Obama Shocks Press Corps with Practical Joke
Washington | Making a surprise visit to the White House Press Room, President Obama unleashed a salty tirade against the Republicans, with the GOP candidates and the Tea Party the target of specific criticism. Perhaps most shocking of all was the wig and false moustache he donned to emphasize his points.
“You know, Michelle and I have been called everything from Muslim terrorists to angry black racists who hate white people. So I thought, ‘What if I really was an angry black radical who had somehow managed to get elected President of the United States?’ Well, I think it would go something like this.”
At this point, the President turned his back, put on a wig, false moustache and soul patch, and turned around to face his stunned audience.
“Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the 44th President of the United States, H. Rap 37X Hussein Obamacare. Yeah!”
“Do any of you here ever get tired?” he asked the bewildered press corps. “I’ll bet you do. You work hard don’t you, trying to do the right thing, and every day your load gets heavier, and every single f*cking day, some son of a b*tch comes along and dumps another load of bullsh*t on you. I know you get tired! And I am here to testify to you today, that I am getting very sick and goddamed tired, brothers and sisters, and my load of bullsh*t is getting very, very heavy! I wake up in the morning, and I say to myself, ‘H. Rap 37X, are you going to be able to shoulder that load?’
“But you know what, brothers and sisters? At a certain point, I get tired of being tired and accused and brought down by that crowd of small minded, itey whitey, black-hating, name-calling, poll-taxing, Tea Partying, voter-identifying racist mother f*ckers, and I say to myself, ‘H. Rap 37X Hussein Obamacare, why are they the only ones who get to be angry? When is it your chance to be angry? When do you get to call them out for what they are?’ Can I get a witness?
At this point, an overexcited reporter from the Wall Street Journal stood up and shouted out, “Yes brother!” but was quickly pulled back into his seat by fellow reporters.
“How many people of color you see at those Tea Party rallies? How many people who look like me you see at those dumb ass debates? Tea Party? Sheeeee-it! One hour after I got elected and hadn’t done one goddamned thing, they were already dressing up like they’s Paul Revere and Betsy Ross. Know why they like all that colonial sh*t? ‘Cause if they had lived back then, they could own slaves, that’s why!
“I’m announcing some changes, starting today. First of all, Michelle’s vegetable garden is now a great big watermelon patch on the front lawn. I mean big! You’ll be able to see it from outer space! On the South Lawn, we’ve set loose some free range chickens who won’t need any identification cards because they are free chickens, know what I’m sayin’?
“Just to show that I have an open mind, I have signed an executive order – yeah! – an eee-zec-kyoo-tive order to fund creationism! But at any school that teaches creationism, all the students have to take mandatory classes in Ebonics. How you like them apples!
“Know where the Republican platform is? It’s on the backs of the working people of this country! And it’s getting just a little too heavy for the rest of us! Might be time to take that platform apart, piece by piece, board by board and do something useful with it. How ‘bout we build some affordable housing with that platform? How about we build some new bridges? How about building a high-speed rail system! But they don’t want that! They like their platform where it is – keeping the rest of us down!
“Yeah! Republican idea of helping the troubled, sick, and poor is to tell them, ‘Why didn’t you get born into a family where your daddy was the head of American Motors? Why can’t you get a lobbyist to give you a couple of million bucks like Santorum and Gingrich? What’s the matter with you – why couldn’t you be born white? Maybe you’ll get lucky next time around, sucka!’
At this point, the President paused, took off the wig, moustache, and patch, and looked at his utterly flabbergasted audience.
“Now you know, I was just having a little fun with you. Come on now, you can take a joke, can’t you? Santorum and his blah people, and Ron Paul with all that racist stuff, Gingrich making kids into janitors, Niggerhead, and the Mormon Church’s record with people of color – you’ve forgotten all that, right? I figure if you all can forgive all that, then you won’t mind me having a little fun with you today. And just to show there’s no hard feelings, you’re all invited to lunch. We be serving chicken wings’n’things, pork rinds, chitterlings, potato salad, collards, and watermelon for dessert.”