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Nine Year Old Boy Shoots 3 in Florida


Ruled as justifiable under Stand Your Ground Law

Dimwit, Florida  |  A nine year old boy toting one of his father’s handguns shot and wounded three people today. Local police investigating the shootings have ruled all three shootings as justifiable.

The 9 year old shooter, seen here with his back up weapon, will only be charged with not having a proper carry permit.

Said Dimwit Police Chief Lamar Butkis, “Hey, in all three cases he was being threatened with bodily harm by adults three times his size. Under the law, he is permitted to stand his ground and shoot. Dang good little shot, too!”

The first shooting occurred outside a convenience store before school started. The child shooter along with friends was hanging out in front of the store and blocking the entrance. The storeowner ran outside to shoo them away but the boy wouldn’t move.

“I took a step towards him and told him someone should tan his hide. The next thing you know, he took out a gun and shot me in the leg,” said Vijay Singh, owner of the local Piggly Wiggly. “He is a little monster person!”

National Rifle Association President and Chief Bull Goose Looney defended the nine year old shooter. "He felt threatened, he was armed, and he shot some people. So what? Next question!" said a defiant LaPierre at a press conference.

The second shooting occurred outside the school. The boy in question was playing around the bus drop off area.

Fifth grade teacher Shirley McGillicuddy approached the child and told him to get out of the way or she’d move him out of the way.

“He said ‘You and what army?’ I took a step towards him and he pulled out his gun and shot me in the shoulder,” said Ms. McGillicuddy. “It’s only a flesh wound but still.”

The last shooting occurred at the boy’s home when a neighbor saw him reloading the handgun on his front step.

“I approached the child and asked him if his parents were home. He told me to get off his front lawn. When I approached the front door, the little bugger shot me,” said Doris Derby, a retired sales clerk and grandmother of four. “Luckily the bullet ricocheted off my Medic Alert monitor. I just don’t think it’s right for a nine year old to go around shooting people.”

The nine year old is a cum laude graduate of the the NRA's Young Shooters in Christ Junior Sniper and Assassin Program.

The police arrived and after some negotiations, the boy surrendered the gun. Although the investigating officer determined that shootings were justifiable under Florida’s Stand Your Ground Law, he was still going to charge the child with not having a proper permit for the gun.

NRA President Wayne LaPierre announced that the NRA would provide legal counsel for the boy. “First of all, the people he shot should be glad that he took the NRA’s Young Shooters in Christ Junior Sniper and Assassin Program. He’s a good boy and a helluva shot!”

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4 Comments Post a comment
  1. Something is so missing!

    April 11, 2012
    • A friend of mine moved back to Florida and said to me, ‘Chance, the further south I drive in this state, the dumber I feel.’

      April 11, 2012
  2. Very nice. You’d make an Onion editor proud.

    April 11, 2012
    • Nice of you to say so. They’ve got a TV show, though. I don’t think I’ll be able to match that. But on second thought, why would I want to?

      April 11, 2012

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