Mitt Romney Declares His 10 Unswervingly Conservative Principles
But full-page ad raises more questions than it answers
Detroit, MI | After enduring a relentless barrage of criticism from right-wing pundits for his lack of an authentic commitment to conservatism, Mitt Romney took out a full-page ad in the Detroit Free Press in which he laid out his core conservative principles.
Although Romney has been campaigning for almost six years, he still has not been able to establish a reliable political persona that voters can identify with any clarity.
“I hope that this declaration of my ten conservative beliefs, principles, learnings, and teachings will demonstrate that I have lived a life that is testimony to core conservative principles because there is one thing and one thing only that is closest to my heart and that is conservatism and those who – ” at which point, one of Mr. Romney’s handlers put his hand over the microphone, and was distinctly heard to say, “For Christ’s sake, Mitt shut the (expletive) up!” Mr. Romney smiled sheepishly and waved good-bye to the small group of reporters.
Just before the newspaper hit the streets, this reporter received an advanced copy of Romney’s conservative manifesto, given to us by a Romney operative wishing to remain anonymous because, as he put it, “the way things are going, I may have to covert to Catholicism, if you get my drift.”
The text of the full-page ad follows:
My 10 Unswervingly Conservative Beliefs, Principles, Learnings, and Teachings
by Mitt Romney, Candidate for President of the United States and Job Creator
1. I have always believed in being pro life and pro choice and declare my rock-solid devotion to this principle.
2. I have been a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association for over 5 years and will always support a woman’s right to bear arms.
3. I have always believed that poor people have the right to be poor and that rich people have a right to go to their country club and play tennis or golf, whichever they so choose. These are rights that are derived from God. My overarching goal, based on solid conservative principles, is to ensure that the poor stay poor and the rich stay rich and that the middle class remains just that — stuck in the middle – not too rich and not too poor but just right. I call it the Goldilocks Principle and will defend it until my dying breath.
4. As a job creator, I have learned that you have to be a job destroyer from time to time and to that end, yes, I have fired people and I like firing people. When I was a third grader, I tried to have my liberal, card-carrying union member teacher fired, and I yield to no conservative in my zeal to fire a lot more people when I am President of the United States.
5. Many conservatives go on and on about how they’re pro lifers. Well, my Mormon great-grandparents were pro wifers. ’Nuff said!
6. I’m as American as a car made in Detroit. In fact, my father was President of the American Motors Corporation that gave America such terrific cars as the Matador, the Gremlin, and the Pacer. Chrysler bought AMC and rigorously applied my father’s management and production principles, contributing directly to Chrysler’s bankruptcies and not one but two government bailouts in 1979 and 2008. This story illustrates why we need a businessman in the White House.
7. It is a rock-solid conservative principle that citizens of the United States should be responsible for their own lives. If you can’t make enough money to purchase health insurance, get a job. If there’s a war and you don’t want to go, get a religious exemption like I did. If you’re rich and want low taxes on unearned income, get a lobbyist to rewrite the law. America has always been about gumption, personal initiative, and was founded on the principles of sexual, gender, racial, social, and economic inequality. As President, I will promote A New Era of Inequality on a scale never before seen in the history of this great country.
It is with Principle Seven that Romney’s Ten Principles ends, mid-page. When contacted, the Romney campaign issued a terse statement saying that Mr. Romney was working on coming up with other conservative principles that he will defend with his dying breath but for the time being, seven was all he could think of.
In other developments, Rick Santorum restated his belief that victims of incest should not be permitted by law to have an abortion but should be forced to give birth. “Look at it this way, we keep the family together and the kid gets a two-for-one: his dad is also his granddad!”