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Who wants to be Mitt’s VP? No one!


‘It’s like he has cooties or something,’ says aide.

Does Mitt have cooties?

Numbnuts, PA  |  It’s a growing embarrassment for the Romney campaign.

No one wants to be Mitt’s Vice President.

Tea Party darlings Representative Marco Rubio of Florida and Governor Nikki Haley of South Carolina, Minnesota’s leading shy person Governor Tim Pawlenty, and New Mexico’s Governor Susana Martinez have all categorically stated they want nothing to do with the VP slot.

“I can make a hell of a lot more money off the Koch brothers than I’ll ever make as VP,” averred Rubio in a candid moment.

Marc Rubio (left) was stricken with intense nausea upon hearing that Romney wanted
him to join the GOP ticket as VP. When Romney offered Nikki Haley (right) the
position at a recent rally, she claimed she had a headache that would probably
last until next October and therefore couldn’t in good faith fill the VP slot.

Governor Halley said she had a headache that prevented her from running. “The last thing I need is some investigative reporter from the Washington Post, who wants to be the next Woodward Bernstein, climbing all over my ass! Forget it!” she was quoted as saying by aide Susanne Freberg, who wished to remain nameless.

The Romney campaign had already written off Pawlenty. “Just what I need for a VP — Stuart Smalley,” said Romney referring to the self-esteem deprived Saturday Night Live character.

Governor Martinez was equally blunt. “Oh yeah, I should team up with the guy who said Mexicans should voluntarily deport themselves. See ya Mitt! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!”

Although Mitt has a long history of being rejected for being a complete twat, even he has been dismayed at his inability to find anyone who likes him who isn’t already being paid to do so.

So far homeless person Lars Marsupial of Venice, CA is the only other person to have shown an interest in being Romney’s running mate. “Frankly, the offer of free underwear sealed the deal for me,” said an insouciant Lars as he panhandled passers-by.

This reporter accompanied a Romney aide who went to Herman Cain’s home and knocked repeatedly on the door, only to hear Cain growl, “No! No! No!”

“I’d love to be VP again! Who doesn’t love a war?” said Cheney.

The Romney campaign is currently considering offering a new Lexus, a 22-room mansion in an exclusive all-white gated community in Florida, a new top of the line Winnebago, a year’s free supply of Mormon underwear to anyone who would be his running mate. So far only a homeless man named Lars Marsupial from Venice, California and Dick Cheney have showed interest in the offer.

“Hell, I’d do it for nothing,” Cheney is reported to have groaned. “I’d have us in a war with Syria, Iran, and France before that twit changes the curtains in the Oval Office.”

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