Friday News Round Up!
Carnival Announces Two New Cruise Packages
Flushing, Florida | Having suffered two cruise line disasters in the last month, the beleaguered Carnival Cruise Line has announced two new cruises in hopes of reversing their sinking fortunes.
Veteran cruisers Alan and Alva Herndon of Asscrack, Tennessee said their time on the Costa Allegra was hellish. “Stale sandwiches, no air conditioning, no ice cubes for the tropical drinks, the place stank from all the backed up raw sewage, sleeping on deck — I thought I was in the Army again!” said Alan.
“But,” added Alva brightly, “I lost 25 pounds!”
“When I read the account of the Herdon couple, I knew we had a winning idea!” exclaimed Don Widden, Vice-President of New Calamities at Carnival. “People usually go on a cruise and eat like pigs non-stop at the all day buffets and hate themselves when they disembark. So we are announcing the new Mal de Mer Cruise. Our ships will serve carefully prepared swill, will deactivate the stabilizers, and deliberately cruise in rougher waters. You can pound down all the food you want but I guarantee you, it’ll be coming right back up! At the end of a one-week cruise, we predict the minimum amount of weight lost will be 15 pounds!
“Our other cruise – the Ben Hurl Cruise – will feature our new wind-and-oar powered trireme, the Neptune. No longer will you have to worry about power outages because there is no electricity on board. You will board, immediately remove your clothes, will be chained to an oar, and off you go! After a week of rowing night and day and sustaining yourself on slave rations, you will disembark fit as a fiddle, tanned, and toned. And, of course, sweaty!”
Carnival announced that the response to the two new cruises had been overwhelming, with bulimics from the LA area and fans of gladiator movies accounting for most of the bookings.
NRA Reveals Vertically-Integrated Shooting and Grief Conglomerate
Ohio | An investigative report has revealed that the National Rifle Association not only promotes gun ownership for zealous collectors, certifiable paranoids, white supremacists, and Santorum supporters hoping for the coming Armageddon but also owns a large portion of the burgeoning grief industry in the U.S.
A secret memo confirms that the NRA owns many of the coffin manufacturers providing an assortment of containers to bury the victims of senseless shooting incidents, owns and promotes training centers to train grief counselors who swarm like flies to the scenes of multiple murders, and much of the grief merchandise industry that sells plastic flowers, yellow ribbon, crosses, teddy bears, and other meaningless crap that grieving friends and relatives buy to expresses their loss.
An NRA spokesman, speaking anonymously for fear of being shot, said, “We’ve got this whole thing locked up tighter than a tick on a hound dog. We promote indiscriminate gun sales, which result in more murders, which result in more coffins and all the grief-related merch. We are rolling in dough! It’s funny, though. A son or daughter gets mowed down and instead of demanding some sensible gun laws, their relatives buy our teddy bears and go to grief counseling. Go figure!”
In a related development, Virginia, the scene of the handgun slaughter of 32 students and teachers at the Virginia Tech campus, repealed the law prohibiting the purchase of more than one gun in 30 days. “People need lots of guns, and more importantly, the gun industry is going to contribute millions to my political action committee,” crowed Governor Bob McDonnell.
‘Fat People are Revolting’ says Fat Assoc
Orlando, FL | Enraged obese people recently squashed an interactive exhibit at Disney’s Epcot Center. The exhibit promoted good eating habits and exercise as an antidote to being a fat slob.
Midge “Double Dip” Whalley — “It’s pronounced wa lee,” she pointed out — the spokesperson for the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance said the exhibit attached negative habits to fatsos, lard asses, and blimps.
Swigging from a quart bottle of Dr. Pepper and dipping into a one-pound bag of Cheetos, a somewhat breathless Ms. Whalley said that the news media reinforced stereotypes of fat tubs of lard who haunt all-you-can-eat buffets, keep bags of Oreos in their cars to snack on on their way to MacDonald’s, and whose only exercise is a walk to the kitchen.
“It was time for us to throw our weight around,” said Ms. Whalley, gesturing with her cheddar cheese-colored fingers, “so we formed this association. We say ‘No’ to heaping blame on the victim and piling on the guilt. Hey, do you mind helping me tie my sneaker?”
Judge Who Sent Racist Email Apologizes
Helena, Montana | Judge Richard Cebull, Montana’s chief federal judge, has admitted to forwarding an email containing a racist joke about bestiality and President Obama’s mother.
“I was only forwarding it to some of my old buddies, guys I used to burn crosses with. But it was in no way intended to be racist,” Cebull said.
“Whether they are kikes, spics, boofers, beaners, burrheads, camel jockies, wops, frogs, wogs, bogs, chinks, coons, dagos, greasers, heebs, redskins, krauts, nips, paddies, pakis, pickaninnies, polacks, crackers, peckerwoods, sheenies, sambos, sloopes, wetbacks, spearchuckers, towel heads, zips, or just your garden-variety bleeding heart liberal asshole, I treat everyone the same,” said Judge Cebull as he hung up his rain gear.