Newt Says His Junk Is Superior to Other Candidates’
Last night’s debate produced yet another twist in the Newt Gingrich saga.
In an effort to garner more of the Christian conservative vote, Rick Santorum claimed that he was not only morally fit to be the conservative standard bearer but that he was far more physically fit than the overweight and flabby 68 year old Newt Gingrich, who was wheezing loudly after climbing the three stairs to get on the stage.
“Not only am I able to play 45 uninterrupted minutes of basketball,” said Santorum thumping his chest, “but afterwards, I go home and make passionate, Christian love to my wife. I think that the Speaker would probably drop dead if he tried that, so I ask you, Why would you want to vote for a guy who is so grossly overweight and out of condition that he’ll probably keel before he’s able to give his Inauguration Speech?”
Gingrich responded immediately, his head swelling ominously with excess hot air. “Look here, Mr. Sanatorium, while I was married to my second wife, I carried on a six year affair with my mistress. As the old blues song goes, I had two trains running, and they was a-runnin’ all night long. Try that sometime, you sanctimonious prick!”
Cautioned to remain civil by the CNN host John King, Gingrich lashed out that once again the elite media was trying to silence a great conservative thinker. “I’ll put my junk up against anyone’s junk on this stage, including yours, King!”
When Gingrich was asked how he felt about Jon Stewart labeling him as The Freaker of the Spouse, Gingrich replied cryptically, “We’ll deal with Mr. Stewart when I’m President.”