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Fun-Loving S&M Cult Held Blameless by Pope Benedict XVI


Vatican spokesman says ‘Mind your own beeswax’

10/31/2011 |  Rome    A year after disturbing revelations about sexual abuse, illegitimate children, and  cult-like domination by the late founder of the Legion of Christ, the Pope has done virtually nothing about the scandal.

Cardinal Velasio “Man Juice” Pazzo speaking from behind counter of the troubled sect’s busy retail sex shop “I Cazzo d’Oro,” – golden penis in English – on the bustling Via Babuino said, “I don’t see what good would be served”* by any further inquiry. As he assisted a priest in the purchase of The Anal Intruder Cock Ring, which promised to “not only keep your cock nice and stiff but also keeps your ass stuffed,” and back issues of Choir Boys Gone Wild Magazine, he bristled. “We would run the risk of finding ourselves in an intrigue with no end. . . these are things that are too private for me to go investigating.”* Giving a shrug worthy of Tony Soprano, he sighed, “Whaddya gonna do? Hey, as long as you’re here, you want to have a look at this new line of nipple pumps I just got in?”

Despite Pazzo’s insouciant attitude towards the scandal, accusations continue to surface. The sect’s founder, Rev. Marciel “Love Pump” Maciel was a drug addict who sexually abused his seminarians, insisted on total submission and secrecy, and dictated even the most intimate details of his sect members’ lives (Example: “Always use silicone penis gags rather than latex”). But he also brought in new recruits and large amounts of money. Perhaps more important, even after he was accused of being a pedophile, his close friend, whom he affectionately called “Il Culattone” or ass bandit in English, was the current Pope.

Lounging in a café across from the Cazzo d’Oro, sect member Father Guido “The Screamer” Coglione sipped his mid-morning expresso with a shot of brandy. He agrees with “Man Juice’s” dismissive attitude. “These men of little balls – they are cacasentenze (moralizing smart asses who shit holier-than-thou sentences), you know? Love Pump had a few faults – who doesn’t? Like it says in the Bible: let he who is without sin cast the first ball gag.” Flicking the tips of his fingers away from his chin, The Screamer uttered his final judgment on the scandal. “Show me a priest who doesn’t have a little fun on the side and I’ll show you a man who is – how do you say in English – badly backed up.”

Unable to reach the Holy Father for comment on this article, we were referred to PezzoGrosso, the same Italian public relations agency that handles all of embattled Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi’s damage control. “It’s difficult for people of other cultures to understand that here in Italy, a little bunga bunga – naughtiness among consenting adults – is looked at as natural and even healthy, avoiding – how do you say in English – getting badly backed up,” said Paolo Vaffanculo, senior vice president.

When confronted that bunga bunga referred to competitive stripteases by barely above-the-age-of-consent women in nurse outfits and police uniforms followed by an orgy in a large swimming pool, Vaffanculo mused, “You left out the part where the men enter dressed as African savages and dance the Electric Glide while disrobing. Otherwise you just about have it right. Any other questions?”

Although Pope “Il Culattone” Benedict XVI’s legacy may well rest on how he handles the twisted perversions rife in the Legion of Christ, so far the only rumored change is said to be one inspired by cancer-purveyor Philip Morris’s name change to Altria. Speaking on background, one of the current members of the Legion, known only as Man Candy, said the new name would be, “Impertinente Schiavi D’amore de Christi,” which translates as “Naughty Love Slaves of Christ.”

*actual quotes

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