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Chinese Reality Shows to Enforce New Reality

Beijing | 11/1/11  Alarmed that Chinese satellite TV stations are broadcasting wildly popular reality-type shows that are “degrading socialist values, overly entertaining, vulgar, and worshipping money, hedonism, and extreme individualism,” the Chinese government’s State Administration of Radio, Film and Television is putting down its iron boot to immediately revise such programs.

Chinese broadcasters must now produce shows that are “harmonious, healthy and mainstream programmes, such as culture and art appreciation, history, geography and astronomy, and those addressing public welfare.”

Fearing imprisonment and other sanctions, these producers have already announced radical changes to their popular shows.

The dating show If You Are The One* formerly featured single women selecting their ideal mates based on the kind of car they drive and their net worth. It has been changed to You Aren’t the One Because of Your Immoral Materialistic Bourgeois Tendencies in which the contestant will eliminate successful young men in favor of those who exemplify socialist values of hard work, respecting elders, and high standards of personal hygiene.

The show Angels Love Beauty* formerly had young Chinese women competing for plastic surgery. Replacing it is Choose the Chinese Woman Who Has the Most Disfiguring Mole on Her Face.

Another dating show called Pick One From a Hundred* will now be aired as Denouncing Your Parents for Their Crimes Against the Revolution. This show will feature children under the age of 12 who inform against their parents who will then be tried for their crimes against the state. Voting on their guilt or innocence will be done by viewers phoning in or voting online.

The American Idol-styled show Singing Girl* retains its talent show format, but the judging criteria have been totally revamped. The new show is called Which Chinese Woman Can Sing the Most Obscure Folk Song in the Whiniest, Most Nasal Voice?

Other shows that toe the new Socialist line and that are knockoffs of U.S. television staples have been scheduled for early 2012 release.

The Chinese version of The Price is Right will make its debut as The Price Is Mandated by the Central Committee and Black Marketers Will Be Punished By Death. Contestants will be turned loose in provincial markets with blackmarket DVDs of U.S. movies and try to elude capture by authorities. Those captured are summarily executed.

The wildly popular U.S. show Dancing With The Stars will be premiering as a show incorporating the reemphasis of humble Socialist virtues and is named Dancing with the Migrant Workers. Chinese movie stars and celebrities needing re-education will be sent to remote provinces to live and dance with migrants. Winners will be determined by the Central Committee. Losers will never be heard from again.

The long running show Wheel of Fortune has also undergone a Chinese facelift and will be broadcast as Wheel of Morality, Respecting One’s Elders, Socialist Sacrifice, and Housework. Each contestant’s spin of the wheel will assign various Socialist virtues, which they will have to attain during the following week. Winners will receive a year’s supply of sticky rice.

The popular talent show America’s Got Talent has been transformed to China’s 1.3 Billion People Must All Display Equally Praiseworthy Socialist Values. Contestants will be picked randomly throughout the populous country and must demonstrate that none of them is more talented than the other contestants.

Oddly enough, three shows already currently being broadcast will under go no changes at all. The Chinese versions of Survivor, Big Brother, and The Biggest Loser are all set in Chinese prisons or re-education camps and basically retain the same features as their U.S. counterparts.

Republican presidential candidates reacted quickly to the changes in Chinese programming.

First to respond was Rick Perry with praise for the show The Price Is Mandated. Appearing at a hog slaughter in Arkansas, Perry commented, “Any TV show that includes a public execution is just fine by me. I’ve been trying to do that in Texas for all nine years as governor. Once again Obama has failed us and let China lead the way!”

Sometime front-runner and sexual harasser Herman Cain was blunt in his criticism of the changes. “If you eliminate programs dealing with marital troubles and matchmaking, talent shows, game shows, variety shows, talk shows, and reality programming, you have effectively destroyed the broadcast industry not only in China but in the United States as well. I don’t really care what happens in Mongolastan, but I think it’s downright un-American.” Cain’s press secretary added that Cain would have a completely contradictory statement on the subject within 4 hours.

Echoing some critical Chinese viewers, Mitt Romney opined, “The previous Chinese programs put the value squarely on money worshipping and rich people. Those are the values I’ve fought for throughout my career. We need to remember that oligarchs are people too.”

Putting an entirely different spin on the subject was President Obama. Speaking at $25,000 a plate dinner in Hollywood, he announced, “Who says America’s best days are behind us and that China is overtaking us? Not me! The entertainment industry in the United States now stands alone in the world in promoting money worship, hedonism, extreme individualism, unprincipled acts, and harming others for profit. We see no limits to the levels that program producers will sink to as they try to attract new audiences and good ratings.”

*actual Chinese shows

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