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Romney Embraces Enduring GOP Core Family Value — Racism


In today's speech, Mitt Romney committed himself to the time-honored Republican value of racism. Citing his Mormon background as qualifying him as a racist, his children ( "Not one of them is black!"), and his friends ("Rich, white, and why shouldn't we be?"), Romney hopes to assume to mantle of Republican racist. "It's the one thing the Democrats haven't stolen from us!" he exclaimed on his way to a NASCAR owner's meeting.

Washington  |  With polls showing his popularity plummeting with women, people who mistrust the Mormon religion, people who can count to twenty without moving their lips, and people who are generally opposed to electing blatantly insincere assholes to public office, Mitt Romney has made an appeal to the most enduring, heartfelt, deep-seated, and reliable Republican family value of all: racism.

Bouncing onto the podium at a combined convention of the Daughters of the Confederacy, the National Rifle Association, James Dobson’s recently renamed Focus on the White Family, and the Christian Coalition for Scared White People, and Republicans for a Return to Medieval Values, Romney gave a rousing speech that was filled with “code words” meant for his audience.

Romney challenged the crowd, "If you can find a photo of me with a person of color, I'll give you $10,000!"

“We have before us a black and white choice,” said an energized Romney at the end of his speech. “We can continue stumbling through the dark, dingy corridors of unemployment and handouts to blah people. And we can continue letting the Democrat boogeymen scare us with their talk of class warfare. But I say, ‘Let’s call a spade a spade.’ I say, ‘Let’s buck the trend of negativism.’ The American people have had enough! The jig is up!”

Leaving the stage to the sounds of thunderous applause and enthusiastic handgun owners firing their weapons into the air, Romney shook hands with well-wishers and VIPs. Mitch McConnell, Senate minority leader and implacable foe of compromise, reason, and rationality, quipped, “They won’t call it the White House for nuthin’ when Mitt gets elected.”

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2 Comments Post a comment
  1. Its funny, because it’s true.

    April 4, 2012
    • Mr. Dagger appreciates your comment. He urges you to buy a T-shirt as well, but then again, he would, wouldn’t he?

      April 4, 2012

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