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Jihad for Idiots


A Texas man, accused of trying to smuggle classified documents out of the country, admitted that he had been in touch with U.S.-born Muslim militant cleric. al-Awaki had responded by emailing him a terrorist manifesto entitled “42 Ways of Supporting Jihad.”

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LIttle bombSubject: Sign me up!

Dear Mr. Anwar:

Thank you for sending the “42 Ways.” They are totally awesome! But as you may remember from living here, it’s a lot easier for us deal with shorter lists, like Top Ten Ways to Score With a MILF or Seven Best Handguns for Shooting Stop Signs – stuff like that. I was wondering if you could pick your 7 favorite ways to create terror and email them to me.

Yours in terror,

“X”

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Subject: Jihad is not easy

Dear X,

The way of jihad does not have short cuts. I am disappointed that you find a list of 42 field-tested ways of creating terror too burdensome. I recommend that you spend more time in study and contemplate the list seriously. And please, simply call me Anwar, not Mr. Anwar. Keep me informed of your progress.

Death to the infidels,

Anwar

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Subject: Idiot’s Guide to Jihad

Dear Anwar,

I really want to do what you say but I’m still having trouble with the 42 ways and seeing how they are going to terrorize people. For instance, number two on your list is “Praying to Allah to award you with martyrdom.” How is this going to terrorize anyone? Likewise with number 27: “Developing the Aqeedah of Walaa’ and Baraa’.” I have no fuckin’ idea what that’s about. I guess I was hoping for more practical, day-to-day terrifying stuff I can do to help out with global jihad. Any ideas?

YiT ,

“X”

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Subject: One way to support jihad

Dear X,

I fear that you are missing the point. Jihad is a way of life and not a To Do list to be accomplished between shopping for groceries and buying useless items at the mall. But since you are having trouble dealing with the more spiritual aspects of jihad, let me suggest this easy-to-do approach. First send an anonymous letter to the authorities saying a secret Muslim terrorist cell has declared holy war on your town. Then acquire a quantity of high explosive, such as Semtex, strap it to your body, and enter a nearby government building, and blow yourself up. That will sow the seeds of terror! I look forward to news of your success.

Death etc,

Anwar

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Subject: Whoa there pardner!

Dear Anwar,

First of all, where the hell am I going to get some Semtex? It’s not like they sell it at Walmart, know what I’m sayin’? Plus the only government building around here is the post office and they just closed it. There’d only be one casualty – me. I was thinking of starting out with terroristic baby steps. For instance, I had this great idea of buying a bunch of those plastic cockroaches that they sell in joke shops down here and running into a Big Texan Steak Ranch or Taco Bell during lunch rush and throwing a coupla handfuls of those suckers inside and then taking off! They’d be stampeding outta there! Then I’d call it in to the cops later. What do you think?

YiT,

X

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Subject: Jihad is not for you

X,

You are a silly person who has no idea what is involved in being a dedicated jihadi. You are wasting my time. Please do not write to me anymore. I am defriending you on my Facebook page. Go away.

Anwar

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Subject: FU2!

Anwar,

They told me when I was recruited that you had a major attitude issues! You are def not a people person and with jerks like you running things, jihad is headed for an epic fail. Thanks for nothing.

X

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One Comment Post a comment
  1. Dan #

    I love this. Certainly, anyone who has a top 42 is from a country long on attention span and short on things to do. So the edit is definitely in order. I have a number of stool-softening terror techniques, but they involve paying my energy, health care and grocery bills. Which make me want to blow myself into another time zone.

    January 17, 2012

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