Santorum’s Translation App Backfires
But Santorum relieved that ‘The truth is finally out.’
Dip Stick, Michigan | In an effort to make his righteous rhetoric more palatable to independent voters and voters who occasionally think from time to time, Rick Santorum authorized a translation app — the RickApp — that could be downloaded from his Web site. When one of Santorum’s inflammatory statements is typed into the app, it was supposed to produce a soothingly bland translation of the candidate’s sometimes preposterous positions.
But instead, the RickApp backfired, translating Santorum’s prickly pronouncements into even more incendiary rhetoric. Instead of disowning the app, Santorum asserted that the translations reflect what he’s wanted to say all along. “No more filtering for me!” the candidate exclaimed when told of the misfiring RickApp.
Here are a series of Santorumisms in their original form and as translated by the RickApp.
On Satan, 2008
“Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has so deeply rooted in the American tradition.”
RickApp translation: “Barak Obama is Satan, okay? Got it? How many times do I have to say it? He is destroying America.”
On contraception, October 2011
“One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is the dangers of contraception. . . Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s OK; contraception is OK. It’s not OK. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”
RickApp translation: “I will require that every women in the United States have a monitoring device implanted in her vagina that will alert authorities when contraception of any kind is used. Violators will be subject to on-the-spot inspection, arrest, and prosecution.”
On Protestantism, 2008
“. . .mainline Protestantism in this country. . . is a shambles, it’s gone from the world of Christianity as I see it.”
RickApp translation: “Let’s put it this way. When I’m President, it’ll be fish sticks on Fridays again for everyone — no exceptions!”
On black people and welfare, 2011
“I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them somebody else’s money; I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn the money.”
RickApp translation: “I didn’t call them “blah” people. I said it right the first time. No more freeloading blacks on welfare when I’m President. If they can’t get a job, we’ll hand them a shovel and say ‘What’s your dirt doin’ in my ditch?’ ”
On the environment, February 2012
“…we’re not here to serve the Earth. The Earth is not the objective. Man is the objective.”
RickApp translation: “As your President. I will eliminate all environmental regulations, appoint the President of British Petroleum as Secretary of Drilling, sell all the state parks to the highest bidder, and imprison Smokey the Bear, have all environmentalist groups audited, and bring back leaded gas! Oh, and by the way, screw you, Galileo!”