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Santorum to Enroll in Remedial English Class


‘I am determined to make English my primary language,’ says Rick.

Santorum playfully acknowledged his propensity for "meter la pata" (translation:
putting his foot in his mouth) by shoving a sneaker in his "boca" (mouth) and giving
a speech that was more unintelligible than usual.

San Juan, Puerto Rico  |  GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum’s spokespeople are scrambling to explain exactly what Santorum meant when he said that speaking English was a requirement for Puerto Rican statehood and that Puerto Ricans had to learn English as their primary language when, in fact, there are no such requirements for statehood nor does the U.S. Constitution mandate English as the official language.

Profession Irwin Corey, widely acknowledged as "The World's Foremost Authority" and master of double talk, is rumored to be the new speechwriter and adviser to the Santorum Campaign.

Santorum’s misstatements, particularly about minority groups, continue to backfire. Earlier in his campaign he suggested that he didn’t want to give black people money but jobs. He later said that he didn’t say “black people” but “blah people.”

This reporter tried to contact the National Association for the Advancement of Blah People but discovered there is no such thing, leaving the exact meaning of Santorum’s disclaimer in doubt.

The Santorum campaign has hired a recently laid off English As A Second Language teacher from Wisconsin to help him learn to how to speak vaguely with more precision.

When it was discovered that Prof. Irwin Corey, master of double talk, had been hired as a speechwriter, the spokesperson abruptly ended the phone call saying, “I think I have made myself perfectly inconspicuous and need comment no furtherer.”

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2 Comments Post a comment
  1. Great article.

    It’s important for America to elect a President who has the intellectual qualifications for the job.

    Santorum doesn’t fit the bill.

    March 16, 2012
    • The people of Pennsylvania who dumped him the last time he ran for office would agree with you.

      March 16, 2012

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