Global Warming Scientists Sound Alarm Over Trump-Gingrich Meeting
Damage to the environment will be immediate and irreversible
New York Republican strategists and presidential candidates have heaped scorn on Donald Trump’s offer to host a debate, deriding it as yet another self-aggrandizing stunt by The Donald.
But the Center for Global Warming Analysis in Glasgow, Scotland issued a far more dire warning of Trump’s reappearance. “Ever since Newt Gingrich surged in the polls, we have seen a dramatic acceleration of toxic emissions attacking the ozone layer. These correlate directly with Gingrich’s more frequent speeches and announcements of idiotic programs, such as turning grade schoolers into janitors,” announced Dr. David McLuhan, Nobel laureate and eminent climatologist.
“But the prospect of having Trump and Gingrich share the same stage, for even a few hours, may produce such a potent cloud of noxious gases that the global environment may be pushed irrevocably past the tipping point.”
McLuhan illustrated his warning with satellite photos of New York City taken during the recent meeting between Gingrich and Trump. There was an unmistakable cloud of malodorous fumes emanating from the Trump Tower and spreading out to engulf Manhattan.
“Trump and Gingrich together produce such a quantity of miasmic emissions that, together, they make the recent volcanic eruption in Iceland look like church bean supper,” concluded McLuhan.
McLuhan’s colleagues around the world were caught flatfooted by the announcement but were convinced of its validity.
“This is a truly alarming development, but there have been warning signs all summer,” said Stanford climatologist Gideon Wilson. “We had noticed these anomalies whenever Trump, Gingrich and to a lesser extent, Herman Cain and Rick Perry appeared together. There were immediate climatic repercussions – prairie fires, tornadoes, flooding, and a pervasive bad smell – but we also saw the effects on human behavior. Our field researchers found that those in the immediate vicinity of the candidates’ gaseous emissions exhibited impaired higher brain functions and found it impossible to connect even three thoughts in a logical sequence. We can only speculate on the disastrous consequences that further speeches by Gingrich and Trump might have.”
On a more optimistic note, both Dr. McLuhan and Mr. Wilson noted that Mitt Romney’s appearances seemed to have little effect on the climate and no effect whatsoever on people attending his speeches. “Our satellite photos and field observations show that Mr. Romney mostly emits inert gas.”