Cain Admits to Groping Mitt Romney and Rick Perry
Santorum and Bachmann Also Mount the Sexual Impropriety Bandwagon
Washington, DC In the rapidly developing story of a fourth woman coming forward to accuse Republican frontrunner and former pizza purveyor, Herman Cain stunned supporters when he admitted to groping both Mitt Romney and Rick Perry during a pre-debate encounter in the men’s room of a New Hampshire hotel.
“I had been celebrating the latest poll numbers,” said a chastened Cain at a hastily-called press conference. “Okay, I did Jell-O shots with some of my young female staff members, not one of whom have I harassed to date. It was just before the candidates were supposed to get onstage and I really had to go, so I ran into the men’s room where I encountered Mitt and Rick relieving themselves. As I went by them, I gave each of them a little pat on the behind because I’m a hands on kind of guy who likes to reach out to people. Both men let out yelps and accused me of letting my hand linger rather than just giving a friendly-guy kind of pat. I did it, I know it was wrong, and I apologize for any discomfort I may have given both men.”
His announcement touched off a frenzy of questions from news correspondents. “Did you in fact attempt to initiate sex with the fourth woman who accused you?”
“Let me just say this. If you’re a woman looking for a job and the guy you’re interviewing upgrades your hotel room to a presidential suite and takes you out to dinner at a swanky Italian restaurant, what the hell do you think is going on? You think he’s just being nice?”
Not wanting to be left by the side of the road, Rick Santorum, although not having been accused of sexually harassing anyone, called a press conference to announce that he had touched himself while mentally undressing Michele Bachmann at their most recent debate.
“When she’s not talking, she’s one of the sexiest woman alive. I admit that during the last debate I was sporting major wood for most of the broadcast. Thank God the lecterns weren’t transparent plexiglass. I apologize to my wife and my supporter for any pain I may have caused the two of them,” said a tearily contrite Santorum.
Perhaps the strangest confession of all came from Michelle Bachmann. While shopping for peanut brittle in an Iowa strip mall, she admitted that she had become addicted to Ben Wah balls as a substitute for sex with her husband Marcus. “I know it’s wrong,” she said with a glazed look coming over her face. “I mean I using right now. The new ones have internal motors and with this small remote, I can activate them whenever I want. I . . . uh . . .uh. . .mmmmmmmm. I just want to apologize to for any embarrassment I may have caused to the insane people who have supported me so loyally and to Marcus, but I’m not giving these things up. Never.”