Four GOP Candidates Sign ‘The Wayback Pledge’
‘Sherman, set the Wayback Machine for 1946!’
Colostomy, Arizona | After weeks of behind-the-scenes negotiations by staff members and the candidates themselves, all four GOP contenders took the stage at the Liverspot and Bypass Retirement Community Center to announce unanimous agreement on The Wayback Pledge that will reset the dial on American morals, values, business, and finance to 1946.
At the press conference, each candidate took turns explaining what it was about 1946 that he liked so much.
“You don’t have to be a PhD in history and be really, really smart like I am to know that in 1946, gas was only $.27 a gallon. I promise you today that if I’m elected President, we’ll return to the golden era of cheap gas, sloppily-engineered Detroit cars, and no Japanese imports making U.S. cars look bad!” bellowed Newt Gingrich.
When asked how he was going to ensure such cheap gas, he simply said, “We’ll take it!”
As Callista Gingrich’s thunderous applause died down, Rick Santorum stood behind the podium and said, “I know most of you here remember — at least those of you who still know who you are — that in 1946, abortions were illegal everywhere in the U.S. If a woman got an abortion, she died — end of story!”
Waving cheerily as he left the dais, Santorum handed the microphone to Ron Paul who said, “I’d have preferred 1800, but at least in 1946, most blacks still couldn’t vote and businesses were freer to inflict any damage or fraud on the public that they wanted to. But heroin was still illegal and if I’m elected, you’ll be able to go into any drugstore and score a bag of China White!”
As Paul left the stage to scattered applause, Mitt Romney bounded onto the stage. “This is a great day in America, isn’t it? Don’t you just love America? I know I do! I’m severely in love with America!” he gushed. “And I love Arizona! I love its deserts, I love its verdant 18-hole golf courses that inexplicably speckle the desert landscape! I love the little pitch and putt golf courses too!
“And I love America’s guns! Think of it — in 1946 there were almost no laws restricting gun ownership! The chances of electing a Negro President back then? Zero! And here’s some good news for all you business owners: in 1946, the minimum wage was 40 cents an hour! The U.S was the mightiest country in the world and if anyone got in our way, we’d wipe them off the face of the earth! No apologies needed in 1946! If you elect me President, we’ll return to those days of America the Beautiful with a gun and a Negro maid in every household!”
The White House was unable to issue a response because Press Secretary Jay Carney had laughed himself unconscious and was begin treated at Georgetown University Hospital.
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