Republican Candidates Race to Make the Most Pledges
Washington, DC | Having taken the lead in making pledges, Michelle Bachmann is moving forward to cement her place as the number one GOP pledger. “I’ve already signed the No-Tax Pledge, the Build-Not-One-But-Two-Fences-To-Keep-THEM-Out Pledge, the GOP Pledge to America, the Anti-Abortion Pledge, the Outlaw Pornography Pledge, the No-Sharia-Law-in-Iowa Pledge, the No Polygamy Pledge, and the Keep-the-Homos-in-New-York-and-San-Francisco Pledge. But these pledges are just the start.”
Speaking from the comfort of her campaign bus, Bachmann announced today that she was taking The-Big-Sexy-Hair Pledge, the hair spray she used in the Las Vegas debate, and promised to use only this line of hair care products, all of which are made the U.S. A Bachmann spokesperson said, “Michelle’s hair has really taken middle American women by storm. She has definitely knocked the Jennifer Anniston look out of first place. Women are packing hair salons across the country asking for that deep auburn glow and that rich full, but still godly, look. As for the Perry campaign’s slur about hair extensions, I won’t dignify that with a response.”
When asked for a comment, Rick Perry fired back that Big Sexy Hair makes Bachmann’s hair look like a big red helmet. “I’ve pledged to use only Pantene Pro V products. Look, my hair is kinda like me – tougher’n’hell. Pantene’s Anti-Breakage Complex helps reinforce every strand to stand up to split ends and left wing attacks. The moisture-rich formula protects my thick, damage-prone hair from breakage and strengthens my strong Texas roots. And, unlike Mitt Romney, I’ve always parted my hair on the right!”
Having taken criticism from both the left and the right for his too perfect hair, Mitt Romney’s campaign issued this terse statement: “Contrary to what my opponents say, flexibility in politics is an asset. That why I’ve taken the pledge to use only Clairol’s Natural Instincts for Men. It fights gray and it’s formulated with vitamin E and aloe to restore my natural color, whatever that was. This week my hair is Golden Cappuccino Brown with just a touch of Gravitas Grey at the temples, which makes it the closest to Ronald Reagan’s hair. Best of all, it’s a non-permanent color and washes out in 28 days, so I can change my hair color to match whatever my current political positions are that week.”
Newt Gingrich evaded a direct response to the hair care pledges of the other candidates saying, “I will put my wife Callista’s flawlessly coiffed blond hair up against the hair of any Republican in the field.”
Staying on message with his 9-9-9 pledge, Herman Cain stated, “What little hair I have I entrust to Sebastian Potion 9 products, of course!”
The Santorum and Paul campaigns have taken no stand on hair care, but it’s rumored that due to a lack of funds, staffers have been instructed to grab all of the free shampoos and conditioners in their hotel rooms and pass them along to their candidate.