North Korea Says Any Criticism Is Cause for Instant War
Pyongyang, North Korea | The absolute leader of North Korea, known affectionately as “Illustrious General,” “Great Successor,” or “Fat Cheeked Boy Toad” by his loving countrymen, declared that any criticism of his country’s insane pursuit of nuclear weapons would be considered a “declaration of war.”
In addition, the “Lard Ass Who Rules Over Starving Millions,” as he is sometimes called, issued a list of demands to the attendees of the upcoming Nuclear Security Summit. Refusal to meet any of the demands “will be cause for a nuclear rain of endless death upon the United States, South Korea, Europe, and in particular, Rush Limbaugh and Megyn Kelley of Fox News” although in a later statement, Kim Jong-un removed Kelly’s name from the list for nuclear annihilation because, as he stated, “I’d totally do her.”
Kim Jong-un’s non-negotiable demands include:
No one may make any reference the chubbiness, drab wardrobe, diminutive height, or sexual prowess of the Great Successor.
Mad Men or Downton Abbey cannot go on hiatus any longer than 3 months.
Tim Tebow has to replace Mark Sanchez as the starting quarterback for the New York Jets.
The North Korean soccer team must be allowed to win the 2014 World’s Cup.
Angelina Jolie has to adopt 5,000 North Korean children.
The McRib Sandwich must be available year round.
Export Kim Kardashian immediately to Pyongyang.
There can be no embargos on importing pornographic DVDs, Cheetos, or Starbucks Frappaccino’s for the Great Successor’s enjoyment.
In an even more alarming development, the U.S. State Department confirmed the rumor that Kim Jong-un had hired Karl Rove as an adviser and that Rove’s PAC in return is now in possession of multiple nuclear weapons.