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Supreme Being Calls Press Conference Over GOP Candidates

James Brown, Mr. Please Please Please Himself

Supreme Being appeared as legendary soul shouter James Brown

New York City  |  Taking human form as the Godfather of Soul James Brown, the Supreme Being spoke, sang, and boogalooed his way through an unusual press conference held at the legendary Apollo Theater in Harlem. His Performance was accompanied by members of Mr. Brown’s superb bands, The Famous Flames and the JBs, who provided their customary tight musical counterpoint to Brown/God’s non-stop, dynamic performance.

To the familiar opening funky notes of I Feel Good, Brown/God, dressed in form fitting electric blue, crushed velvet tux, skittered smoothly on one foot to the microphone to speak and sing his opening statement.

“Is everyone feeling all right?” he shouted to the mostly white crowd of reporters and news crews. Receiving a weak response from the uncertain crowd, Brown/God shouted, “I said, is everyone feeling all right?” Receiving a more enthusiastic reply, He nodded to the band, which began pumping out a funky pulse.

“I’m glad you feeling all right, but I’m not feeling all right, brothers and sisters. No I’m not! There comes a time when you’ve got to speak out, when there’s injustice, when there’s trouble in the land, and when there’s just too many dumb GOP crackers talking ‘bout how they got a direct line to Me, know what I’m sayin’?”

At this point, Brown/God spun around, tipped the microphone stand so that it slowly fell towards the floor, caught it on the tip of his shoe, flicked it upright, and without missing a beat, continued speaking.

“You got that whitey tighty Santorum saying he came in second by the grace of God. Got news for you, Rick. You survived because they’s a lot of dumb racist crackers in Iowa just as dumb and racist as you. Can ya dig it?”

“And Ron Paul? Sheee-it. Listen to what he wrote: ‘I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in DC are semi-criminal or entirely criminal.’ All that honky needs is a white hood. Eeeeeeeeeee yow!”

The band quickly switched into Brown’s hit (Say It Loud) I’m Black and I’m Proud and Brown/God broke a sweat singing and dancing across the stage. Returning to the microphone, he did the splits and continued.

“Now, that Bachmann talks a lot of shit, but taking care of those kids, that’s okay. She just needs to go home and stop talkin’. And Perry, that dumb white cracker mofo thinks he talks to Me, but he’s talkin’ to hisself ‘cause I got a block on his calls. Yeah!”

Shouting a countdown to the band, Brown/God then brought the rhythmically-challenged audience to its feet with a few verses of the R and B anthem Cold Sweat. During the drummer’s break, Brown/God shouted out, “Newt Gingrich is a scary dude. He’s out for Newt. Got to give Newt the boot! ‘Scuse me while I do the boogaloo!”

“Now we got Mitt! Yeah! Mormon’s got a history of being all right if you’re all white! Get down! You black, you got to get back! You see any brown faces at Bain? No sir! Now Cain – the man’s a funked up sex machine! Uuuhhh Good God! Get home Herman, your wife’s callin’ ya!”

By this point in the press conference, the normally reserved press corps was responding to Brown/God’s every gesture with screams of adulation and  clapping almost in time.

“I got to go now! I got to go! But y’all remember, you got free will, but that don’t mean you got to be dumb. Don’t be no fool, stay in school! Yeah! Take me out!” With the Famous Flames and the JBs reaching a crescendo, Brown/God danced off the stage. As he was toweling off backstage prior to dematerializing, this reporter managed to asked Him why he chose to reappear as James Brown.

“It’s one thing to be the Supreme Being, but honey, ain’t no one dance like James Brown – never did, never will. Why be omnipotent if ya can’t have some fun!”

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