Mitt Romney To Sing Nat’l Anthem at Super Bowl
Las Vegas Scrambles for New Odds on Prop Bets
Las Vegas | In an announcement that has stunned the sports and betting world, NFL officials confirmed that Mitt Romney will be singing the National Anthem at Super Bowl XLVI.
Rather than offering substantive policy ideas in his speeches recently, Romney has taken to reciting the verses of America the Beautiful and then, in later appearances, singing them. After a recent glitter bombing incident, a sparkly but still game Romney led the crowd in a verse of the song, and that, apparently, is what decided NFL officials.
“We saw that video and were just knocked out by his courage under pressure!” exclaimed one NFL insider who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean the guy can’t sing a note but he doesn’t (expletive) up the words like Aguilera did or look like some kind of demented gargoyle like Tyler. Mitt’s people say he’s solid on the Anthem’s words and the fact that he can’t sing will appeal to 90% of the American public who don’t know the (expletive) words anyway and who can’t carry a tune in a bucket. People can relate to Mitt!”
Kelly Clarkson, who was originally scheduled to perform the Anthem, was in seclusion after learning she had been dumped. Her publicist commented that she was inconsolable, that she had spent two weeks learning the words to the Anthem, and that she expected compensation for her efforts.
Las Vegas oddsmakers have scrambled to come up with new proposition bets as to how long it will take Romney to sing the Anthem. “We have no idea where to peg the over and under time for this jamoke,” said Jimmy “Fish Lips” Giancana. “What a (expletive) (expletive) (expletive)!”
In other developments, an NFL official, speaking on background, admitted that the NFL had reached out to Vatican experts in Latin to translate the Roman numerals designating this year’s Super Bowl. “No one here has any idea what the these Xs, Ls, and Vs add up to,” said the official. “In return for the Vatican’s help, the Pope has requested that we have the Saints and Cardinals play an opening day game in St. Peter’s Square next year.”