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Newsy Bits of the World!

Rick Perry Making Good On Race to the Bottom

Promises to make Texas children the ‘stupidest in the nation!’

Stung by their inability to capture the title of "Stupidest State in the Nation," Texas legislators have gutted the state's eduction budget, fired thousands of teachers, and mandated a new faith-based mathematics program.

Dim Bulb, Texas  |  Making good on their promise to spread the seeds of ignorance, the Republican-dominated Texas state legislature cut $5.4 billion from the education budget and eliminated over 10,000 teaching positions.

Governor Perry ponders the riddle, Where was Moses when the lights went out?

Governor Perry was characteristically unrepentant. “Hey, I’m dumber than a sack of doorknobs, and I’m governor of a big important state and pretty damned rich too. Those kids need to toughen up and go out and get a job. I hear they’re hiring in Massachusetts.”

With the U.S. raking 25th among 34 countries in science and math education, seen by many as the key to the economic future, Texas is currently rated only  “below average.” Said outraged legislator Bubba Suggs, “We can’t let West Virginia, Mississippi, South Carolina, and Louisiana beat us! We have the tools to be the stupidest in the nation and I won’t rest until we are!”

To close the stupidity gap, Texas legislators are scrapping the current math and science curriculum and replacing it with not-so-intelligent design and faith-based math.

Catholic Cardinal Wants Gov’t Out of Religion

Wants to get law enforcement off the Church’s back as well

Sipping an expensive cabernet sauvignon, a well-fed Cardinal Dolan presides over a hearty meal of gruel for the poor at the New York Archdiocesan suite at the Plaza Hotel.

New York City  |  Archbishop of New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan spoke out on the imaginary contraception controversy created by Republicans to sway more Catholics to vote for GOP candidates.

“We have decided that to preserve the crass commercialism, profound dearth of righteousness, decades of worldwide sexual depravity, non-stop cover ups, resistance to lawful accountability, and utter lack of moral authority of the Catholic Church, there is only one political affiliation that shares our devotion to ignorance, stupidity, lawlessness, and corruption: the Republican Party!

“Our problem is the government is intruding into the–into the life of faith and in–in the Church that they shouldn’t be. Keep your condoms off of our Catholic penises!”

When queried by what authority a bunch of celibate corrupt old men have to dictate the behavior of men and women, the Cardinal took a hearty swing of sacramental wine and said, “Let me tell you something, sonny boy. If we get Santorum elected in 2016, asking smart ass questions like that will be a jailable offense, complete with a full cavity strip search!”

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