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IKEA Shopping Bingo

Should you be so foolish as to go shopping at IKEA on a weekend, try playing IKEA Bingo to while away your time as you shuffle from one department to the next, your progress impeded by the thousands of shoppers who are invading your personal space and whose fetid air you are rebreathing.

For each item sighted or experienced, add or subtract points to your total. Be honest now!

Young couple     1 point

Young couple, speaking unidentifiable language     1.5 points

Young couple, positively identified as
Indian, Chinese, Russian, Ukrainian, Bangladeshi     2 bonus pointsPregnant woman

Young couple, wife pregnant, 3rd trimester     
3 points

Young couple, pregnant wife’s water breaks
in Kitchen Showroom      10 points

Gay/lesbian couple     3 points

Committed gay/lesbian couple (must be wearing
matching wedding rings)      5 points

Mother with three children under 6 years old,
all running amok in the Mattress Showroom     4 points

Mother squeezing ill-behaved child’s arm so hard
that it leaves a visible mark     8 points

Screaming child whose parents have
abandoned him/her in a bin of soft toys     10 points

For each time someone sneezes or coughs
practically on you for Christ’s sake, add     2 points

Chinese or Indian family of at least 7.
Must include a father, mother, 3 children,
and 2 grandparents     5 points

Chinese or Indian family, as above,
and for each additional relative, add     2 bonus points

Chinese or Indian family, as above,
who are shopping in the direction opposite
to the gigantic black arrows on the floor
and who are oblivious to the fact that
they are fucking up everything
for everyone around them     4 bonus points

Mother, father, and college-age girl,
at check out,with a caravan of at least
5 carts, filled to the brim, so that
Olivia/Sophia/Madison/ Abigail/Chloe
will lack for nothing      8 points

Anyone who buys one of those gigantic,
ugly, chrome lamps that you have never seen
anywhere but at IKEA     5 points

Large pile of cardboard in a parking space,
left by some asshole who decided to remove
everything he bought from of the shipping
boxes and couldn’t be bothered to
recycle it like you always do, add     6 points

For correctly guessing the exact number
of IKEA golf pencils in the glove compartment
of your car, add     3 points

For each of the following items you can correctly
identify in English, add     2 points
fårtorp   glørby   nürgla   fatsø   troglmoof

For each time you have looked at one of those
model 200 square foot, cleverly furnished
“apartments,” which are actually replicas
of the cells at minimum security Federal prisons,
and thought, “I could live there,” subtract     2 points

For each time you have yearned
desperately that the IKEA cafeteria
sold beer and vodka, subtract     1 point

For each time you have taken
one of those shortcuts and wound up
in a department that you can’t remember if
you’ve already gone through or not, subtract     2 points

For each time you have a thought similar to,
“Why the hell can’t they just call
a curtain rod a fucking curtain rod
instead of a Skuggig, subtract     3 points

For each time you go through the cafeteria line
more than twice for additional portions of
the little Swedish meatballs and French fries,
subtract     5 points

For each time you have gone shopping at IKEA
on a weekend and said to yourself, “I will
never do this again,” subtract     5 points

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