Newt and Callista Cashing In On Candidacy
Dynamic duo announce new line of clothing and sexual instruction DVDs
Despite some not-so-veiled criticism from Republican operatives and commentators, Newt Gingrich and his ever-present third wife Callista are building a merchandise empire designed to benefit from his surging candidacy.
In addition to his many books, Gingrich flogs coffee cups, t-shirts, his wife’s childrens’ books, and their DVDs at all of his appearances. All of the profits go personally to the Gingriches and not to fund his dramatically underfunded campaign.
But even his most ardent supporters raised their eyebrows when Newt introduced his new line of suits and casual wear, specifically designed to flatter the “successful lobbyist’s figure.” Called Newt’s Sewts, the clothing line is cut to minimize the extra weight put one by “non-stop drinking, carousing at four star restaurants, and schmoozing with lobbyists from Wall Street and big pharma. To make donations easier, all the pockets are extra large for holding checks and currency. And the zippers have an extra generous opening for those special, unexpected moments!”
“All those one hundred dollar bills can really make you look dumpy. My suits solve that problem once and for all,” says a beaming Gingrich in an online ad.
The biggest surprise was yet to come. Just yesterday, Newt sought to capitalize on his popularity with serial womanizers and adulterers by announcing a line of sexual instruction DVDs in which he stars with Callista. “We thought it was time to give a voice to the conservatives out there who not only love to have sex with as many partners as possible like my friend Herman Cain but to also show that conservatives aren’t a bunch of stogy old killjoys like Mitt, Rick, and that pathetic sad sack Santorum. Why should Barney Frank and Bill Clinton have all the fun?”
The reaction from mainline Republicans was immediate and negative. “I had just returned from a big lunch at The Palm when one of my staffers called me over to his computer to watch Newt’s DVD on how to perform a dirty sanchez. I hurled my entire lunch and most of my breakfast into the trashcan,” remarked Karl Rove. “Newt has hit a new low.”
In response to the outpouring of disgust and dismay, Gingrich shrugged. “I am a cultural teacher.* Why limit my merchandise to bad-selling historical novels and children’s books about elephants? And stay tuned: there are plenty of newer and even lower lows coming!”
Although Mrs. Gingrich usually avoids public comment, she mistakenly spoke on the record at a recent event. “Yeah, Newt kinda looks like a Serbian war criminal, but let me tell you, I forgot all about it the first time we were alone in his congressional office. When I saw all those checks lying around on his desk, it just made me so hot! And it’s not like wife number two had cancer or anything gross like wife number one had. Plus, he made me president of Gingrich Productions, so if the little worm tries to dump me, I’ll walk with all his assets.”