Republican’s Cite Ignorance as #1 Goal for 2012
Washington | Prior to Congress reconvening, Republican donors, lobbyists, Fox News executives, and governors met secretly at the Koch Brothers retreat in Vail, Colorado.
The result was a unanimous agreement to support ignorance as the number one conservative value. In a transcript of the proceedings obtained by this reporter and confirmed by several of the attendees, Scott Walker, Governor of Wisconsin, and John Kasich, Governor of Ohio, both received standing ovations for defunding public education from kindergarten to state universities.
“For Pete’s sake, I’m dumber than a sack of door knobs and it hasn’t hurt my career one bit! A uninformed citizenry is the number one ally of plutocracy!” said Kasich to wild acclaim.
Echoing Kasich’s position on ignorance, Scott Walker added, “Just look at the surge in ignorance in Iowa alone and you’ll know I’m telling the truth! Cain, Bachmann, Santorum, South Carolina voters — these dipsticks are living proof that ignorance is a core Republican value! As for Rick Perry, there are limits to stupidity, even for Republicans.”
Hailed as the godfather of the Ignorance Initiative, Karl Rove once again repeated his dictum that the more education people have, the greater their tendency to embrace progressive ideas. “Look, if we can keep limiting school curricula, teaching creationism, and discrediting science, we can get those dumb assholes to believe anything!”
By far the greatest applause was reserved for Roger Ailes, president of the ironically named News Corporation. Ailes was carried into the auditorium in a sedan chair by a cohort of scantily-clad blonde Fox News anchors and deposited in front of the podium. “We’ve got a fight on our hands! The Democrats are once again resorting to fact-slinging and smearing us with logical arguments!
“Fox News is proud of the fact that in a recent poll, those who consistently watch Fox News knew less about the what’s actually happening in the world than people who don’t watch any news at all. That’s a huge win for ignorance, and I promise you Fox News will remain in the forefront of making U.S. citizens stone, cold stupid!”