Gingrich Challenges Other Candidates on Marriage
‘It’s simple math: I have three, they have one each! I win!’
New York | Caught by reporters as he was exiting Tiffany’s in New York City, Newt Gingrich fired off a number of baffling and incendiary remarks.
“Who better to endorse the marriage pledge than me – a three time loser!” chuckled an ebullient Gingrich as he twirled a large aqua blue Tiffany shopping bag. The pledge as crafted by Iowa evangelical right wingers, requires candidates to block same-sex marriage, refuse to allow women in forward combat roles, and to remain faithful to their spouses.
“My fellow candidates have only been married once each. How is that supporting marriage? I’ll marry anyone who finds me even remotely attractive. I love marriage! I think I have enough bullets left in my pistol for five or six more!”
Clearly in an expansive mood, Gingrich also commented on the upcoming progress report on the search for the Higgs boson — infamously known as the “God particle” — whose discovery would vindicate the modern theory of how elementary particles get mass.
“Don’t be surprised if the God particle looks a lot like me,” confided Gingrich to the swarm of reporters. “It’s obvious to anyone with a brain, which none of you reporters has. But to a Ph.D. such as myself, the facts are clear: How does a fat serial adulterer, who has the nerve to convert to Catholicism, who was fined $300,000 for ethics violations, who shut down the government because he jealous of Bill Clinton, whose was tossed out the of leadership position in the House by his fellow Republicans, who lobbies for organizations he then condemns, who has taken dozens of contradictory political positions — how does a guy with all this baggage become a front runner? It’s a miracle, that’s how. I am entirely composed of God particles!”
Just as he eased into a waiting limo, a reporter asked him why he converted to Catholicism, given his history of adultery.
“Are you kidding? I finally joined a church as corrupt as I am!” he shouted as his limo disappeared into heavy mid-town traffic.