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Job Hunting Clinic: Your Elevator Pitch

Okay, job seeker. You’ve read What Color is Your Parachute? and done all those dispiriting exercises, you’ve LinkedIn with 600 people you barely know, you’re Facebooking and Tweeting about improving efficiency and maximizing search engine optimization and all that other crap, but you have not prepared what will be the single most important weapon in your job search arsenal.

That weapon is Your Elevator Pitch!

Remember! Dress a little more formally than you ordinarily would. We recommend wearing a necktie to show you're serious and to add some pizzazz!

You’ve done your homework. You found the perfect job that fits your skills and experience like a glove. You applied for the job. Of course you’ve heard nothing back from the company! You’ve determined who the hiring manager is,  found out where he lives, watched him as he leaves for work in the morning, observed that his wife drives a better car than he does, followed him to work, and learned that on Thursdays, he leaves the building to eat lunch at a nearby deli. The stage is set for you to strike!

The moment the elevator begins to move, hit that Emergency Stop button and stand in front of it!

As he returns from lunch, you wait until he enters the elevator, you get in with him, hit the Close Door button before anyone else can get in, ascend five floors, hit the Emergency Stop button, and unleash your Elevator Pitch!

“Mr. X, allow me to introduce myself. My name is (your name here) and I recently applied for the position of Assistant Marketing Manager, which reports to you. Have you by chance received my resume from Human Resources?

“No? Well, if those assholes were doing their jobs, they would have shredded all the other applications because not one of them is as uniquely qualified as I am for this position.

“Why, you ask? No, please don’t reach for the Emergency button until I’ve finished. I assure you this will only take a minute if you cooperate.

Don't let your disappointment and anger from so many months of fruitless job hunting show up in your presentation! Stay enthusiastic and positive!

“I have the exact qualifications for this job. In fact, in my previous position, I was two steps above you on the corporate ladder and had people like you reporting to me! So I ask you, with that being the case, how could I not be able to do this assistant position?

“That was a question, Mr. X, and it deserves an answer. Do you really think I’m unqualified in any conceivable way to do a job that I did ten years ago and from which I was rapidly promoted? Well, do you?

“That’s right. In fact, I’m qualified to do your job, and my guess is, looking at the recent numbers for your company, I could do your job a hell of a lot better than you are.

“Am I almost done, you ask? Why? Am I boring you? Aren’t you interested in getting the best possible candidate for this position? Don’t tell me you’re going to drag out that you’re-over-qualified bullshit so you can hire some young dipstick with two years of experience and pay him less than you’d pay someone who can actually do the job efficiently from the get go? Is that what you’re trying to say?

Make sure you've done your research on the company and you are up-to-date on their projected revenues!

“I don’t really care if you have a meeting now. If I were you, I’d think getting the right person for this position should be pretty goddamned important, don’t you? Maybe if you were better at hiring the right people, you’d be driving a new Lexus SUV LX like your wife and not the 2002 3-series BMW you’re driving.

“Never mind how I know. I’m going to you ask you some very important questions and I want you to think about the answers before you speak. Are you ready?

“Do you want to be a success? Yes, of course you do.

“Look at me, Mr. X. I mean it, look at me. Do you know who you’re looking at? Do you?

“That’s right — I amgoing to tell you. You’re looking at the person who will do anything — anything — to help you succeed. You tell me where you want to be in three years and I assure you, I will clear your path to that Vice Presidency like a flamethrower. I am your Seal Team Six! Point me at your problems and I will liquidate them!

A word to the wise: If you look like Charlize Theron, you're going to get the job, whatever it is, so don't overdo your pitch. If you look like a gargoyle from outer space, like Lisbeth Salander, you're not going to get the job unless your interviewing to be a bouncer at a BDSM club.

“Don’t you want someone like me on your team? Of course, you do. Have I persuaded you to give close consideration to my candidacy for this position?

If you see that your potential boss is not paying attention to your elevator pitch, you can always jokingly suggest to him (or her) that you are armed and wouldn't hesitate to pop a cap in his gourd, so he'd better listen up.

“Why thank you! I’m glad to see I’ve made such a favorable first impression on you!

“I see that I have run a little over my allotted minute. Here’s a copy of my resume. You’re going to the 12th floor, is that correct? With me on your team, you’ll be up on the 20th floor in no time at all.

“Thank you, Mr. X. I look forward to our next meeting!”

4 Comments Post a comment
  1. Excellent! I was having fun all the way through yet there was a palpable frustration there… Nice job.

    March 29, 2012
  2. Dear chancedagger,
    I’d advise following him after work too. Who knows what opportunities for blackmail you’ll happen upon?
    Love Dotty xxx

    March 31, 2012
    • Yes, Your Dottyness, blackmail is the next job hunting frontier.

      March 31, 2012

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