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North Korea Says Any Criticism Is Cause for Instant War


Kim Jong-un, the chipmunk-cheeked, 28 year old, absolute dictator of North Korea, threatened
“to unleash a torrential deluge of merciless annihilation and an unending fiery shit storm
of colossal proportions” on any person or nation that says something that hurts
his feelings or does something that annoys him.

Pyongyang, North Korea  |  The absolute leader of North Korea, known affectionately as “Illustrious General,” “Great Successor,” or “Fat Cheeked Boy Toad” by his loving countrymen, declared that any criticism of his country’s insane pursuit of nuclear weapons would be considered a “declaration of war.”

In addition, the “Lard Ass Who Rules Over Starving Millions,” as he is sometimes called, issued a list of demands to the attendees of the upcoming Nuclear Security Summit. Refusal to meet any of the demands “will be cause for a nuclear rain of endless death upon the United States, South Korea, Europe, and in particular, Rush Limbaugh and Megyn Kelley of Fox News” although in a later statement, Kim Jong-un removed Kelly’s name from the list for nuclear annihilation because, as he stated, “I’d totally do her.”

Aryan race poster girl and Foxy News anchor vixen Megyn Kelly, seen here getting her sexy on for GQ Magazine, is apparently on the Great Successor’s list of women he’d spare from fiery nuclear death because “she is among the top 3 women I’d most like to kidnap.”

Kim Jong-un’s non-negotiable demands include:

No one may make any reference the chubbiness, drab wardrobe, diminutive height, or sexual prowess of the Great Successor.

Mad Men or Downton Abbey cannot go on hiatus any longer than 3 months.

Tim Tebow has to replace Mark Sanchez as the starting quarterback for the New York Jets.

The North Korean soccer team must be allowed to win the 2014 World’s Cup.

Angelina Jolie has to adopt 5,000 North Korean children.

The McRib Sandwich must be available year round.

Export Kim Kardashian immediately to Pyongyang.

There can be no embargos on importing pornographic DVDs, Cheetos, or Starbucks Frappaccino’s for the Great Successor’s enjoyment.

In an even more alarming development, the U.S. State Department confirmed the rumor that Kim Jong-un had hired Karl Rove as an adviser and that Rove’s PAC in return is now in possession of multiple nuclear weapons.

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10 Comments Post a comment
  1. The whole country is so ronry.

    March 22, 2012
    • Very sad and ronry which is why, I think, he yearns so tragically for Megyn Kelly.

      March 22, 2012
  2. Lunatics apparently don’t fall far from the tree. It makes one wonder how nutty some leaders are or if its an act. Thanks for the post. Stop by http://www.mostly-right.com for similar types of pieces.

    Jeff

    March 22, 2012
    • They say that when The Great Successor smiles, he resembles his grandfather Kim Il-sung, the Great Leader and Eternal President, and that’s why TGS was chosen although there are those who say that when he smiles, TGS simply resembles a chipmunk whose cheeks are filled peanuts.

      March 22, 2012
  3. Well done! Tweeted!

    April 23, 2012
    • I am your servant.

      April 23, 2012
      • Do you know what Spy Magazine was?

        April 24, 2012
      • I do and it is to my great sadness that it no longer exists. I was otherwise engaged during that period and rarely read it. As they say on Broadway, satire is what closes on Tuesday night.

        April 24, 2012
      • I loved it as well. There is a book you can buy, “Spy: The Funny Years.” The reason I mentioned it is that I had thought about starting a similar online version (called something else) this summer. Biting satire and savage wit — which you sound quite skilled at, and I can be. What do you think of the idea, and do you have any interest in collaboration? Not a definite, just a thought.

        April 24, 2012
      • I like the idea. I am not sure what’s out there as competition. There’s Andy Borowitz and The Onion and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, so you’d have to find a way to offer something either different from them or better. Or both. I hope that the goal would be to make money.

        April 25, 2012

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