity, is a core Republican belief and, believe you me, it works!

“For Gosh sake! Look at George W. Bush playing I’m-a-big-tough-pilot on an aircraft carrier. And there’s The Great Communicator who confused his movies with real life! You call that authentic? Didn’t make any difference — two terms for those jamokes!

“You want duplicity? Look at Ford pardoning Nixon. Nixon and Agnew were both crooks and liars. Then Nixon picks Ford to be his Vice, Nixon resigns, Ford becomes President, Ford pardons Nixon, and Ford says there was no deal. Heck, no one believed him but he did it anyway! That’s Republicanism at its best!”

Candidate Romney has criticized President Obama for playing golf, just like Ford, Bush, and Reagan did. "It's far more inauthentic of me to criticize Obama for playing golf when Ann and I go riding on our $40,000 horses!" exclaimed Romney.

Mitt Romney sees horse ownership as an emblem of his inauthenticity. "As Ann said, we don't think of ourselves as wealthy. How much more inauthentic can we be?"

A flabbergasted reporter had the presence of mind to ask Romney about his criticism of President Obama for playing golf when every Republican president going back to Taft had spent many happy hours on the links.

“The only reason Obama plays golf is because he isn’t rich enough to ride horses like Ann and I do. It’s shows a pathetic lack of wealth on his part!”

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