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Republican Voters in Iowa Declared Dangerously Stupid

Neighboring states close borders

Sometimes political polls can have alarming and immediate results.

After a recent poll of Iowa Republicans revealed that they found Newt Gingrich the most empathetic and most prepared to be President of the GOP candidates, governors of the states bordering Iowa agreed unanimously to close their borders to registered Iowa Republicans.

Kansas Governor Sam Brownback issued a terse statement defending the action: “I myself have often expressed idiotic ideas, but Iowans are giving right wing idiots a bad name. They pose a clear and present danger to themselves, to the nation, and to the good citizens of Kansas. We’re already running a dangerous IQ deficit in Kansas, and we can’t afford more stupid here. We’ve got to make sure they stay put in Iowa.”

Governor Pat Quinn of Illinois went on television this morning to make a personal appeal. “Look, in Illinois we know what dangerous idiots look like. We just got rid of Blagojevich and frankly, we’ve had it up to here with morons. If you’re a Republican from Iowa, keep the hell out.”

Pointing out that almost half of Gingrich’s supporters get all their information from Fox News, Governor Quinn expressed alarm. “Pardon my French, but for Christ’s sake! A study just confirmed that people who watch Fox News are worse informed than people who watch no news at all. An after dinner mint has more brains than someone who thinks Newt is empathetic!”

Nebraska quickly followed suit. Standing at the Nebraska-Iowa border surrounded by state troopers, Governor David Heineman said, “I’m a Republican, but I have to also think about the welfare of all Nebraska citizens. We can’t have Iowa Republicans coming into our state and marrying Nebraskans, and having a bunch of knuckle dragging kids who vote for nuts like Michele Bachmann. Our children are our future and we can’t afford to have dumb ones.”

In other campaign developments, Mitt Romney launched a new effort to take a bite out of the moron vote by securing an endorsement from former Vice President Dan Quayle. A Romney spokesman said, “Dan Quayle has been an outstanding moron for years and is a beacon for right wing Republican idiots. We hope this endorsement will show the idiots in Iowa that Mitt can be just as stupid as the other GOP candidates.”

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