Santorum’s Italian Relatives Appalled
During séance, Pietro the coalminer calls grandson a ‘stronzo‘ and ‘idiota’
Riva del Garda, Italy | In developments that may have a decisive impact on Rick Santorum’s crusade to vanquish his opponents and ascend to the Presidency, his Italian relatives have revealed that the candidate’s Italian family, particularly his coalmining grandfather Pietro, were “red communists to the core,” according to the 83-year-old-Maria Malacarne Santorum.
Because Santorum likes to talk at length about his coalmining grandfather whose “hands dug freedom for me,” this reporter decided to conduct a séance to determine exactly what Pietro Santorum would think of his grandson’s political ideology.
The medium, who wished to remain anonymous fearing prosecution for witchcraft should Santorum be elected, had no trouble at all contacting Pietro. “This is one cranky spirit!” the medium exclaimed.
“First of all, this stronza (idiot) has brought disonore (disgrace) to the name Santorum,” said Pietro’s spirit. “My brothers and I fought fascism and against the power of the church which supported Mussolini and for the poor people! This pezzo de cretino (stupid fool) is for everything I fought against! I piss on his politics!
“Does this idiota think I wanted to work in this fottuta (expletive) mine? I had to work in the maldetto miniera de carbone (cursed coal mine) because I lacked an education! Now this Rick says education is for snobs? I’ll tell you, education is too good for some people.”
At this point, smoke started coming out of the medium’s ears and he broke off contact with the spirit.
In a related development, Penn State, the University of Pittsburgh, and Dickinson School of Law all revoked the degrees that Santorum had received. “We wanted to spare him the embarrassment of appearing to be a snob,” said a Dickinson spokesperson.