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At Bank of America, we hear you!

At Bank of America, We Hear You!

At Bank of America we recently instituted a $5 a month debit card fee and our customers let us know how they felt! We listened and we decided not to charge the fee. We care about our customers – it’s that simple!

We thought long and hard about a more equitable system of usage fees that’s customized to fit with your lifestyle. Under this new plan, those customers who use more of our services will pay for what they use. This not only sounds fair – it is fair! And we think you’ll agree!

Here are the changes that will go into effect immediately:

ATM Usage Fee
We know you’re busy and here’s an improvement that matches your lifestyle.

Have you ever stood behind a mother who instructs her four-year-old daughter on how to use the touchscreen and takes five minutes to withdraw $20? Or what about those elderly customers who like to chat about their grandchildren or their recent surgical procedure with our tellers? How about the ones who “no habla ingles” and bring everything to a screeching halt?

We hate them too! Under the new system, after 20 seconds, these slowpokes will be charged $1 for each second it takes them to complete their transaction! At one minute, their transaction will be canceled, their card destroyed, and a guard will physically eject them from the premises – a small price to pay for improved service! We listened and we heard you!

Toner Usage Fee
We’re fighting to keep costs down and pass the saving along to you! We’ve determined that our most desirable customers have names no longer than 12 letters – like John Smith or Sally Jones. For every additional letter over this limit, there will be a $1 fee. For instance, a customer named Mohammed Whab Al Baraidi will be charged $9.00. Guadalupe Hildago would be charged only $4. If the name were DeShawn Roosevelt Jackson, the fee is $11. A small fee like this helps us give you – our favorite customers – the kind of excellent service you deserve!

Mortgage Relocation Program
Unemployed? Mortgage underwater? Facing homelessness? Don’t worry! Here at Bank of America we want every American to have a home and a job! If we’re about to repossess your home, stop by one of our branches and talk to our Job Relocation Specialists. Within three weeks, you will be living and working in our guest worker program in Zhejiang Province, China. Your family will be housed in an attractive dormitory, all meals included. All of you will be employed assembling Nike’s sensational new models, the LeBron 9 Limited iD and the Zoom Hyperdunk 2011! Your weekly pay will be subtracted from the cost of your airplane tickets and the balance of your mortgage. Before you know it, your indenture will be paid off and you’ll be boarding a plane for home.

Finally, we want to apologize for closing all our branches, disabling our ATMs, and taking down our web site on the recent so-called Transfer Day.
We assure you that this was simply a communications error and not intended to inconvenience anyone wanting to transfer his or her account to another bank. As a gesture of goodwill for those transferring their accounts, we reduced our transfer fees almost 30% – from $700 an account to only $500. We work hard for your business and hope you’ll reconsider your decision!

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