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Secret Religious Cabal Emerges From Shadows

New $8 billion PAC to support Santorum

Seen here trying to hypnotize people to vote for his favorite American Idol contestant, Satan issued a statement thanking GOP candidate Santorum for his support. "The phone has been ringing off the hook and recruitment is up 400% thanks to Rick's telling people how I'm attacking the U.S. Get thee behind me, Rick!""

Washington | In a development many liken to the plot of a Dan Brown novel, a shadowy ultra-conservative Catholic, proto-fascist, and still unknown group of donors issued a statement saying that it has endowed a PAC with $8 billion to support Rick Santorum’s crusade to ascend to the Presidency.

Although the donors remained shrouded in mystery, the name of the PAC is not: it is REpublicans Contributing To Unenlightened Morons or RECTUM.

The chief executive of RECTUM is defrocked former priest Father Guido Coglione, rumored to have indulged in a wide array of sexual adventures and whose nickname is Il Culattone (The Ass Bandit).

Asked why he had been chosen to administer the PAC’s funds, Coglione shrugged and said, “Who better to run an organization called RECTUM that a former priest?”

Santorum's contempt for President Obama's desire for any citizen to be able to get a college education has delighted morons, slackers, boomerang children, and the Republican base. Mitt Romney exclaimed, "Now I'll be able to hire born-and-bred Americans idiot to cut my grass!"

Coglione was also rumored to be connected to Opus Dei and to the Knights of Malta, organizations sometimes viewed suspiciously because of their secretive ways. Santorum is a supporter of Opus Dei and was invested as a Knight of Magisterial Grace of the Knights of Malta in a ceremony at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York on November 12, 2004.

The mission of RECTUM is to support blindly obedient, ultra-conservative Catholics who want to return to the middle ages and re-establish the dominant role of the Catholic Church in all aspects of life.

Coglione went on to clarify the term “unenlightened” in RECTUM’s name. “We look upon the Enlightenment and the Reformation as a huge cultural errors that cost the Catholic Church a hell of a lot of money in tithes, pardons, indulgences, and relic sales. Big wrong turn for Western Civilization. Rick’s the guy to turn back the clock on that one!”

Santorum makes no secret of his preferences. For instance, he recently issued a statement that reveals his desire to launch a new crusade:

“The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical. And that is what the perception is by the American Left who hates Christendom. . . What I’m talking about is onward American soldiers.”

Dismissing Protestantism in the U.S. as “in shambles” and “gone from the world of Christianity as I see it,” leaves Catholicism as the only path to righteousness and helps to explain Santorum’s open revulsion for gays, contraception, and anything resembling rational thought.

Santorum’s recently announced contempt for college education, despite his three degrees, harkens back to medieval days when the only educated people received both education and indoctrination from the Catholic Church.

As for Santorum’s pronouncements about Satan targeting the U.S., Coglione chuckled when he said, “Hey, no Satan — no Catholic Church, you know what I’m saying? Got to have Satan or you haven’t got a ball game!”

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