Boston University Hockey Team Surges Ahead in Thuggery
Lacrosse players no longer seen as most thuggish
Boston, MA | In what is seen as a dramatic uplift for college ice hockey, the Boston University Terriers now have two players under indictment for alleged criminal behavior. One player was arraigned for rape and another charged with forcing his way into another student’s room and groping her.
Both legendary hockey coach Jack Parker and BU’s director of athletics were away on a recruiting trip to Russian prisons, but a university spokesman, on the condition of anonymity, said that these incidents would have a major positive effect on recruiting.
“Time after time, we have tried to recruit loutish, belligerent, thuggish athletes for the hockey team only to lose them to lacrosse teams. These arraignments will put Boston University back where it belongs — as the leader in recruiting hockey players who are vicious, arrogant hooligans. I predict that within the next few years, we’ll be able to attract the kind of players that will win BU the national championship!”
When asked about Boston University’s hockey program as being an incubator for hockey goons who revel in drunken, destructive behavior, the spokesperson replied, “And your question is what exactly?”