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Cable TV summaries of the GOP candidates’ biographical films


Newt reacts to the disappointing news that his second wife doesn't have terminal cancer.

The Newt Gingrich Story
A heart-warming tale of a young, impoverished, yet pluckily arrogant Georgian who achieved the pinnacle of education when he received his Ph.D. in history. Not content with haranguing bored undergraduates, Newt entered politics and fought his way to the Speakership of the House, only to have his GOP colleagues dump him for his mismanagement, serial infidelities, a jealousy-fueled crush on Bill Clinton, his inexhaustible supply of creepy self-regard, and a lack of ethics that even offended future jailbird Tom DeLay. Despite his fall from grace, he used his political access to rake in millions for his non-lobbying lobbying and has gone on to become wealthy as all get out. He now vies for the Presidency of the United States.

The Mitt Romney Story

Romney calculating the number of idiotic things he said last week.

A heart-warming tale of a young, wealthy, privileged, good-looking Mormon who, instead of spending his two years as a missionary teaching underprivileged children to read or building schools in Africa, lived in a small palace in Paris and worked hard to convince 200 befuddled French people to become Mormons. After receiving his law and MBA degrees from Harvard, he started at the bottom of the venture capital world, every day having to worry about getting pink slipped and possibly having to start over as a Vice President for the Mormon-owned Marriott Corporation. Buckling down, he overcame adversity to rake in millions of dollars and become even wealthier than all get out. He now vies for the Presidency of the United States.

Governor Perry in a reflective moment.

The Rick Perry Story
The heart-warming tale of a young, good-looking, racist redneck from the heart of Texas who fought his way to the pinnacle of power – the governorship of Texas. Not content with cutting education budgets, shelling out government contracts to his pals, and cutting funding to the first responders who could have put out Texas’s wildfires, he set off on his quest for even higher office. Too dumb to rake in millions of dollars and become wealthy as all get out, he is nonetheless vying for the Presidency of the United States.

The John Huntsman Story
The heart-warming tale of yet another young, wealthy, privileged, good-looking Mormon, who benefited from his father’s timely discovery of the Styrofoam clamshell container used extensively by the U.S. fast food industry and now swelling landfills worldwide. Not content to actually help people by spending his two years as a missionary teaching underprivileged children to read or building schools in Africa, he instead lived comfortably in Taiwan and worked hard to convince 200 befuddled Taiwanese to become Mormons. Refusing to be just another good-looking, incredibly rich Mormon, over the course of ten minutes, he fought his way to the pinnacle of his father’s corporation, raked in millions of dollars and became wealthy as all get out – not as wealthy as Mitt Romney but still, pretty goddamned wealthy. Growing bored with running Utah – and who wouldn’t? – he is now vying for the Presidency of the United States.

The Rick Santorum Story

Santorum has hinted that he'd seriously consider running for Pope.

The heart-warming tale of a young religious zealot, just as obnoxious and bigoted as in his high school days, who fought his way to the pinnacle of the U.S. Senate only to be thrown out of office by the largest electoral margin in Pennsylvania history. Down but not out, he picked himself and leveraged his political access to rake in millions of dollars. He has gone on to become wealthy as all get out and now vies for the Presidency of the United States.

Heroin and crack addicts cheer on Ron Paul as he announces his policy of legalizing all drugs.

The Ron Paul Story
The heart-warming tale of a homely, racist granddad, who, had he been in Congress in 1941, would have been happy letting Hitler take over Europe because “what goes on in Europe is none of our beeswax!” A feisty representative from a county in Texas, which is clearly composed of dipsticks as racist as he is, Grandad Ron hates all forms of government, particularly the one that gave his a paycheck while he served in the Air Force Service and in Congress, favors unrestricted sales of guns and heroin – and who doesn’t? – and apparently hates using his position in Congress to rake in millions and become incredibly wealthy. For reasons that surpasseth understanding, this vicious crank is now vying for the Presidency of the United States.

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